If Perry Mason, Matlock, Jack McCoy, and Ally McBeal had a baby, that child would still look like a legal moron compared to Rudi Giuliani.

Donald J. Trump’s personal attorney visited The Lint Screen offices and laid out his bulletproof defense strategy against “the looney libs hellbent on destroying America with their unfounded witch hunt against our greatest patriot” by bringing impeachment charges against the president.

“President Trump is one-hundred percent innocent,” Rudy said. “He told me so himself. He did nothing wrong. The president was trying to curb corruption in Ukraine–– he hates corruption, anything outside the laws of decency. And Joe Biden and his son were doing awful things in Ukraine. Many people say they were ripping pacemakers out of chests, stealing lunch money from blind orphans, punching old ladies in the gut and stepping on their bifocals–– horrible acts. So, what’s our president supposed to do? Give them a pass? Let them ruin innocent lives? No! He stands for playing fair. Donald Trump is a good citizen. An upright guy. Where’s the crime in that?”

Giuliani was asked about Trump’s conversation with Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovych, in which he spoke of all the U.S. had done for his country, and how he’d like to continue helping, but first, he wanted him to do “a favor.”

“That favor could have meant anything. The Democrats are saying the favor was getting dirt on Biden. I don’t buy it. Maybe the president wanted a good recipe for chicken tortilla soup, or help doing taxes, maybe even some movie recommendations. We don’t know. The favor could have been anything. Where’s the crime in that?”

Rudy relaxes.

“Look, we’re not worried about this impeachment witch hunt because it’s all a pile of B.S. The president is the greatest one we’ve ever had. Look at the economy. His big beautiful wall. His tax cut that put millions of dollars in Bobby blue collar’s pocket and Larry the laborer’s lunchpail. America has never been in better shape. The facts can’t be disputed. Maybe the only thing he is guilty of is caring too much about his people, and we should be thankful for that!”

Rudy shakes his head, mops his brow with a hankie, wrings it out into a bucket.

“And let’s face it, hypothetically speaking, reality doesn’t exist. He can’t be guilty. President Trump’s outside this dimension.”

He rests his case.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is fed up with his compatriots on the other side of the aisle.

“The Democrats are unpatriotic,” the ex-model of gold bling necklaces told The Lint Screen. “No matter what the president does, they think it’s against the law.”

The latest kerfluffle concerns a whistleblower in the intelligence community who blew a gasket because he said he heard something bad.

“Apparently this joker heard the president talking to the Ukraine president,” McConnell said. “And President Trump urged him eight times to look into the shenanigans of Joe Biden and his no-goodnik son. Where’s the crime in that? Our president is a crime fighter. He always says that no one is above the law.”

McConnell catches his breath; one can tell he is agitated–– as angry as a drunk mouse in a house of mirrors.

Many people suspect that Trump was leveraging selling U.S. weapons to Ukraine in return for investigating Biden which is a “no-no” in legal terms.

“I’ve heard Democrats are claiming President Trump is using a foreign country to investigate a political rival,” McConnell said. “That’s poppycock. How could Biden be a rival? Melania loves the president; she would never leave him.”

McConnell is disgusted by the Democrats.

“All they do is whine and bellyache. They should be doing something about increasing the minimum wage, or gun control or improving healthcare. But they only want to moan and groan. It’s disgusting.”

McConnell believes in loving foreign adversaries. He has snuggled up to a Russian oligarch (a pal of Pootie) and received a commitment for a $200 million aluminum plant in his home state of Kentucky. Not only that, his wife, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao has financial connections with China that seem to benefit her family’s shipping company.

“It’s all above board,” the Speaker said. “We take foreign interference seriously. I’ve led the GOP in passing strong measures to protect our election system from meddling. We recently approved $250 million in funds for election security. We immediately hired the prestigious Kentucky firm of Chip McConnell Election Security Company to make sure we’re ship-shape for next year’s elections.”

McConnell smiles proudly. “Although to be frank, there was absolutely no election hanky-panky in 2016, except for the Democrats cheating Trump out of 21 million votes. Those people can’t ever play fair.”

Most days in Washington, D.C. are as calm as a beautiful pond on a windless summer day. But today, an unfortunate incident threw the normally serene surroundings and refined dignity of the White House West Wing into a tizzy.

“It was awful,” Mick Mulvaney the White House Chief of Staff told The Lint Screen. “I was working at my desk when I heard a blood-curdling scream come from the presidential residence. It was almost 11, still early, and something had obviously put a bee in the big guy’s bonnet.”

Mulvaney shakes his head as he recounts the horror of that moment.

“I ran up the stairs lickety-split and rushed to the president’s quarters. Secret Service agents were already there with weapons drawn. When I charged into the living area, President Trump was in his Trump International Hotel bathrobe sitting on the floor sobbing. What’s the problem? I asked Kent, the head of the Secret Service detail. He looked me square in the eyes and said, ‘The worst thing imaginable. The batteries went dead in the president’s remote’.”

Mulvaney said, fortunately, White House security had prepared for this tragic day.

“Two special government power replacement agents were immediately dispatched to secure fresh batteries. The president was enraged while he waited. ‘It’s Iran who did this,’ he shouted. ‘I know it’s those damn bastards. First, they blow up Saudi oil refineries, now they’re trying to destroy America. Bring me the football. ! It’s time for them to get a taste of hell.’”

Mulvaney said President Trump was prepared to launch a nuclear missile attack on Iran in retaliation for their “ruthless battery strike” against the U.S.A.

“Fortunately, before the nuclear football was engaged, the power specialists returned with new Duracells and the TV remote batteries were changed. Ivanka came into the room and mopped her father’s forehead with a cool washcloth. ‘It’ll be fine, Papa,’ she said in a soothing, sexy voice as she stroked his hair. ‘It’s all good now, Papa. All good.’ The president thanked her and took the remote and began channel surfing. While he watched TV, everyone backed out of the residence slowly. The president needs his executive time. It’s how he’s able to be such a great president.”

Mulvaney smiled. “Crisis was averted.” His eyes darted about the room. “I wonder if the Iranians were behind this. Or, maybe the Democrats. Mike Pompeo needs to look into this.”

The beautiful thing about our democratic system of government is checks and balances. The executive, legislative, and judicial branches check and balance each other for a balanced stew of delicious democracy.

Um, um, stew!

But many in the Democratic Party think President Trump and the GOP are abusing their power.

“President Trump and Mitch McConnell are not playing very fair,” Nancy Pelosi told The Lint Screen. “When President Obama wanted to nominate Merrick Garland for the Supreme Court, Mitch wouldn’t let him. That was a darn shame.”

“And President Trump,” Chuck Schumer continued, “why goodness gracious, he is a ball of wax like no other. Some of the things he does are kind of, I don’t know, shady. Like having himself and other people in the government stay at Trump properties. And allowing foreign government folks and lobbyists to stay at his properties. And for Pete’s sake, he plays a lot of golf at the taxpayers’ expense on golf courses he owns. For crying out loud, hasn’t he ever heard of the emoluments clause? Doggone it, a president is not supposed to be able to profit from his businesses while he’s serving his term.”

Nancy Pelosi snapped her fingers. “Yes, and he also paid hush money from campaign funds to a woman he had extramarital relations with. I think there’s a law against that. He also used foreign agents to help him win the election. That’s not very sporting.”

“And sometimes I’m not sure Trump tells the whole truth,” Schumer interrupted. “Also, he’s just not terribly nice sometimes. I mean, come on, separating immigrant children from their parents and putting them in cages–– that doesn’t strike me as being hospitable. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.”

Both Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer wish someone would do something about the perceived abuses of power the president and the GOP are executing.

“We’re all watching these abuses of power, many of them illegal, I think,” Pelosi said. “And frankly, we’re fixing to get pretty upset about them. My emotions are running high. I think our forefathers would want there to be a check and balance on the executive branch.”

“I saw the play Hamilton,” Schumer said. “Those forefathers were something else. A magnificent show, Hamilton. Some real toe-tappers in that one!”

“I need to see that show,” Nancy said. The two Dem leaders high-fived.

Bolton’s out, Busey’s in!

Washington’s abuzz with excitement as President Donald Trump shook up his cabinet like a Parchesi dice cup.

“Daddy always liked Mr. Busey,” Ivanka Trump, the first daughter told The Lint Screen. “He attracted some great ratings when he was on The Apprentice, he was even an Apprentice All-Star and lasted nine whole weeks! Daddy is confident he’ll be an all-star for his cabinet.”

To make room for Busey, John Bolton “was fired like a dog” according to President Trump.

“The guy’s a bum,” he said. “Worst human ever. A disaster. Total trash fire. He has that stupid bushy mustache. Horrible lip hair. I always hated him.”

When asked why he hired Bolton if he didn’t like him, Trump said he “absolutely did not draw on the map” showing Dorian projected to hit Alabama. “I don’t even own a Sharpie.” He continued his denial.

“The weather people, who are all liberals, by the way, appointed by Obama, they changed the hurricane’s path after I Tweeted about it. They did that to embarrass me. Very unfair. But I’ll take care of these radicals–– they call themselves ‘the weathermen.’ Look it up–– they’re a terrorist organization. But I’ll get my revenge against them. I have nukes, they don’t, ” Trump smiled and gave his legendary thumbs-up sign.

“Mr. Busey’s going to do a great job, isn’t he Daddy?” cooed as she crawled on to her father’s lap and cuddled like a kitten.

“That’s right, honey,” Amerca’s CEO said stroking her golden locks. “Gary Busey’s the best. I only hire the best. Busey’s a tremendous guy. Incredible talent. He’ll know how to keep our country safe and secure. He told me he’s been in many, many bar fights–– and he always wins. I like winners.“

We all like winners, Mister President! Keep on winning for us.

President Trump guards his vulnerable citizens within his borders like a mother cat protecting her helpless kittens. He is building his magnificent, beautiful wall for their safety.

Now, this protective father figure must also protect his brood from Mother Nature.

Trump predicted Hurricane Dorian would hit Alabama, and the fake news media doubted him. But the president would not be bullied by their hateful lies.

So he showed an accurate map of the hurricane’s destructive path headed toward ‘Bama. The enemies of the people still doubted his word.

The president will be shutting their lying mouths with a stroke of the pen.

The leader of the free world has ordered Congress to pay Alabama $100 million in hurricane relief.

“The state was walloped by Dorian,” chief of staff Mick Mulaney told The Lint Screen, “and the president wants to help Alabama get back on its feet. This money will help.”

Trump Consulting Group, an organization experienced in helping communities rebuild following hurricanes, was given the $100 million and will get the state whole again.

“The president is determined to get help Alabama,” Mulvaney said. “It’s football season after all,” he said with a wink and a smile. “He will protect the state from nature, and evil Democrats determined to destroy our way of life. The boss man is also considering extending his big, beautiful wall to protect our waterfront borders. He is an amazing leader. I am so honored to work for him.”