Donald Trump is not known for his ego. Most would describe the president as shy, mild-mannered, or, intellectual.

But this understated egghead has had enough of people questioning him.

Trump recently announced an executive order that will charge anyone who disagrees or questions him “to be an enemy of the state and therefore treasonous.”

The penalty for treason is death!

“The president is tired of being mister nice guy,” Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s personal attorney told The Lint Screen. “He is the chosen one, the one God put here on earth to solve the world’s problems. So naturally, anyone who questions him questions God–– and should be cast to hellfire! What else can we do? Are we supposed to argue with our maker? Members of the fake media had better fall in line toot sweet.”

Giuliani, a shy and retiring man himself, believes doubters must be eliminated.

“Look, life is easy when you agree with all-knowing powers,” Rudy said. “Why would anyone ever doubt Donald J. Trump? The man has spent his entire career as a pillar of society. He has a moral compass second to none. Ethics are his middle name.”

Mr. Giuliani continued his chore of licking the president’s wingtips and was heard muttering, “You’re the best boss. The absolute best.”

The president smiled. Perhaps he would save the bald ex-mayor’s life.

Perhaps.

The looney liberals have been returned to their asylum. Yesterday, they got schooled by President Donald J. Trump and put in their place.

White House legal sharpshooters sent an 8-page letter to the torch and pitchfork crowd in Congress and said, “Here’s our response to your stupid impeachment inquiry–– suck it. We ain’t playing.”

Speaker Nancy Pelosi and “shifty” Adam Schiff were blindsided by this brilliant move.

“I feel so foolish,” Pelosi told The Lint Screen. “The president has shut us down. We’re going to kill our investigation immediately.”

Sen. Adam Schiff was crying like a baby who lost his binky. “I knew President Trump is a great man and great leader,” Schiff said. “But I had no idea he was also a brilliant legal expert. We are losers.”

President Trump talked about his latest polling data.

“99.98% of Americans approve of the tremendous job I’m doing,” the president crowed. “They want me to clean up Biden corruption. And 100% of them want me to be president for life. World leaders are praising me as being the greatest president ever. I think we have a very strong position.”

The socialist Democrat party has been harassing Trump since he occupied the White House in January of 2016 following his stunning landslide victory. Their Mueller witch hunt found nothing–– “no conspiracy, no collusion” according to Atty. General William Barr.

But the Dems wouldn’t sit down and shut up. Their latest gambit was starting an impeachment inquiry over the president’s “perfect call” with the leader of Ukraine in July.

Fools!

The Constitution of the United States clearly states that if a president has a perfect call with a foreign country to investigate a political rival, it is legal.

Once again, Trump wins!

Donald J. Trump had a “perfect phone call” with Turkish President Erdogan on Sunday. Then, he made “an excellent decision”–– the U.S. would leave its allies the Kurds to go it alone in Syria.

“The Kurds are good people,” Trump said. “They helped us a lot in fighting ISIS. Something like 10,000 Kurds died. And we won–– I defeated ISIS. That was my idea. But now I’m bored with all the wars. And the Turkish president said we don’t need to be there, so, I’m pulling out. And that’s something I rarely do,” the president raised his eyebrows and punched this reporter’s arm.

“I almost never pull out–– get it?” he asked. “Like with a woman. Pulling out.” The president smiled at his clever naughtiness and continued.

“Some people are upset with my decision. They say I’m turning my back on our allies. That’s bullshit. Those people are very stupid and wrong. The Kurds can stand up for themselves. They’re adults. They’ll do fine on their own.”

With U.S. Troops leaving Syria, the Kurds left guarding ISIS prisoners now face their historical rivals, The Turks, as they invade the country. Foreign policy experts believe the Turkish army will slaughter the Kurds and release the ISIS prisoners re-igniting terrorist turmoils in the Mideast and worldwide.

“A lot of these fears are just speculation,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I don’t believe any of that bad stuff will happen. I think ISIS knows it lost fair and square and they will go back to their homeland, ISIS-Land–– which is up by Iceland and Greenland. By the way, Greenland, if you’re listening, I have such a deal to buy you. Call me. Let’s talk.”

The president seems very pleased with himself.

“After I made my decision to leave Syria, I heard from powerful, strong leaders in Turkey, Russia, and Iran telling me that I am a very great president. The best president ever. And they think I will be easily re-elected in 2020. They all promised to look into the Biden corruption problem. These leaders also said the impeachment is the biggest witch hunt ever. Everyone says so.”

Trump gazed lovingly into a mirror.

“You are the chosen one, Donald. You have great and unmatched wisdom.”

He began drooling.

Donald J. Trump has always been a crackerjack businessman, and he runs the United States of America with the same efficient and determined drive for excellence.

Today the president declared war against the horrendous criminal behavior of Joe Biden and his crime family by dispatching U.S. troops to all 194 countries in the world (save the U.S.A.).

“This is a national emergency,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “It’s like a million caravans. Very bad. Joe Biden and his criminal family are the biggest threat to the world ever. Even bigger than Godzilla with a nuclear bomb riding a meteor headed to Earth.”

Our magnificent leader is tired of pussyfooting around.

“Biden and his son Hunter have scammed our country out of trillions of dollars,” he said. “They are dirty, corrupt, disgusting people. It’s my job to protect Americans, and I’m going to do that. I have dispatched my armies, navy, air force, and space force to go discover all the incredible dirt on the Bidens. We’re going to go into the four corners of the world and flush out the wrongdoing, the incredible awful acts of the Bidens.”

Trump flexed his muscle in his handsome blue suit and felt it.

“I am a very strong man,” he said. “And I will get to the truth. Believe me. I am a stable genius. And very strong. I am also going to build a big, beautiful wall around the White House to protect me against impeachment from crazy Democrat socialists. And my wall will have a moat with snakes, alligators, and Godzilla with a nuclear bomb.”

President Donald J. Trump melts down with blinding rage when asked about the impeachment investigation of him recently launched by Congressional Democrats.

“It’s very unfair,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “Adam Schiff, ‘Shifty Shiff’ I call him, should recuse himself because he’s a suspected murderer, pedophile, kidnapper, and bank robber. A very bad man. It’s disgraceful the things he’s done. Maybe the worst human ever. Everyone says so.”

The president now denies the accusation he discussed investigating presidential candidate Joe Biden and his son Hunter with Ukraine President Zelenskyy.

“Shifty Schiff and his crazy crew have it all wrong,” Trump said. “I am a very stable genius, and here’s exactly what happened. I asked Zelensky to protect Joe Biden. He wanted to go after them. Ukraine was hostile. But I didn’t want him to investigate him or his son. Why would I do that?” The frustrated kingpin shakes his head in disgust.

“Even if Biden and his son did do something bad–– which they probably did–– I think the American people should forgive them. Forgive and forget, I always say. That’s the Christian thing to do. I was just being a good Christian. I love the Christian god–– you know, that guy who has long hair like a hippie. The one they nailed to the cross. He was a very good guy. Great guy.”

The president is especially irate about the anonymous whistleblower.

“Who is he? Why’s he luring in the shadows? I want to know? I am the president, I won in the biggest landslide ever, and I need to know who the traitors are. And this whistleblower, ‘Blowy Blow-Blow’ I call him, he made up this outrageous lie to make me look bad. Why would I want to make poor Joe Biden and his son look bad? I like Joe. I do. Don’t forget, I’m the guy who fired James Comey because he wasn’t treating Hillary Clinton very nicely. I won’t stand for bad behavior. The whistleblower and Shifty Schiff need to be tried for treason. Everyone says so.”

The president is red-faced and looks exhausted.

“I swear, I am the most misunderstood man in the world,” he said. “All I want to do is love and serve others. Is that so wrong?”

The president excused himself “to go pray to that Christian hippie god. ‘Crossy cross man’ I call him.”

Batman and Robin, Abbott and Costello, Lime JELL-O and mini-marshmallows–– those famous pairs have got nothing on Trump and Giuliani.

Today the besieged men called The Lint Screen to discuss the allegations last week of an anonymous whistleblower accusing the men of working with a foreign government to influence an American election.

DT: The crazy socialists have started another witch hunt. The greatest witch hunt in history. They got crushed in their phony Mueller witch hunt–– Trump was found to be completely innocent, everyone says so. Everyone says I’m the greatest president ever. And now the looney libs are trying another witch hunt. It’s a disgrace.

RG: It’s ridiculous. They’re taking the word of some insane whistleblower–

DT: Call him what he is, Rudy–– a spy. A treasonous spy trying to ruin democracy. I’m trying to save America and this coward is trying to ruin it. He should be put in an electric chair and put in front of a firing squad.

RG: Who is this person? And why does he have to hide in the shadows? Is he ashamed of something? Be a man, identify yourself! We won’t hurt you.

DT: A lot of people are saying the whistleblower is the bastard child of Adolf Hitler and Angela Merkel. Hitler didn’t die until 1994, you know. Lived in Munich above a bakery. A very bad guy. Did some horrible things. As did Merkel. She’s nasty. So naturally, their kid is a bad seed.

RG: Wow, Hitler’s kid is the whistleblower! Unbelievable. And everything he claims in the report is all second and third-hand information. It’s worthless.

DT: It’s called “hear-say” evidence, a lot of people don’t know that term. Hear-say. It’s very, very weak evidence. I’ve watched a lot of Law and Order.

RG: And why is no one investigating Biden and his son? They stole billions from Ukraine and spent it on heroin. Then they shot up homeless kids and lonely widows so they’d overdose. They also killed puppies and kittens. Threw them against brick walls.

DT: That’s bad. Not nice.

RG: But no one’s looking into the Bidens. And what about Hillary’s server? It’s supposed to have a deadly virus on it and pirated copies of Microsoft Office. And what about the Steele report? Who’s researching that? And Benghazi?

DT: It’s the fake news, Rudy. They’re all protecting them. They’re the enemy of the people, fake news. They never even report on how every Democrat candidate is a bloodthirsty cannibal.

RG: Really? They’re cannibals?

DT: A lot of people are saying that. Hannity. Tucker Carlson. Fox and Friends. The only reason the evil Democrats want the White House back is to put Americans on the menu. That’s what they mean when they say they want to serve their country. They want to eat us.

RG: That’s awful. Disgusting.

DT: I like hamburgers. KFC. Papa John’s. Normal people food.

RG: Not humans.

DT: No. I would never eat my people. I protect them with my big, beautiful wall. We’ve built over 10,000 miles of it, 60-feet tall. Mountain climbers gave up. It can’t be climbed. Caravans can’t drive over it.

RG: The president is one-hundred percent innocent.

DT: I am, Rudy. I really am innocent.

RG: See? He’s the president. You have to believe him. It’s in the Constitution.

DT: No obstruction. No collusion. No cannibalism.