“I feel sorry for your president,” Putin said as he skinned a kitten with a buck knife. “The fake news treats him very badly. Why does Trump allow free press? He should eliminate journalists. It simplifies life.”
“Your system of government is stupid,” he said. “Why two parties? One party is stronger. And why does Trump allow dissenters? He should imprison people who stand against him. Torture them. Kill if necessary. They must pay a price for disobedience.”
The Russian leader is also not a fan of Ukraine.
“It is a very bad country,” he said. “We will beat them in war and take over. We will improve Ukraine. We also will improve Middle East. I do not want anyone getting hands dirty on oil. Russia will clean up oil in Middle East. We like to help.”
Putin reports he talks to Trump frequently.
“I call to cheer him up,” he said, as he starts whittling an adorable puppy. “I tell him he is doing excellent job. Makes me proud. Sometimes, I conference call with patriots Sean Hannity or Mitch McConnell. They are good men. I like them.”
Putin flashes his devil-may-care smile.
“Donald Trump is a great leader. He is making your country great again. Your people should worship him. Why don’t they? It is horrible how bad he is treated. If my people did not worship me, I would eliminate them. I solve problems, Trump should do same. He would be happier.”
Putin saw the reporter suppress a yawn and ended the interview. The scribe has been missing since.
If you see a reporter wearing a fedora with a PRESS card in the brim, please call our offices. He has some deadlines to meet.
“The Evil One” conjures her black magic to attack a true patriot–– Donald Trump!
Leave it to the “do-nothing Democrats!”
The Republicans have been working hard to solve high drug prices, healthcare costs, crumbling infrastructure, skyrocketing national debt, guns, and opioids while the liberals are working hard to rid America of its greatest president!
Their beef seems to be with the president’s perfect call held with the leader of Ukraine. The Dems are having a hissy fit because the prez withheld Congressionally-approve funds for Ukraine in their war against Russia until Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky promised to investigate the very illegal shenanigans of Joe and Hunter Biden.
A lot of people are saying the Bidens are bad hombres.
Democrats think there is something wrong with a president engaging a foreign country in interfering with American politics by finding dirt on his rival. How incredibly naive!
Imagine if Obama had done the same thing–– Republicans wouldn’t care a whit. Why make a mountain out of a molehill?!
The Dems are so stupid they don’t realize Trump is playing Putin like a fiddle. He assisted the Russian leader by delaying Ukraine funds for weapons in their war against Russia. NowPutin will be forever in debt to America, thanks to the brilliance of Trump! Then, the stable genius president tricked the Russian leader into gaining a strong foothold in Syria.
Mueller wrote a 458-page report praising President Trump. People who have read it say Mueller declared there was absolutely no conspiracy or collusion and that Trump ran an immaculate campaign and is the most exceptional world leader in history.
But the libs weren’t happy to leave well enough alone. NO! So they’ve begun their greatest witch hunt ever against a patriot who only has perfect calls.
Obviously, the Dems want to open our borders to murders and rapists, feed our populace fistfuls of overpriced opioids, and smoke “jazz cigarettes” while beating their bongoes and snapping their frail fingers.
The Lint Screen calls the behavior of the liberals disgraceful! Get a real job, you bums!!!
Brave citizens storm the SCIF to save our president and democracy!
The Lint Screen has secured the private journal of Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan who led a band of fearless patriots in yesterday’s storming of a SCIF (sensitive compartmented information facility) in the Capitol.
Weds., 10/23/19
A sleepless night. Met yesterday with Fearless Leader in The White House. The Chief was upset and angry. Said no one was fighting for him. Said lawless democrats are trying to lynch him. Very unfair. Wants action, a show of support from his troops.
I told him I would lead the cause with a band of bloodthirsty patriots. We would storm the SCIF where rebel Adam Schiff and his treasonous tribe were having secret meetings–– torturing witnesses to get false statements against Our President. I told the Skipper not to worry–– we had his back. And we would WIN!
My impassioned speech cheered his spirits. He smiled. I left.
Last night I tossed and turned. Was I up for this dangerous mission? In the middle of the night, I called my troops. “Bring your smartphones, fully charged, cameras at the ready–– we’re going in at 0955 hours.” I steeled my resolve and told them the truth: “Some of you might not make it out alive. Be sure your affairs are in order.”
It’s hard to be a leader, knowing you’re sending troops into harm’s way, but I believe 100% honesty is the only way to earn their respect.Candy coating bad news leads to decay.
Early this morning I tried choking down a bowl of oatmeal. I couldn’t. My heart was in my throat, beating like Buddy Rich on goofballs. Am I up for this war?
Arriving at the Capitol, my troops assemble. I review them. I straighten ties, “Full Windsors, men!”, brush lint off suit jackets, and demand they groom their hair to perfection. “The fake news media will be there,” I said. “I want everyone looking their best.”
I inspect their weapons. One soldier (Steve Scalise)did not have his cellphone battery at 100% charge. “For God’s sake, man,” I barked, “get that weapon fully loaded. I’m not sending anyone into battle without a full metal jacket. It’d be a suicide mission!”
He scattered to an electrical outlet. What was he thinking coming to battle unprepared? I can’t have his blood on my hands!
0955 hours. We begin our attack–– descending the stairs of the Capitol building. Into the bowels of secrecy. Satan Schiff’s lair.
“Be careful, men!” I shout. “I don’t want anyone slipping and breaking their neck.” I realize I have a couple of women in my army. Why do women have to always try and do men’s work? Can’t they be happy having babies, cooking for their men, and keeping house?
“You girls mind your steps, too,” I say. “I don’t want you falling off your high heels and causing us to fall like dominoes down the steps!”
I’m tired of always being politically correct. But, that’s today’s army.
We make it down the stairs. No casualties. Thank God! We assemble on the ground floor.
“Be brave, everyone,” I tell my troops. “Steel your resolve. Remember what we are fighting for–– the survival of Donald J. Trump, America’s greatest leader ever. Know that each of you is a true patriot. Should you fall in battle, you will always be remembered as that. Now, I’ll give you a few moments to say a prayer, and then it’s go-time. May God have mercy on us and grant us victory in our just cause.”
We all bowed our heads knowing our words were going straight through the Pearly Gates and into God’s ears. We were doing His work for we were fighting for The Chosen One He sent us to save the world!
My hands were shaking. I took a deep breath and gave myself a silent pep talk.
“All right, troops!” I shouted. “Weapons at the ready. Charge!”
The troops raised their smartphones, cameras ready for battle. We marched forward. At the doors of the SCIF, we encountered security forces.
“Let us in! Let us in! Let us in!” we chanted as we stormed the fort. The fighting was intense, I feared some troops might lose their voices.
Finally, after intense shouting and shoving, we penetrated the perimeter. VICTORY! We began attacking, filming the secret democrat meeting. The battle raged on. I noticed Mark Meadows, Louie Gohmert, Matt Gaetz, and others fighting bravely. With honor, valor, commitment. My heart swelled with pride. I had trained them well.
After hours of fierce fighting the evil democrat forces, we began losing our strength. We were peckish. Hungry. Ravished.
I lept into action! Using my smartphone as a phone (yes, it CAN be done!), I ordered pizza for the troops.
“Listen up, you minimum wage serf,” I barked into my phone at the kid taking my order. “Step on it, you snot-nosed punk! We need those pizzas yesterday! Our brave patriots are fighting for your freedom!!!”
The pizzas were delivered. Our troops attacked the pies with the same vigor and intensity they had shown in battle. Nourished, we went back to war.An army travels on its belly and a bellyful of pepperoni, sausage and onion pizza is hard to beat.
After almost a five-hour siege, I called a retreat. We would go to the microphones and address the nation.
Fearless Leader saw us on TV. He called me and complimented us for fighting on his behalf.He said he appreciated my bravery and leadership.
“Thank you, sir,” I said, my eyes filling with tears of pride and joy. “We will do anything to support and defend your honor. Your word is gospel, and your moral compass set to true north. We will always defend you and preach your glories.”
He hung up. I collapsed, exhausted. My day done. I wonder what hellfire the democrats might deliver us tomorrow.
South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham worships President Donald J. Trump, and he blames the devil himself for the impeachment inquiry underway.
“I’ve had it with Satan,” Graham told The Lint Screen. “God put Donald Trump here to save America and save humanity. But the dark forces of hell have put Democrats in Washington, and let me tell you, these sumbitches are hellbent on destroying America by destroying the president’s good name.“
Sen. Graham has been a longtime advocate and golfing buddy of the president.
“I know it might have sounded like I was critical of the president’s decision last week to betray the Kurds and give Syria to Assad, Putin, and Iran, but that was really the fake news media putting words in my mouth. I loved that heroic decision to cut and run and help our enemies! It was unexpected and brilliant. I think Donald Trump is incapable of making a bad decision. He is perfect. A perfect president who always has perfect conversations.”
Sen. Graham wants to take action against Satan.
“I plan on writing legislation to stop the Democrats from doing the Dark One’s bidding. I want to nip this Satan problem right in the bud. We must save our president, he is the chosen one!”
Lindsey Graham drops to his knees as President Trump enters the office.
The commander-in-chief saves Thanksgiving Day for America!
While the rest of the world stood aghast at President Trump’s decision to greenlight Turkey for a Syrian invasion, the master of brilliant strategy revealed his thinking.
Trump stopped by The Lint Screen offices and propped his wingtips up on a desk and told us his rationale behind the Turkey go-ahead.
“I made this decision to save Thanksgiving,” the great one said. “I know how much Americans love turkey, and I want every American to enjoy turkey on Thanksgiving Day.”
The president went on to explain that the country of Turkey is critical to the success of American Thanksgiving.
“A lot of people don’t know this,” he said between sips of Diet Coke, “but turkeys come from Turkey. There’s are parts of Turkey called Butterball, Honeysuckle White, and Fresh Turkey. They grow great birds. Delicious birds. And the deal I made with Turkey’s President Erdogan was simple–– I said, go ahead, my fine strong, manly friend–– invade Syria, kill all the Kurds, let the Russians in, and let all the ISIS prisoners go free. But in return, I want turkeys for America! And some Turkish taffy. Banana flavored. I like banana. And maybe a Turkish towel. White. He agreed. It was such a good deal. An amazing deal.”
“Nasty Nancy whined about us not supporting the Kurds,” he said. “Why should I be nice to the Kurds? The Kurds are bad people. Very bad. They’ve done some awful things. And they were planning to invade Turkey and wipe out all the turkeys for our American Thanksgiving. Imagine Thanksgiving without turkey? Not on my watch!”
Trump shakes his head in disbelief, then continues.
“And as for ISIS, that’s no big deal. ISIS terrorists will just go home to Europe. They will probably retire. I defeated ISIS. No one else could have done that. But I did it. ISIS knows the battle is over. Trump wins! Game over. No more terrorism!”
The first daughter believes everyone must forge their own path to success.
Ivanka Trump is the apple of her father’s eye. As the president has said, he’d probably date her if she wasn’t his daughter.
And everyone knows, Donald J. Trump has a keen eye for the ladies!
But perhaps the sexiest thing about Ivanka is not her perfect 10-bod, but her massive brain (what else would you expect coming from the loins of a very stable genius?). Truly Ivanka is a brilliant, sexy businesswoman who has made her own way.
“It’s outrageous Hunter Biden capitalized on his father’s name,” Ivanka told The Lint Screen. “I honestly believe I’m a better person because I am self-made and wasn’t granted favors by my successful father. I wanted to be me, pull myself up by the bootstraps, and find my own way. Success, if not a sexually-transmitted disease, people share. Each of us must earn it.”
And earn it she has! Ivanka is a mover and a shaker whether it’s paving new stylish inroads on runways of the fashion world, or commanding respect in the corridors of political power–– from Washington, D.C., to G-8 summits, to Air Force One.
Ivanka said she and her siblings were all instilled with an ambitious drive for excellence and appreciation of hard work at an early age.
“Because Daddy was a self-starter himself, he wanted to share the gift of enjoying hard work with us,” she recalls with her big dewy, dreamy brown eyes. “Daddy came from very humble beginnings. He wasn’t given anything.”
Indeed! The story of Donald J. Trump is now legendary–– how he was born into abject poverty and once admitted to his father, he had chopped down a cherry tree. The little boy “was beaten to within an inch” of his life by his father. “It was very unfair,” the president would recall in later life.
But the little boy dared to dream. With wooden blocks (made of cherry!), he built the prototype of a great building, and thus the skyscraper was born. Little Donnie Trump had changed the landscape of the world by taking buildings vertical–– offering the joys of his hard work to God in heaven who he loved so much.
In the process, he became the richest and most successful businessman ever. Clearly, his bombshell daughter is proud of her papa!
“Daddy raised us to learn the value of a dollar and respect hard work,” she said. “He would not allow us to fire a servant until we were eight-years-old! I didn’t get a black AmEx until I was almost sixteen. And poor Don Jr., he didn’t get his first Mercedes until he was eighteen. And Eric didn’t get a multi-million dollar real estate contract until he was nineteen.” She gives a wry laugh. “No one gave us anything, so we made our own way.”
Ivanka Trump thinks each person must find success on their terms, no matter what the obstacles.
“If you look at me, Don Jr., and Eric, you see ambitious people who have made their own ways all by themselves. We didn’t need handouts or ask for favors. And we certainly didn’t cash in on our father’s good name. But Hunter Biden was a parasite on his father, Joe Biden. He used the vice president’s name and power for his own benefit, and he profited by it. Hunter should be ashamed of himself. What a loser!”
No wonder Ivanka is daddy’s little dreamgirl. She has a moral compass that always points to true north. Who wouldn’t want to date her? She’s smokin’ hot and smart as a whip!
