Today President Donald J. Trump gave federal employees a bonus they never counted on–– luxury accommodations when they travel.

“I’m very concerned about the efficiency and productivity of our federal employees,” Trump said in a press conference. “I hired a group of hospitality experts from the prestigious firm of ID&E*, and they ran a multi-million dollar study. What they discovered was incredibly disturbing. Our federal employees are not working up to their full potential because they become exhausted when they travel. And that inefficiency is costing American taxpayers billions of dollars every day. I won’t stand for that!”

Trump signed an executive order dictating that all federal employees must stay at a Trump property when traveling on government business. The new policy is effective immediately.

“This is really the only sensible solution,” the president said. “Trump properties know how to treat weary travelers so they rest completely. The sheets are six million thread count. Very comfortable sheets. You’ve never wet a sheet like this. The beds are plush, and the pillows are made exclusively from goose feathers plucked from geese that laid golden eggs. Pure luxury. And the food is incredibly delicious. You can get a slice of chocolate cake you can’t believe. It’s so good.”

The president began drooling as his chief of staff Mick Mulvaney sopped it up with a towel.

Staying at the luxury accommodations will be more expensive than current government-approved properties, but Trump believes the return on investment will be enormous.

“Federal employees will be able to do so much more after they have a great night’s sleep and $142 breakfast. I think people will be amazed at the results. It will probably add eighteen trillion dollars to the government’s bottom line.”

A reporter from The Lint Screen asked what happens to those employees traveling to cities that don’t have a Trump property?

“We’ve thought about that so I’ll answer your stupid question,” the president said. “It’s easy. The employee will stay at the closest Trump property and we’ll fly them in and out of the city they have to work in. That’s the only humane thing to do. I care about our federal employees very much.”

You have to admire The Big Guy–– he not only has a big heart but a brain also!

*Ivanka, Don Jr., & Eric Hospitality Consultants

Some people make idle threats and some people are as serious as a heart attack. Consider Donald J. Trump fatty, calcified plaque clogging all major arteries!

The president has been carefully watching weather updates on the progress of Hurricane Dorian, poised to build in strength and cause destruction wherever it hits.

“I’ll nip this thing in the bud,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “It’s very nasty. The only thing that can stop a hurricane is a nuclear storm. And I’ve got an arsenal of nuclear weapons second to none. The best nukes. Tremendous firepower. Dorian, don’t tempt me. You won’t win, believe me.”

The leader of the free world thinks the sudden hurricane is not a natural occurence.

“This hurricane was manufactured by the squad and the socialist Democrats,” he said. “These liberals hate America and don’t want to see me make it great again, so they got big wind machines, huge machines, and started this hurricane to attack us. Well, it won’t work. No one is going to make me look bad. I’ll protect the country.”

Trump assured Americans that should Hurricane Dorian cause any damage they shouldn’t fear. 

“I have ordered FEMA to get me lots of paper towels. Many paper towels. Fantastic towels. Very absorbent. And I’ll be throwing them your way. Don’t worry.”

 

He’s done it again. Just when you think President Donald J. Trump couldn’t possibly do a better job at presidenting, he goes and proves you wrong!

The big man stormed the beaches of France for the G-7 Conference. The leaders of France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Canada, and the United Kingdom cowered to this American president.

“He is so incredibly smart,” said a person who attended the meetings. “When Trump spoke, the other leaders looked on with their mouths wide open in disbelief. How could anyone be so smart and so stable? The man is incredible.”

Trump explained how he easily won his trade war with China. “Just like I said I would,” he told The Lint Screen. “Winning trade wars is easy. I am an amazing dealmaker. It’s what I do. And a lot of people say I do it better than anyone who’s ever lived.”

The president also unveiled a radical idea to defeat hurricanes.

“Just nuke them,” he said. “When the weather gets crazy, you have to show it who’s boss. And that’s what I’m going to do.”

The other world leaders also loved the idea of meeting next year at Trump’s Doral resort in Miami.

“We heard it has ‘bungalows’–– can you imagine such a thing?!” said French President Macron. “I imagine it also probably has indoor plumbing.”

And Trump even had the leaders drooling as he described the delicious chocolate cake. “It’s the most beautiful piece of cake in the world. Believe me. Fantastic cake!”

The other leaders asked Trump’s advice on climate change.

“Don’t worry about that,” he said. “It’s all a Chinese hoax. And all the ice melting is going to make for some incredible real estate opportunities.”

The president lectured the reporters gathered about the cost his presidency has taken.

“Had I not decided to save America,” Trump said, “I could have made five to seven billion dollars easy. That’s what it’s costing me to make America great again. But I had to do it after all the carnage Obama caused. Obama made our country a laughingstock! I had to restore respect for our nation.”

We are lucky to have our man representing us to the world. Thank you, sir!

And if we all could kick in a couple of grand, we might be able to help the president make up for his lost revenue opportunities.

Let’s go, people!

President Donald J. Trump is a man of vision. The most successful businessman ever, and the best American leader in history has done it again–– he has won his trade war with China!

“President Xi of China just called me,” Trump told The Lint Screen, “and he surrendered. Just like after China bombed Pearl Harbor. Xi was crying. Crying like a dog. ‘You win,’ Mr. President,’ he said. ‘I am no match for your big brain. Like everyone says, you are a stable genius. You win, President Trump, and your daughter is very hot.’”

“The Chosen One” said the American people should not watch the news or read newspapers. “The fake news media hates me. All they do is report lies. I saw a headline today claiming the Dow was down over 573 points. That’s fake. Not true. The market went up 20,000 points, believe me.”

“The only people telling the truth are Hannity and some of the other Fox people. Some of them are lying, though. If they say that things are bad, you know they’re lying. Fake news. Things are tremendous. It’s very unfair. Fox needs to do something about traitors.”

Trump quickly detailed the triumphs he has achieved.

“When I took office, I was left with the mess Obama made. Horrible depression, riots, immigrants raping women and children, people committing suicide everywhere. It was American carnage. I said it would stop, and I’ve done that. The economy has never been stronger, and working people have never been richer. My tax cuts gave them so much money, incredible amounts of money. And if I get re-elected, I’m going to give everyone the best healthcare plan ever. Incredible plan. It will cost next to nothing, give fantastic coverage. But I’m going to make it even better. If people vote for me, I guarantee immortality. A Trump vote means you’ll live forever. In fact, we might not even need healthcare. But I’ll have it, just in case. We’ll see. We’ll see what happens.”

The president is confident of his victory in 2020.

“I’ve been talking to people, and they tell me I already have 368 electoral college votes. Amazing success. Tremendous success. I’ve made America great again, now I’m going to make it even greater. So great.”

The president continued talking to himself as reporters walked away.

Donald J. Trump is known as one of the greatest dealmakers in the history of civilization.

“Everyone says so,” he told The Lint Screen.

So when the president set his sights on buying Greenland, only to get rebuffed by Danish prime minister Mette Frederiksen, Trump did what all great masterminds do–– he set a new goal.

“Greenland blew it,” Trump said. “They should have gone for my deal. But they didn’t. And that’s their loss. We don’t need them. It’s a lousy country. Awful people. Very rude and disrespectful. I hate them. But that’s okay. I have a new plan. A terrific plan. We’ll buy Alaska.”

Alaska, which is north of America and attached to Canada, is a large parcel of land known for its baked desserts, igloos, and dog sleds.

“I think Alaska will be a much better real estate deal than Greenland,” the president said. “Alaska has oil, all kinds of natural resources we can mine and exploit. And I’ve heard the people are nice. Much nicer than those nasty Greenlanders. Alaska’s also close to Russia. That will be good to have in case I have to go talk with Putin.”

Trump smiled.

“Putin’s a hell of a guy. Strong leader. Very smart. Anyway, I’ve been talking to my people about setting up a meeting with the president of Alaska so we can talk. I plan to close this deal. It’s going to be fantastic. Believe me, this will be remembered as one of the greatest deals of all time. It’s a deal Obama never could have pulled off. Not in a million years. He was a very weak president. Weak as a kitten.”

We contacted the president of Alaska for a comment and have received no response. Yet.

Lady Liberty is one old dame!

She was given to the United States in 1886. A gift from the French people who would later give us French Fries (a tastier gift that’s much more important in American history).

The old green lady was erected in the harbor of New York City way back when and lots of destitute, poverty-stricken vermin sailed by her stoic face as they infested our shores and invaded our land.

These ragamuffin freeloaders took the inscription on the base of Lady Liberty literally:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

That was then, but those open door days may soon be gone.

Ken Cuccinelli, the acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, told The Lint Screen he wants a new inscription placed on Lady Liberty.

“America can’t roll out the red carpet for just any bum,” he said as he spritzed his pie hole with refreshing Binaca Breath Freshener. “The president wants me to shut the door and lock it. So together we’ve noodled a new inscription for Lady Liberty. And when Mitch and the boys get back from their break, we’ll have them pass a bill and make it official.”

Here is the proposed inscription in its entirety:

“Give me your true go-getters,

those with gumption determined to succeed,

those who have trust funds or the backing of the fossil fuel industry.

People who have no brown in their pigment,

white as flour sprinkled on snow.

Pure as Columbian coke before it gets stepped on.

Individuals who can pull themselves up by the bootstraps,

so they can make something of themselves,

and join a Trump Country Club.

Trump properties are the absolute best. Fantastic country clubs. Incredible.

Everyone says so.

As for the rest of the world and your scummy masses,

go back to where you come from, losers.

Then go straight to hell.”

Cuccinelli smiled and said, “I think the new inscription will be a hit! We love it. Standing up for winners is how the president is making America great again.”