Foreign relations experts around the world heralded President Trump’s visit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un at the demilitarized zone (DMZ) on June 30. Many consider it the most significant diplomacy meeting in history.

“It was incredible,” said a man claiming to know all sorts of things about diplomatic history and other important things. “I mean, really, it was something else. Trump is the first American president to step on North Korean soil. That’s a total game changer! The world may never be the same.”

But a curious thing happened after the historic pow-wow –– all the North Korean photographers and videographers who captured the event mysteriously vanished.

An official on the U.S. travel team said, “There were swarms of cameramen snapping pictures like they were witnessing Beyonce eating raw sewage. But soon after, our intelligence reported they all disappeared. Along with their photography gear.”

The Lint Screen dispatched a crack investigative journalism team to North Korea to look into the mysterious matter. Here is what they found.

When the pictures and video of the epic meeting were reviewed, both President Trump and Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un appeared to be obese. N. Korean officials were outraged because both leaders are in perfect physical condition.

Obviously, the evil photographers had doctored the images. They must have used advanced photographic retouching techniques to alter the film in an effort to discredit the great men.

The pictures were fake!

Soon after, the photographers and videographers “disappeared.”

The mystery of their whereabouts is unknown. Some suspect, the shutterbugs may be attending photography school. Or, perhaps they went on vacation.

Recently the staff of The Lint Screen was approached by a high-powered GOP strategist for ideas on “positioning lines” for President Donald J. Trump’s re-election bid.

While the Big Fella wants to re-run with Make America Great Again (MAGA), some advisors are pushing for Keep America Great Again (KAGA). Both sides agreed to look at some new options. Then, Trump will decide, and others will praise his brilliant decision.

Here are the options TLS brain trust proposed for the Trump/Pence 2020 campaign (should Pence stay on the ticket or be called home during the rapture):

Keep America Kicking Ass (KAKA)

The Best Is Yet To Come, It Will Be Incredible, Amazing, Tremendous! Really, You’re Not Going To Believe How Great It’s Going To Be (TBIYTCIWBIATRYNGTBHGIGTB)  Note: We may need a slightly bigger hat

Re-Elect, Or Immigrants Will Kill You 

Greatness: We’ve Only Just Begun

No Collusion, No Obstruction, No Lie!

You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet

Predictably Erractic

Next Season Will Be Even Better!

More Covfefe, The Best Covfefe

Make America Safe Again (MASA)

Jail Crooked Hillary, Drain Swamp, Build Wall

Still Cleaning Up Obama’s Messes

Bigly & Betterer Than Ever

Pissing Off Allies, Coddling Tyrants 

Let’s See What Happens

Russia, If You’re Listening–– HELP!

Re-Imagine Democracy

Integrity, Character, Honesty. Really!

Cliffhangers Served Daily

There Are More Wars To Fight

No One Tweets Better 

The Best President Ever–– Everyone Says So

The Second Season Is Always Better

Stay Tuned, Just You Wait!

Melania Will Smile In The Second Term

We submitted the slogans along with our invoice. We haven’t heard back yet. We’re excited to hear the final decision!

And to get paid.

We live in truly perilous and terrifying times.

As President Trump works overtime to make America great again, disturbing reports have surfaced that he is being haunted by a sinister demon.

“The president is an extremely brave man,” sidekick Mike Pence said. “But he is being stalked by Satan himself. I’m so frightened that I swear I would gird my loins if that weren’t a mortal sin.”

Insiders say a ghost wearing eyeglasses with white hair and a comically large Yosemite Sam mustache is haunting the White House.

“This spirit is very angry,” reported Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “He is out of control and trying to seduce the president into World War III.”

“I saw him once and peed myself,” said Donald Trump, Jr. as he shuttered recalling the terrifying incident.

“I can poop on the potty like a big boy,” his brother Eric said proudly. “I hope I never see that evil ghost because I have gone almost three whole days without having an accident!”

White House security is on full alert to intercept and subdue the violent intruder before he causes harm.

“I don’t know who would let a nutcase like that into my home,” said President Trump. “But for protection and added security, I have Mike Pompeo stalking the halls with a shotgun. I think it will all turn out very good. We’ll see what happens.”

The world’s most powerful man looked at his Oval Office rug and became agitated.

“Eric,” he shouted. “Did you have an accident on my rug again?”

The Lint Screen digs into a story like a dog with a metal detector looking for bones, and we’ve unearthed an enormous scoop–– the complete “beautiful letter” from North Korean Overlord Kim Jong Un to American Overlord Donald J. Trump.
Here is the correspondence in its entirety.
“Dear Don-Dude,
What up, fella? The Kimster here and I wanna lay some props on you for the rad job you did on your Euro-tour.
Bitch, you were rockin’ that chill tux you wore to the fancypants dinner at Buckingham Palace. You looked like you stepped off a wedding cake–– I’ll bet you had icing on your shoes!!!!!!!!!!!
HA!
Seriously, man, and you gave that really sincere speech at Normandy and trashed “Nervous Nancy” (you are so clever it’s amazing!) and “Sleepy” Joe Biden and it was classic Trumpinator–– and I totally loved the optics of the graves in the background. It made everything you said even more stinging.
Dude, I would HATE to be your political enemy!
Why don’t you just do like me and kill your enemies? I don’t understand why you don’t punch back with some power. You’re obviously a ripped guy (I’m not a homosexual, but damn you looked FINE in that tux.
Melania’s one lucky first lady!!!
Anyway, you should consider my approach to dealing with your enemies. GIVE NANCY A REASON TO BE NERVOUS!
You’re totally cray, though, you got that whole GOP eating outta your hand. Love that. Keep those spineless bitches in line, they’ll help you get re-elected.
Speaking of that, don’t worry. I was chillin’ with Vlad last week and we’re behind you 100%. We got you, bro, no worries.
Trump 2020’s in the bag–– it’s just a question of how many states you wanna take. We leave it to you, but we can deliver all 50, but you may wanna only take 39 or something, you know, make it seem competitive.
The choice is yours. Let us know.
Anyway, I’ve got to go now– my goon squad’s torturing some of my political enemies and I just wanna kick back, grab some kernels and a brewski and watch the show.
Keep up the GREAT WORK, you really do have the biggest brain and you’re VERY SMART and make THE ABSOLUTE BEST DEALS.
I really admire the hell outta ya, big guy!!!
Oh yeah, it’s a no go on me giving up the nuclear bomb development–– I like big bangs!
Catch ya later, dude, on the flip-flop,
The Kimster”

Here at The Lint Screen, we are always looking for a story that will give us an edge. A voice that will resonate around the world.

With that in mind, we gave Donald Trump, Jr. a star sticker with the word “REPORTER” written on it and asked him to file a special dispatch from London about his visit. Here is what he wrote for our readers. Enjoy!

“One of the really neat-o things about having your Pops be President is that you get to go on really cool trips with him!!! So me and his fav-sibs (Ivanka, Eric, and your truly!) got to bring our dates on an all-expenses-paid trip to London–– and we are having a royal blast! (Get it– ROYAL!)

The interesting thing about London is they actually speak English here, but they talk in a funny way that doesn’t sound American at all. English people have some sort of weird accent, but, at least you can understand most of what they’re saying–– unlike those stupid French.

I expected to see some chimney sweeps dancing and singing like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, but no such luck. There were no dancing penguins either! Darn it!!!

Pops says the mayor of London sucks! I have to agree with him on that! Pops is the most powerful man in the world and he can really spank!!!

Pops said we all had to wear weird monkey suits (see above–– Ivanka couldn’t be in the picture because she was wearing a dress, but we let Jared represent her). The suits were not comfortable at all, especially for a guy like me who ALWAYS goes commando–– but we have to do whatever Pops says or we’ll get grounded!!!

The Queen of England is a short old lady. I’m a LOT taller than she is! Eric said she offered him some hard candy–– I don’t know if he was kidding or not, but I sure wanted some hard candy.

I looooooooooove Watermelon Sours! They make my mouth pucker like a fish!

I asked the Queen if I could wear her crown and see her family jewels. She looked REALLY offended. Jeez laweeze!

At Buckingham Palace, I saw a bunch of guys marching around outside in red coats and these tall big beaver hats shaped like domes on their heads. They were like those guards in Emerald City in The Wizard of Oz.

I asked Ivanka if she had ruby red slippers and she looked at me like I was some weirdo. Forgive me, princess!

Cripes, sometimes having a hot sis sucks!

Buckingham Palace is really, REALLY big and we had this swell dinner with all kinds of fancy plates and glasses and flatware and fancy foods. I asked if I could just get a McDonald’s Happy Meal, and Pops gave me the hairy eyeball and said I had to eat what they served.

He had a big bucket of KFC. I didn’t dare ask if I could maybe have a piece because he gets real, REAL mad when he has to share.

I was talking to Jared (Ivanka’s handsome husband) and he is really, REALLY smart. Jared says Pops has him working on Middle East peace, solving the opioids crisis, the immigration crisis, and all sorts of other problems.

I wish Pops would give me a hard nut to crack! I’m a smart kid!!!

That’s all, folks, Pops says we got to go now. As they say here in England, ‘Cheerios.’

Boy, they must REALLY like cereal!!!!!!!!

The nation held its collective breath today as special counsel Robert Mueller held a press conference at the Justice Department. While the pundits debate exactly what Mueller said, press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders gave The Lint Screen her informed translation.

“It was pretty obvious Bob Mueller admitted his investigation was a complete and total witch hunt,” Sanders said. “And the result of all the time and money wasted produced two big, fat zeroes–– there was absolutely no conspiracy and no collusion–– just like the president has said repeatedly.”

Sanders believes Mueller went out of his way to admit Donald J. Trump is the greatest president in history.

“Although he didn’t come out and say it directly, I think his body language said it all. Mueller is a big fan and huge admirer of the president,” she said. “He is a man beyond reproach. We all must support President Trump and accept everything he says as truth. Because it is!”

The press secretary also believes Mueller is embarrassed and ashamed of the sham investigation he headed.

“That’s obvious. Why else would he be leaving his cushy job for public life? After the kind of power he had, it would be crazy for him to go back to being an ordinary citizen.”

Sanders also thinks Mueller clearly exonerated the president and Russia of any wrongdoing in the 2016 election.

“While Mueller said Russia did interfere in our election, I know Bob has a wicked sense of humor. He was ribbing the president and Putin who have both said there was absolutely no conspiracy. Who should we believe–– two presidents of great countries or one government hack? Of course, we’re going to trust our leaders and not some schmo in a suit. Oh, that Bob, he is such a joker!”

The press secretary thinks Mueller’s press conference should finally put the entire controversy about the investigation to rest.

“Mueller said case closed. Nothing to see here. Our president is a very honorable man and attorney general Barr is beyond reproach and doing a fabulous job upholding justice. I think what Mueller was saying is clear–– get back to work Congress and keep cutting taxes for job creators, keep reducing government oversight of financial organizations and environmental causes, addressing our immigration crisis, and supplying more weapons to our besties, the Saudis.”

Sanders took a deep breath.

“He didn’t say all that in so many words, but I’m sure that’s what he meant. The bottom line, we’re all good, here. Let’s go on and keep working to make America great again!”