Tag: Patrick Scullin

In an effort to unite the country during these troubled times, President Trump thinks we should give a present to generous people.

“The Christmas season is coming up,” the president told The Lint Screen, “that means a lot of mailing for gift givers. While my economy is the best ever in American history, an incredible economy, I think people shouldn’t be taxed for being generous and sending others special Christmas presents. So I am asking Congress to pass legislation that will give people who mail many, many packages a discount on their postage.”

Trump has railed against the mainstream media (“FAKE NEWS”) for dividing our country.

“What we’re seeing now is horrible,” the Trumpinator said. “I’ve got Mueller’s ridiculous witch hunt, and I have the media out to get me. They’ll do anything to not give me credit for the great job I’m doing. They do their stupid fact checking–– their facts, not mine–– and they make up fake news. It’s disgusting. Fox News is the only channel that tells the truth. Thank God for patriots like Sean Hannity.”

Trump pointed to a Bible on his desk. “God wrote that. It’s a good book. It’s no Art of The Deal, but it really is a very good book.” Then he continued.

“I am a great uniter, everyone says so. I’m a man who works to make peace. Always a kind word for everyone. I warn people about dangers. I want others to follow my lead and be like Santa Claus. I’m encouraging Americans to send special packages to people they disagree with. Share gifts that will bring us together. And if Congress does their job, the postage will be much more affordable for people to share their love.”

Last night, former bitter enemies Ted Cruz and Donald J. Trump had a mutual lovefest in front of 16,000 people in Houston’s Toyota Center during a rally for Cruz’s re-election.

“It was really something,” said Ernie Stipman of Victoria, Texas. “Those two guys obviously love each other a bunch. The president said Ted was beautiful, and Ted said he wanted to wake up in ‘the big guy’s arms’ and make him a Denver omelet, link sausages, cinnamon toast, and a glass of pineapple OJ with a paper umbrella in it. That’s what I call love. It was kind of sweet, really.”

Many in the enthusiastic crowd were somewhat shocked at just how close the junior Senator from Texas and the President have become lately.

“Back when they were both running for president, Trump called Ted’s wife ugly and said Ted’s daddy helped kill Kennedy,” Jim Kincaid, a reporter with The Penny Press told The Lint Screen. “Hell, Donald called him ‘Lyin’ Ted’ all the time. And Ted called Trump “an utterly amoral, narcissist,” a “serial philanderer” and a “pathological liar.” Back in those days, I’ll bet they wanted bone saws when they saw each other. And now you need a crowbar to separate the two of them.”

Indeed. When the Trumpinator and The Tedster lovingly hugged on stage, Wind Beneath My Wings sung by Bette Midler was played over the loudspeakers. The two men slow danced and massaged each other’s back for over four minutes as the audience awkwardly watched and fidgetted in their seats.

“Those boys have really mended their fences,” Mandy Petersbow said. “It was really touching–– I mean once you choked back your own sick and swallow hard.”

“Jamal Khashoggi did indeed die in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul,” Abdullah Ahmad, a spokesperson for the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia told The Lint Screen. “But the circumstances around his unfortunate death are not what people suspect.”

According to Ahmad, when Khashoggi entered the Saudi consulate in Istanbul on August 2, his goal was simply to get some paperwork completed for his upcoming marriage.

“Everyone in the Kingdom was so happy for Jamal,” Ahmad said. “Weddings are such happy occasions, especially now that women can drive in Saudi Arabia thanks to Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. It is very exciting. Remember–– ten o’clock, two o’clock, ladies!” Ahmad smiled, took a deep breath, and continued.

“To help Khashoggi celebrate, we took two jets from the Kingdom with 15 Saudi agents. We wanted to throw Jamal a bachelor party. He was a very popular guy, Jamal was, and no one in the royal family was upset by his extremely disloyal writings and criticisms. People are free to say and think what they like. We encourage free speech. But what Jamal was writing, well, it was all fake news.”

Ahmad mopped his brow with a silk handkerchief and wrung out a small puddle on the floor. “We all really liked Jamal Khashoggi, despite his dissident writings for the Bezos Washington Post. So, his 15 closest friends began his joyous bachelor party. It was such fun! Potato chips, dip, three kinds of Kool-Aid. I like Kool-Aid, do you like Kool-Aid?”

This reporter said he did like Kool-Aid. Ahmad smiled and continued.

“There was so much joy in our celebration, but Jamal looked very sad. He said, ‘I have been disloyal in writing my fake news and lies. I am a traitor to our nation and a deadly poison to the Kingdom.’ He then took out a sharp sword from his pants, and he beheaded himself. We looked on in horror and disbelief! So much blood! Then, Jamal dismembered himself quickly, placing his body pieces into plastic bags. He asked us to take his remains back to the Kingdom. Well, this was hardly the bachelor party we had envisioned. Not at all! It was very tragic.”

Abdullah Ahmad sobbed and blew his nose into his damp handkerchief.

“We have told Mike Pompeo and your great leader President Trump the details of this unfortunate event, and they said they understand completely–– some men just are not ready for marriage. I asked if we can resume the great relationship between our countries. Yes, they said. We’re all good.”

Ahmad smiled and rose from his seat. “I hope this clarifies the mystery surrounding the death of Jamal Khashoggi. Now, could you give me directions to the Trump hotel?”

The Lint Screen has decided after extensive and exhaustive research that the best human being to have ever graced the Earth is Saudi Deputy Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman.

Our editorial staff believes he is a leader for the ages with his progressive ideas (women driving cars–– what a radical notion!!!) and his warm, welcoming compassion toward journalists.

Move over Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, Trebek, there’s a new kid in town who has all the answers, and brother, he is a humdinger of a swell fellow!