Tag: Patrick Scullin

The Donald is meeting privately with the Vladinator next week, and the sucking  sound you hear is the world’s collective fearful gasp of disbelief.

When two leaders from nuclear superpowers meet, it’s news. When there is no one there to bear witness, it’s like all the trees have fallen in the forest and our hearing aids are cranked to 11.

Through diligent investigative journalism (and forking over some Four Roses Bourbon and a couple of joints), The Lint Screen has obtained the official ‘discussion topics’ for President Trump when he meets with the beady-eyed ruthless Ruski bastard.

(Excuse me, the doorbell rang, and there’s a delivery. Hey, look–– it’s a powder from Russia. A body talc, perhaps? Let me open it. It smells kind of funny. Ewwwwww, I don’t feel so good…)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The brave, dim-witted reporter rubbed the mysterious Russian powder all over his body, then up and died like Bojangle’s dog. To meet our deadline, this hard scrapple newsman will now detail the list of topics Trump will discuss with Putin. Someone’s got to win Pulitzers around here!

THINGS TO TALK ABOUT WITH POOTIE

1. Do you think I’m the greatest president ever? Many people are saying that–– I’m just wondering if you agree.
2. I heard you invaded Georgia. Do you have any plans on invading Alabama? South Carolina?
3. You’re my friend, right?
4. That Kim Jong-Un is a bit of a nutcase. Do you think he likes me? I said he was very smart and talented, so he should like me, right?
5. If I help Russia, can we build a Trump Tower next to the Kremlin? That’s prime real estate. It would do very good business, I’m sure.
6. Did you hear about my Supreme Court pick? I was very presidential. Everyone says so. I was very impressive. Did an outstanding job.
7. Europe and Canada are bad–– am I right? And Merkel, she’s like maybe a 2, if that. Very poor leader, not camera ready.
8. Would you like a DVD collection of my years on “The Apprentice”? I was the best. I think you’d like it. I had a catch phrase. I won’t tell you what it was; you’ll have to watch to find out. That’s called a cliffhanger…
9. Do you think Ivanka’s a hottie? I do. An incredible woman, very beautiful.
10. Can we go and ride horses with no shirts on? It will make an excellent photo op. I’ve been dieting, looking good.
11. You didn’t meddle in the 2016 elections, right? I told everyone that you never would do that. I said they were stupid to suspect you, but they wanted me to ask anyway. The investigation is the worst witch hunt in history, believe me.
12. About that tape of the Russian girls and me, can I get it back and will you destroy all the copies? Please?
13. How can I help you? I can be very helpful.

Ol’ Glory has had it. The Stars and Stripes have hired Atty. Michael Avenatti and filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against President Donald J. Trump. Avenatti also represents adult film star Stormy Daniels in a lawsuit against Trump.

“It’s outrageous how the president gropes and slobbers over the American flag,” Avenatti told The Lint Screen. “Betsy Ross didn’t prick herself with needles sewing our flag to have that prick assault her honor and glory. It’s disgusting. Who the hell knows where Trump’s tiny hands have been? And he needs to keep his crotch to himself and quit grinding on defenseless national symbols of freedom and liberty.”

“This lawsuit is completely frivolous,” White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. She then read from a prepared statement. “The president represents the American flag and all it stands for and he is loyal and committed to it, like a wife. So, he’s earned the right to have an intimate relationship with Ol’ Glory. After all, this is America! And besides, she keeps teasing him by waving.”

Sanders looked up from her podium. “Anyone have a snack, a sandwich or something? I can’t buy a meal in this town and I’m starved.”

Snowflakes are melting over the border crisis of illegal immigrant children being separated from their parents and scattered across America.

2,300 children are MIA. But not for long!

In a decisive and brave move, first lady Melania Trump took to her Batplane and flew to McAllen, Texas.

The high fashion former model sported an exclusive $39 designer jacket with the message: I DON’T CARE DO U?

Apparently, her FU jacket was at the cleaners.

Sources close to FLOTUS report she is furious that “some cruel and idiotic bonehead” decreed that kids get taken from their parents.

“The first lady is determined to get to the bottom of this problem,” the anonymous source told The Lint Screen. “But first she said she simply must get her nails done–– she says they are positively atrocious and she’s tired of suffering with them. ”

No worries, America, becoming great again is right around the corner.

As Melania Trump says, “Be best.”

President Donald J. Trump is a very busy man. When he’s not bringing about world peace, making new pals with strong and very talented leaders, he is spreading love and compassion for all of humanity.

The big man called The Lint Screen today for some exclusive quotes about the recent brouhaha at the border.

“I had to do something,” the prez said, “the evil Democrats were stealing crying babies from their parents and locking them up. I’m sure Nancy Pelosi and Crooked Hillary were going to dip the poor kids in vats of hot oil. Then, Chuck Schumer would stick the crispy little buggers with sharp spears. That’s not right. That’s bad. Very bad. And frankly, it’s not very American.”

Trump cracked open a Diet Coke and continued.

“This was a big problem, separating parents from their kids, even if the parents are illegals and probably rapists and murders or members of MS-13. But the kids? The kids are probably pretty innocent. I mean, most of the kids probably are. Maybe not all of them, but most of them are fine. Good kids. Maybe a little criminal, stealing things, lighting fires, making bombs. There’s always some bad apples. Anyway, I couldn’t stand by and watch the Democrats rip innocent babies away from their criminal families. So, I took action. That’s what I do. I’m very good at taking action. I’m like a presidential action figure. Much better than Obama, everyone says so. And I was incredible on ‘The Apprentice’–– did an amazing job. Much, much better than Schwarzenegger.”

Trump could be heard patting himself on the back.

“So I went to Congress, and I said don’t take these kids from their parents. I told the lawmakers they had to fix this problem. They need to get the money to build my wall. The wall will solve everything. A big, beautiful wall will keep illegal parents and their kids out. That will protect them from the horrible Democrats. And since over 2,000 kids are still missing, I told the dairy companies to put all their faces on milk cartons. That always works. We’ll find them. I know we will. I love children. I’m a very loving man, everyone says so.”

Trump took a deep breath.

“And Mueller needs to call off his very unfair witch hunt. There was absolutely no collusion. It’s a total witch hunt. Complete disgrace.”