As The Games of The XXX Olympiad come to a close, The Lint Screen presents some secrets that the world media have missed, or refuse to report because of some evil plot involving dry cleaners and the banking industry.

1. The reason so many running world records were shattered is that the athletes were told that if they lost, they’d be forced to watch full episodes of the fall season of new NBC shows.

2. Bob Costas has been juicing himself with the blood of Dick Clark to achieve his eternally youthful appearance.

3. The dressage competition was fixed. Some of the horses ‘threw’ their performances for extra apples and the promise of new Nike Air horseshoes.

4. The United States of America topped China in the total medal count. In retaliation, China has jacked-up the vig on our debt to it.

5. Eighteen horses drowned in water polo competition.

6. These Games set a record for comically large “WE’RE #1” foam finger sales and bangers and mash served in plastic Beefeater hats.

7. The International Olympic Committee is suing Tomlinson Pest Control of Oil City, Pennsylvania for advertising itself as “The Olympic Champion of Rodent Killing.”