Author: PD Scullin

Toilet paper doesn’t know Donald J. Trump’s ass as well as Mike Pence does.

The former V.P. still worships his ex-boss, disgraced, twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump. Even after Trump’s looney tunes, maniac supporters wanted to kill Pence for certifying the election on January 6.

“I honestly can’t blame people for wanting to see me strung up,” Pence tells The Lint Screen, shaking his head. “I was a coward. I should have never certified the presidential election. President Trump told me that he had won in a landslide, but I foolishly believed the actual election results. I was wrong.”

Pence is outraged the media “has made a big deal” out of the events on January 6.

“It was one day, one day,” Pence says. “Let it go, people. Cops got beaten, American flags were used as weapons, patriots smeared crap on the walls of The Capital, and angry folks were looking for politicians to kill––so what? These Trump supporters were simply expressing their freedom, their God-given liberty. I think the media needs to shut up and let bygones be bygones. There’s nothing to see here. Move on!”

The Trump sycophant believes he made a mistake by allowing the count of the Congressional vote.

“We all knew the election results,” he says. “President Trump had told us. And he’s the leader of the free world, so why on earth would he lie? Biden cheated and he’s ruining America. Everyone says so.”

Pence is thankful the coup mob didn’t hang him on insurrection day.

“That angry crowd wanted to kill me, and probably my wife and kids, too. And who could blame them? The media provoked the insurrection by spreading the false story that Joe Biden had won the election. I’m glad I was protected and my life was saved, but now I’m finally speaking out. Donald J. Trump is our savior and redeemer, he’s the chosen one. And I bow to his glory.”

The bootlicking ass-kisser bows his head. “I am pathetic,” he says quietly to himself. “Absolutely pathetic.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The dogged investigative journalists of The Lint Screen tracked down Arizona Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D?) to ask why she is stonewalling Joe Biden’s “Build Back Better” spending plan.

Sinema, who has been tight-lipped up to now, sat and spoke at length about her feelings.

KS:  “It’s just, you know, I guess the spending plans have a lot of money in them when you think about it, and I know they will help a lot of people. I mean, just about anyone who has to work for a living. You know, the people who aren’t super-rich so they have to pay taxes––what is it they call those people again? Oh, yeah, the lower and middle-class people. I think that’s what you’re supposed to call them.

And well, the thing is, I suppose the infrastructure bill is really good because it would employ a lot of people to repair a lot of things that are old and crumbling in our country. You know, like bridges that collapse while cars on them, or the United States electrical grid, which is held together by chewing gum, duct tape, and optimism. And measures to deal with climate change, although I don’t think having 138-degree days is that awful, or certain states being underwater because of rising oceans.

And then, the social programs would do things that might bring America into the Twenty-First Century. You know, provide Americans some of the nice things they have in Europe: childcare, early education, help with college, and affordable drug prices. The money would also help eliminate child poverty and help seniors get better medical care. I suppose those kinds of things would really help people, and make society better.

But the more I think about it, I don’t know. I just can’t seem to get on board with the spending plans. Even though I know they would be great for the country, our citizens, Joe Biden, and the Democratic Party.

I guess what I want from the spending plans is just, you know, well––like maybe, stuff. Yeah, that’s it. Stuff. I don’t know how much clearer I can be about this. I want stuff, lots of stuff. And until I get my stuff, I just can’t in good conscience support the spending plans. I hope I’ve made myself crystal clear.”

Following her explanation, an assistant escorted the Senator to a scheduled dinner with pharmaceutical lobbyists who donated heavily to her election campaign.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Freedom lovers are showing up in cemeteries to announce their love of freedom.

“I still think this Covid thing is a hoax,” says Wilbur Manson, hooked up to a ventilator in a Memphis hospital ICU. He begins coughing, then catches his breath and continues. “And I sure as hell wasn’t getting a vaccine, no sir. You don’t know what that Fauci guy put in it. Could be alien sperms.” He wheezes. “And I am not going to be no slave to wearing a mask. I’m no sheep.”

The 52-year-old-man stopped talking as his heart monitor flatlined. His widow began sobbing. “Damn you, Joe Biden! You killed my husband!”

Later, when asked why she blamed the president for her husband’s death, she explained.

“If Biden hadn’t stolen the election from Trump, this never would have happened.” She wiped her eyes. “Wilbur didn’t get sick until Biden got in the White House. It’s all his fault, and I’ll never forgive him for killing my husband.”

The famous state slogan of New Hampshire, Live Free or Die, has been re-written by anti-vaxxers as Live Free, And Die.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

In the old west, the marshal would round up a posse to chase and track down dirty no-good varmints who broke the law. In Texas, the same thing happens as bounty hunters and vigilantes begin tracking down pregnant women seeking an abortion.

“Gov. Greg Abbott and the Texas Republican legislature have called open season on ladies,” an excited Hank “Tex” Crayton tells The Lint Screen. “They’re offering $10,000 a head on fillies trying to abort their babies. When I heard of the big reward, boy howdy, I was thrilled. I quit my job at the 7-Eleven and am now pursuing a new career hunting pregnant ladies. It makes me feel right proud knowing I am helping bring unwanted kids into this world.”

Tex says he thinks the competition will be fierce for ratting out women seeking abortions.

“I suspect there’s a lot of folks like me,” he says. “Patriots who want to make sure women don’t do the wrong thing and get a $10,000 jackpot.”

Pete Rexrod is another excited Texas bounty hunter.

“I live in a huge apartment complex, so it’s going to be like shooting fish in a barrel,” he says. “I’m keeping tabs on all the ladies who have men visitors because I read that men got seeds in their wieners, and they plant those seeds in women, and that’s where babies come from. The whole story about storks delivering babies is a liberal lie to mislead the public. Anyway, those girls with lots of male visitors are high on my suspect list. And once I catch a lady looking for an abortion, I’ll be ten grand richer.”

Not everyone is excited about the new law.

“It’s creepy as hell,” says Cindy Hesserman, a 28-year-old divorcee. “I’ve got all these weird guys following me like I’m some leprechaun who’s going to lead them to a pot full of gold at the end of the rainbow. I’m afraid they will give me COVID. They don’t wear masks or get vaccines because they want to exercise their freedom. But they want to rob me of my Constitutional right. Thanks, Gov. Abbott, you colossal horse’s ass. Mind you own damn business!”

Those are wise words, Cindy. Good luck with that.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Those damn Democrats are at it again!

First, they cheated disgraced twice-impeached ex-president Donald J. Trump out of his re-election to a second term, and now, they are cheating conservative talk show host Larry Elder out of his election to the California Governorship.

“Gavin Newsom is a big fat cheater,” Elder told The Lint Screen. “I suspect there will be boatloads of fake ballots from China unloaded and counted in this recall election. Newsom is doing all sorts of stuff to stack the vote in his favor. I am going to call in the Cyber Ninjas to investigate. They are the warriors of truth!”

Even though there are over 40 candidates running in the election of California Governor, should Newsom be recalled, Elder says, he is undoubtedly the front runner.

“If this were a fair election, I would win hands down,” Elder says. “I checked with President Trump, and he says I would have won easily, just like he won in a landslide back in November. But Biden cheated him, and now Newsom is cheating me. The president assured me I won in a landslide, just like he did. We’re both big winners, but we’re getting cheated! I’m telling you, the Republican Party can’t get any breaks with elections. We always win! Everyone knows that!”

Elder says he plans to fight the election results tooth and nail.

“I don’t care what the election results say,” Elder says. “I am moving into the governor’s mansion in Sacramento and will be ruling over California. And I’m going to enact an abortion law like in Texas because that’s what my citizens want! Women want men to control their bodies and make decisions for them. I know this, and I will be the greatest governor in California history!”

Good luck with that, Mr. Elder.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The Republican Party is on a roll in Texas.

After effectively eliminating a woman’s right to choose after six weeks and turning the population into money-hungry bounty hunters, GOP Texas lawmakers propose a new bill that would severely limit a woman’s right to free speech.

“Texans love their women,” says rep. Barry F. Lunkin. “Most of us had moms who were of the female persuasion. But we also know womenfolk are prone to saying things their men may not want to hear––like we’re drinkin’ too much, want a bunch of sex from them, or have our loaded weapons lying around the house where the kids can find them. We know the ladies probably feel guilty about running their mouths all the time riding us like they’re trying to break a wild mustang, so we’re going to help them.”

In a proposed law written by Lunkin and a few of his GOP associates in the Texas legislature, women must remain silent unless addressed directly by a man.

“I think it’s a darn good law,” Lunkin tells The Lint Screen. “It’ll give the little ladies some time to think before they run their yaps. All of us men agree that women talk too much, and it gets on our nerves something fierce. This law will make it easier for us to love and care for our little fillies because they won’t be driving us nuts with their jib-jabbering all the time. Gov. Greg Abbott is crazy about the legislation and is itching to sign it into the law of the land.”

Lunkin believes his new law coupled with the recently enacted anti-abortion law will go a long way to bring peace to the battle of the sexes.

“When a man needs his woman, he’ll let her know,” Lunkin says with a smile. “And when he’s done with her, she can get back to being quiet––going to work at the Walmart, minding the young uns, or rustling up some grub. This new legislation will make every woman’s life easier because she won’t have to have any small talk or babble on about every little thing under the sun. We want Texas to be heaven for women, and we’re going to do everything in our power to make that happen.”

Lunkin tips his ten-gallon hat and strolls into the sunset depicted on the wallpaper in his office. He bumps his head and swears.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.