Author: PD Scullin

Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is a forgiving man, and he believes FBI Director Chris Wray should also be merciful.

Yesterday, Hawley grilled Wray on the FBI response to the January 6 Capitol attack. The clean-cut Ivy League-educated dandy who portrays a populist in Washington became visibly agitated on learning the FBI is conducting an exhaustive investigation into the deadly insurrection.

“I don’t understand, Director Wray,” Hawley said. “Why do we have to spend all this time and tax money on a little misunderstanding? Why are you hassling innocent people? The whole thing seems like overkill to me!”

G-Man Wray seemed perplexed by Hawley’s line of questioning. After telling the senator the FBI was using smartphone geolocation as a tool in investigating the crimes committed, Hawley became incensed.

“Do you think that’s fair, Director Wray?” Hawley asked. “Why is the FBI using advanced technology to harass good, honest, law-abiding American citizens? It doesn’t make any sense. You are invading the privacy and freedoms of Constitutional-loving American citizens–– and for what? Because you have some liberal vendetta against freedom?”

Hawley threw his arms into the air, looking like a windsock outside a used car lot, and continued his rant.

“Who’s to say those poor people weren’t simply confused about the start time of The Capitol tours? I think that may have been what happened. The FBI should lighten up on this unfair investigation! Just drop the investigation and let’s move on!”

Ted Cruz agreed with his fellow Republican seditionist.

“We can’t go on doing these witch hunts on good God-fearing, America-loving citizens,” the bearded ivy League-educated Cancun tourist pretending to be a man of the people said. “There is nothing to see here with this whole messy investigation. It happened, so what?! It’s in the past. We should get on with life and try to unify our country. I want unity for all!”

“Ted’s right,” Hawley agreed. “Let’s just let bygones be bygones and close the book on this awful infringement on American rights. Director Wray, you and your people, should be ashamed of yourselves,” Hawley said, wagging his finger. “You’re a disgrace.”

Wray looked at the two senators in disbelief.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Pity poor “Little Marco” Rubio. As many Republican politicians vie to curry favor with their master, twice impeached disgraced ex-president Donald J. Trump, Rubio has gotten lost in the shuffle of crazy conspiracy theorists.

No more!

Today Rubio told The Lint Screen about his latest accusation about the January 6 insurrection at the Capitol.

“Some of my Republican associates have laid the blame of the Capitol attack on Antifa,” Rubio said. “That’s a good theory, but I have a much better one–– it was members of Black Lives Matter and Meryl Streep behind all the shenanigans.”

Rubio claims that although the people invading “The People’s House” appeared to be white supremacist Trump supporters, they were actually an army of Black Lives Matter radicals who were made up to appear as if they were angry white people.

“Meryl Streep is a well-known Hollywood liberal,” Rubio says. “She’s also a great actress and expert at using cosmetics to achieve the look of the characters she portrays. She played a horse in Secretariat, for crying out loud! Streep used her liberal rage and incredible artistry to make the Black Lives Matter members look like they weren’t even black–– but were white! And she taught them how to act like angry Trump supporters. Ultimately, she turned the angry mob fake their support of The Chosen One hoping to hurt him! But the plot failed when the GOP and its loyal supporters didn’t buy any of it. We still back the big guy!“

The puny Florida Senator is struggling to gain a share of the limelight from legendary Trump ass-kissers Kevin McCarthy, Lindsey Graham, Josh Hawley, Ted Cruz, Matt Gaetz, Ron Johnson, and Jim Jordan vying for their share of lip time on the old man’s plump butt cheeks.

“I think my Black Lives Matter-Meryl Streep conspiracy is a real winner,” Rubio says, striking a proud pose. “Anyone can dish the Antifa angle, and lots of people have, but my theory is as fresh as this morning’s fresh-baked bread. I think Donald Trump will admire me for my undying loyalty and ass kissery. At least I hope so!”

Rubio rushed to the corner, bent over, and threw up in a wastebasket.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) has kicked off, and America had better get ready to feel the love of true Trumpers.

CPAC is known as the Lollapalooza of the lunatic fringe, where rabid Republicans gather like moths to a flame and worship their god, disgraced former President Donald J. Trump, who they believe to be America’s greatest leader, because he said so.

The agenda features a parade of spineless toadies and craven politicians who will be blowing smoke like a locomotive engine up their hero’s ass. The speaker list includes sleazy weasels Sen. Ted Cruz, Sen. Mike Lee, Sen. Josh Hawley, Sen Marco Rubio, Rep. Jim Jordan, Ben Carson, Leader Kevin McCarthy, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Rep. Devin Nunes, Jon Voight, Rep. Matt Gaetz, the son of god, Donald Trump, Jr., and dozens of other soulless cretins who will bow and scrape for their master.

Of course, the main event will be former President Donald J. Trump who has made it clear he has “made the Republican Party my bitch” because he owns their voters.

“Anyone who does not worship me is dead,” Trump told The Lint Screen on a Zoom call from a steam room in the spa of Mar-a-Lago. “I need everyone in the GOP on the same page–– I won the election in a landslide, winning all fifty states, and I was cheated by Biden, who is not the legal president. I am! And what happened on January 6 was a violent charade posed by Antifa and anti-Trump forces posing as my people. It’s disgraceful how the liberal media is trying to pin that on me.”

Trump towels his fat face, turning from orange to red, and continues.

“And there is no such thing as white supremacists, that’s another liberal lie,” he claims. “All I ever wanted to do was make America great again. For white people.”

Trump says he will not tolerate any dissension in his ranks.

“I wrote something that I’ve circulated to my people,” he says. “I call it my commandment– Thou shalt have no other gods before me. It means people must worship only me. Not God, not Jesus, Allah, or any of those crazy gods. Me– Donald J. Trump. I am The Chosen One. No one else. And anyone who doesn’t fall in line had better watch out, because I will crush them like a cockroach.”

There are rumors the CPAC event may include a special appearance of Rush Limbaugh, broadcasting from hell.

“I need to give Rush another Medal of Freedom,” Trump says. “The first one melted, accidentally.”

Enjoy CPAC!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Today’s ‘Florida man’ news story is a doozy.

Florida’s Republican Congressional Representative Matt Gatez told The Lint Screen the insurrection on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol was the direct result of Ted Cruz’s twelve and ten-year-old daughters.

“Those girls are born troublemakers,” the righteous politician claims. “They forced poor Senator Cruz to take an ill-timed Cancun vacation, and now I think they were the ones responsible for the attack on the Capitol building.”

Gaetz is a known sycophant of disgraced former President Donald J. Trump.

“The entire event on January 6 was an obvious false flag operation of Antifa,” Gaetz says. “Of course, the evil Democrats who hate democracy tried to blame it on white supremacists and right wing militias. That’s total B.S. There is no such thing as white supremacists– they are boogie men who only live in the imagination of liberals. I think Democrats create these fantasies because they feel so guilty about stealing the election from Donald Trump, who is without a doubt America’s greatest president.“

The self-important Trumpian bootlick took a deep breath and began trashing Ted Cruz’s daughters.

“I think the rowdy girls are rebelling against their parents,” Gaetz says. “It’s very common. I believe they were influenced and triggered by Nancy Pelosi, and the result was an Antifa insurrection disguised as Trump supporters trying to overthrow the government. That’s a pretty bad thing to do, and I’ve suggested to Ted Cruz he ground his girls for at least a week. Maybe even take away their phones for a couple hours. They’ve got to pay for their crime.”

Gaetz said he is a forgiving man who is happy to forget the insurrection ever happened.

“I think the Democrats keep trying to make a big deal out of what happened on January sixth,” Gaetz declares. “It happened, it’s in the past. There is no need to investigate. Let’s forget about the ancient history and concentrate on the things that really matter– like investigating Hillary’s emails, Hunter’s laptop, and Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi. And for God’s sake, let’s stop this ridiculous worrying about nonexistent ‘white supremacists.’ The idea is preposterous.”

Gaetz apologized for ending the interview saying he had to run to an important Proud Boys meeting.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Wisconsin Republican Sen. Ron Johnson should not be around sharp objects. He could hurt himself.

The unhinged looney spun his ridiculous conspiracy theories yesterday at the first public Senate hearing about the Capitol attack on January 6.

“I’m sick and tired of people blaming supporters of President Trump,” Johnson told The Lint Screen. “I wanted to set the record straight that almost no one in that mob was a genuine Trump supporter.”

Johnson told the hearing audience the entire spectacle was “played for the benefit of the fake news liberal media.” He then launched into his incredible narrative.

“The few Trumpers who were there were peaceful, calm, and collected,” Johnson claimed. “The true Trumpers were reading the Constitution. All the agitators were atheist thugs from Antifa, illegal immigrants from the caravan that invaded America, and hundreds of Hollywood actors.”

Johnson referred to numerous papers scattered in front of him, many marked with crayon drawings.

“I have it on good authority the director Rob Reiner, who is a well-known commie agitator–– Archie Bunker called him out years ago. Reiner was behind the whole horrible hulabaloo. The event was staged with liberal Hollywood actors dressed in MAGA hats and outfits using prop Trump flags and other items to look like they were actual supporters of the president. I heard they had wardrobe, make up people, script people, even craft services for the actors. All the illegal brown people were made-up in white face. It was a major production designed to disgrace our president. I think these kind of leftist shenanigans are outrageous and unAmerican.”

Johnson’s baby blues teared up. He choked back sorrowful rivers.

“The few Trump people there weren’t terrorists. They were respecting the police,” Johnson declared. “For gosh sakes, President Trump has said many times that he is the law and order president! Why would they disobey him? It doesn’t make any sense!”

The Wisconsin cheese-for-brains began pounding the table.

“The worst thing is all the Antifa people dressed like MAGA folks attacking the brave cops and chanting they wanted to kill Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi.” Johnson took a deep breath. “I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Pelosi wasn’t behind the whole affair. Democrats have done everything in their power to disgrace President Trump, who everyone agrees is the greatest leader this country has ever had!“

Johnson believes patriots like himself are the only ones left to save America.

“It’s going to take people like me, Kevin McCarthy, Mike Lee, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Josh Hawley, Jim Jordan, Devin Nunes, and every good Republican who refuses to play politics and only wants what’s best for our nation,” Johnson declared. “We all know that the only thing that will save America is to do God’s will and get Donald J. Trump, The Chosen One, back in office because Joe Biden stole the election.“

Johnson continued babbling his nonsense after his microphone was shut off and was eventually removed by a team of animal trainers (from Hollywood).

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry says he knows his people “like the back of my hand,” as he points to his open palm. “And Texans are tough, they don’t need no handouts from nobody.”

Perry, who ran the Energy Department in the Trump administration (even though he didn’t know what it did), believes too many people have a dependency on utilities.

“Texans are happy to go without rather than relying on the federal government giving them stuff,” Perry says. “We’re makers, not takers. We don’t need luxuries like power and clean water.”

Texas had a catastrophe last week when the state-run power grid failed–– causing clean water issues and a cascade of problems for its 29 million residents.

“Other states are hooked up to a national power grid,” Perry explains. “That’s fine if you don’t have an adventurous spirit, if you like playing it safe. But that attitude ain’t what built the Lone Star State. We don’t need government interference. We like to let the free market rule, so we developed our own power grid. And because we let AOC use some of her newfangled liberal green energy, it ruined our power grid for everyone. Let that be a lesson. You can’t trust Democrats.”

Despite the hardship, Perry believes calamities like a statewide power failure are good for the residents.

“It helps build character,” he says. “I’ll bet some folks figured out how to build their own power grid and they were toasty warm.”

President Joe Biden has declared a major disaster in Texas, freeing federal funds and agencies to address the suffering in the state.

“Biden is trying to ruin Texas,” Perry claims. “He stole the election and now he’s just trying to steal some Texan support. But it won’t work. We’re not going to be taking candy from strangers.”

Perry puts on a cowboy hat and declares the interview over.

“I got a flight to catch,” he says. “I’m going to take advantage of that great rate of $309 a night at the Ritz-Carlton Cancun. That’s a smoking deal!”

And with that, the cowboy rode off into the sunset.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.