Thanks to a sneaky mole, The Lint Screen has obtained a top secret transcript of Friday’s discussion between Team Trump and Team Pelosi inside the White House Situation Room.

Cast:

DT– Donald Trump

MP– Mike Pence

MM– Mitch McConnell

KN– Kirstjen Nielsen

NP– Nancy Pelosi

CS– Chuck Schumer

SCENE OPENS IN THE WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM WITH THE FULL CAST SEATED AT A LONG OBLONG TABLE. DT SITS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE ON A PLUSH THRONE WEARING A GOLD JEWEL-ENCRUSTED CROWN. ALL OTHER CAST MEMBERS ARE SITTING ON MILK CRATES. MP HAS A SPIKED LEASH AROUND HIS NECK, DT HOLDS THE END OF THE LEASH IN HIS PUDGY, TINY HAND.

DT: I want my wall. Give me my wall!

NP: No. There’s no money budgeted for your stupid wall. Not one penny.

TRUMP TURNS TO AN ARMED SOLDIER STANDING GUARD AT THE DOOR.

DT: Kill her!

CS: Mr. President, you can’t do that. You would be charged with murder and murder is a serious crime.

DT: So what? I’ll pardon myself. Kill her!

NP: Mr. President, I advised my staff that if I don’t return, they should immediately alert the media. It will be bad press for you.

DT: Then give me my wall money. I need my big, beautiful concrete wall.

NP: Nope.

MM: Please, Nancy, give the president what he wants. It will make life easier for everyone. He’s been a very good boy recently.

NP: No, Mitch. No wall. None.

CS: Nancy, please don’t get Mitch angry, he has a lot of power and he could make trouble for us.

NP: Shut your pie hole, Chuck, you wimp. I got this. No wall for you, Mr. President! No wall!

KN: But we need the wall. According to my figures, one out of two Americans is illegal, and three-quarters of them are deadly terrorists.

DT: Terrorists are bad, Nancy! Very bad people.

NP: I’m not buying your numbers, Kirstjen. They sound like total bullshit. And why do you spell your name that stupid way?

KN: It’s distinctive, Nancy. I even dot the ‘i’ with a heart! Listen, if we don’t have a wall, all Americans will be killed by illegal terrorists. And their blood will be on your hands. Over 100,000 innocent Americans are killed daily by terrorists, according to the paper in my hand from Fox News.

NP: Those numbers sound fake.

DT: If I don’t get my wall, I will kill a Guatemalan child every hour, I swear I will. I’m just crazy enough to do it!

NP: You’re bluffing.

DT: I’ll also kill cute puppies.

MP:

DT: What’s that, Mike? Did you say something? Did you?!

MP:

DT: That’s what I thought you said.

MM: Mr. President, you can’t kill kids and puppies, it’ll ruin your poll numbers. The base loves puppies.

DT: No, Mitch. Hannity says the base loves my tough guy routine.

NP: Mr. President, since we’ve been here, the Democratic Party controlled Congress has issued 204 subpoenas into the Trump organization. If you let us out, we can persuade those wild Democrats to stand down.

DT: Okay, Nancy, you win this round, but I want my wall. You go back and tell Congress to give me $50 million for a wall.

CS: I thought it was five million, Mr. President.

DT: We have some Trump Company management fees that have accrued because of the delay in funding.

NP: Sorry, Donnie. No wall for you. Suffer.

DT: Give me my wall money!

NP: Get it from Mexico, like you promised.

NANCY RISES FROM THE TABLE. SHE GRABS SCHUMER BY THE SHIRT AND DRAGS HIM BEHIND HER AS SHE MUSCLES PAST THE DOOR GUARD. SHE QUICKLY DISARMS HIM, SNAPPING THE WEAPON IN TWO AND TOSSING IT ON THE GROUND. NP AND CS EXIT. TRUMP LOOKS AT HIS COWERING COMPANIONS.

DT: You guys are worthless. A disaster. A disgrace. I swear I have to do everything! Mike, get me Rush on the phone. I need to hear what I’m supposed to do next.

CURTAIN DROPS