In a bold political move, nonhuman presidential candidate, Bag o’ Fritos, has promised to end “the nanny state of government forcing a dependency on paper.”
Hank Wentrom, the popular salty snack’s campaign spokesman, delivered a prepared statement to members of the press in which Fritos proclaimed, “Too many humans have become slaves to the almighty dollar. It drives humans to distraction. It is a perfect example of the government’s nanny state, forcing itself and its scraps of paper with its name on them into all transactions of human interaction. My first order as president will be to have a big bonfire and burn all U.S. currency. This symbol of liberation will illuminate our freedom from the tyranny of governmental monetary dependency!”
When asked how the economy would operate without a monetary system, Wentrom stormed off the stage in what some described as “a huff” and others as “an angry tizzy.”
You seem to be an insider.
Please tell Mr. Wentrom (or even Bag o’ Fritos if you’re that close to the top) that I’ll happily spread their righteous message about humans being slaves to the almighty dollar for the price of ten thousand almighty dollars per day, plus per diem out-of-pocket expenses not to exceed five thousand almighty dollars.
Here’s how I’d get the word out.
1.) Buy a new Porsche.
2.) Have the almighty dollar message shrink-wrapped around the exterior of the Porsche.
3.) Drive to multiple destinations around the country, particularly five-star resorts where the almighty dollar holds sway.
4.) Lavishly entertain the guests at these resorts in an attempt to make converts of them, possibly persuading them to make Super PAC donations which, because I’m not the least bit greedy, I’d split 50/50.
5.) During my travels around the country, I’d also:
a.) tip double the size of the check at bars, restaurants and diners I visit,
b.) buy Cuban cigars for each and every 99 percenter I encounter,
c.) light the cigars with one hundred dollar bills,
d.) distribute blocks of Apple, Google and Facebook stock (ten shares per person?),
e.) meet and greet one percenters at their yacht and country clubs,
f.) buy escort services for members of the Secret Service,
g.) open a line of credit at Tiffany & Co. for Callista Gingrich because it looks like her husband is fresh out of disposable income,
h.) buy Ann Romney a five-year old used Chevy and get her a cashier’s job at Walmart and
i.) get John Edwards a buzzcut so his hair doesn’t look so damn perfect in court.
It’s all well and good to rail against something, in this case the almighty dollar, but Bag o’ Fritos and his spokesman, Mr. Wentrom, need a comprehensive, actionable plan, which I believe I’ve presented here.
I will relay your plan to Fritos & Co. It sounds quite comprehensive and a forceful way to begin flushing dollars out of the system and into your pockets.
Some might say that you are attempting to redistribute wealth– which is socialism or something, but those who would say such a thing are just talkers. Haters, really. Commies, probably.
I think your ingenius plan is simply a wonderful way to grow the 1% to become the 1.000001%.
Bully for you!
Don’t knock buying a Porsche.
I believe Curvin wants to goose the economy by buying a Porsche.
Your job is safe, Gary. Very safe.