As liberal snowflakes melt in hysteria with raging paranoia about the dangers of climate change, President Trump decided to calm their fears by appointing a
“I’ve always said climate change is a Chinese hoax,” Trump told The Lint Screen, “now we’ll see if an independent expert agrees. I’ve known Chet Beaburn a long time. He used to work on one of my golf courses so he is very familiar with the outdoors. He’s a good man. A tremendous thinker. He’s not some snobby scientist putting on airs. Chet has common sense and that’s all you need to see climate change is a Chinese hoax designed to frighten us.”
“The president is absolutely right,” Chet Beaburn a self-described “science enthusiast” echoed. “There is no such thing as climate change. There have been snowstorms all winter! That proves it!”
When presented with statistics showing average temperatures have been steadily
“Don’t look at graphs, look out the window! It snowed in Minnesota yesterday for the love of God, that proves there’s no climate change!”
When asked about melting icebergs and rising water levels,
“Ice melts,”
“Most people don’t know this,” the president said smugly, “but ice is made from water.”
“Really, mister president?”
Beaburn also believes the Earth is flat. “Hells bells,” he said pointing at the horizon, “I don’t see no round Earth–– it’s flat as a pancake.”
When asked about photographs from outer space clearly depicting the Earth as a blue marble in our galaxy, Beaburn was again not buying it.
“Man never went to the moon let alone walked on it.”
“Many people say the moon is made of cheese,” our president said.
“I’ve heard that, too, mister president,”
“So that’s what happened,” President Trump said. “I think Chet will do a great job for America. He has a very big brain and he’ll prove climate change is fake news.”
“I’ll do my best, sir,”
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