Robert Mueller has finally ended his charade of a witch hunt. He has declared President Trump innocent of Russian collusion and obstruction of justice. And now the administration is taking corrective action to ensure this never happens again.
“The president wants to send a message,” Sarah Sanders told The Lint Screen. “All those who spoke against the president will pay for their treasonous claims against our leader! This is the only way to unite the country.”
Read Between The Lines
Sanders claims the Mueller report not only exonerates the president of any wrongdoing, but she also says what’s between the lines of Attorney General Barr’s memo is really important.
“Obviously, Mueller thinks Donald J. Trump is our greatest president ever. A true patriot who loves his country, God the Father, Baby Jesus, Adolescent Jesus, Adult Jesus, and The Holy Ghost. He is a loyal and loving husband. An honorable man who only speaks the truth,” Sanders said with tear-filled peepers. She collected herself and continued.
The Enemy’s List–– They Will Pay
“Mueller probably also wants the president to extract his special brand of justice against naysayers and the very bad traitors to our country. And that is exactly what President Trump will do. It’s clear the only way to guarantee a free press is to squash those who are not on Team Trump.“
So the military is deploying troops to apprehend treasonous America-haters. These include Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, Rachel Maddow, Jerrold Nadler, Joe Scarborough, John Brennan, Mika Brzezinski, Chuck Schumer, Chris Matthews, Chris Hayes, and 1,288 other enemies of the state. They will be executed by firing squads, or “INSTANT JUSTICE ENFORCERS” as they have been termed by The White House.
“These traitors to America can expect no mercy,” Sanders said, thumping her right fist into her left palm. “It’s like the Bible says, ‘an eye for an eye and turn the other cheek so I might slash it with a razor and watch you bleed out like the evil swine you are–– for vengeance is mine, punk bitch, sayeth the Lord.'”
Again, the press secretary got misty-eyed. “I love the Good Book. It’s like an instruction manual for doling out punishment.”
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