Jim Jordan’s War Journal: Portrait Of A Patriot

The Lint Screen has secured the private journal of Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan who led a band of fearless patriots in yesterday’s storming of a SCIF (sensitive compartmented information facility) in the Capitol.

Weds., 10/23/19

A sleepless night. Met yesterday with Fearless Leader in The White House. The Chief was upset and angry. Said no one was fighting for him. Said lawless democrats are trying to lynch him. Very unfair. Wants action, a show of support from his troops.

I told him I would lead the cause with a band of bloodthirsty patriots. We would storm the SCIF where rebel Adam Schiff and his treasonous tribe were having secret meetings–– torturing witnesses to get false statements against Our President. I told the Skipper not to worry–– we had his back. And we would WIN!

My impassioned speech cheered his spirits. He smiled. I left.

Last night I tossed and turned. Was I up for this dangerous mission? In the middle of the night, I called my troops. “Bring your smartphones, fully charged, cameras at the ready–– we’re going in at 0955 hours.” I steeled my resolve and told them the truth: “Some of you might not make it out alive. Be sure your affairs are in order.”

It’s hard to be a leader, knowing you’re sending troops into harm’s way, but I believe 100% honesty is the only way to earn their respect. Candy coating bad news leads to decay.

Early this morning I tried choking down a bowl of oatmeal. I couldn’t. My heart was in my throat, beating like Buddy Rich on goofballs. Am I up for this war?

Arriving at the Capitol, my troops assemble. I review them. I straighten ties, “Full Windsors, men!”, brush lint off suit jackets, and demand they groom their hair to perfection. “The fake news media will be there,” I said. “I want everyone looking their best.”

I inspect their weapons. One soldier (Steve Scalise) did not have his cellphone battery at 100% charge. “For God’s sake, man,” I barked, “get that weapon fully loaded. I’m not sending anyone into battle without a full metal jacket. It’d be a suicide mission!”

He scattered to an electrical outlet. What was he thinking coming to battle unprepared? I can’t have his blood on my hands!

0955 hours. We begin our attack–– descending the stairs of the Capitol building. Into the bowels of secrecy. Satan Schiff’s lair.

“Be careful, men!” I shout. “I don’t want anyone slipping and breaking their neck.” I realize I have a couple of women in my army. Why do women have to always try and do men’s work? Can’t they be happy having babies, cooking for their men, and keeping house?

“You girls mind your steps, too,” I say. “I don’t want you falling off your high heels and causing us to fall like dominoes down the steps!”

I’m tired of always being politically correct. But, that’s today’s army.

We make it down the stairs. No casualties. Thank God! We assemble on the ground floor.

“Be brave, everyone,” I tell my troops. “Steel your resolve. Remember what we are fighting for–– the survival of Donald J. Trump, America’s greatest leader ever. Know that each of you is a true patriot. Should you fall in battle, you will always be remembered as that. Now, I’ll give you a few moments to say a prayer, and then it’s go-time. May God have mercy on us and grant us victory in our just cause.”

We all bowed our heads knowing our words were going straight through the Pearly Gates and into God’s ears. We were doing His work for we were fighting for The Chosen One He sent us to save the world!

My hands were shaking. I took a deep breath and gave myself a silent pep talk.

“All right, troops!” I shouted. “Weapons at the ready. Charge!”

The troops raised their smartphones, cameras ready for battle. We marched forward. At the doors of the SCIF, we encountered security forces.

“Let us in! Let us in! Let us in!” we chanted as we stormed the fort. The fighting was intense, I feared some troops might lose their voices.

Finally, after intense shouting and shoving, we penetrated the perimeter. VICTORY! We began attacking, filming the secret democrat meeting. The battle raged on. I noticed Mark Meadows, Louie Gohmert, Matt Gaetz, and others fighting bravely. With honor, valor, commitment. My heart swelled with pride. I had trained them well.

After hours of fierce fighting the evil democrat forces, we began losing our strength. We were peckish. Hungry. Ravished.

I lept into action! Using my smartphone as a phone (yes, it CAN be done!), I ordered pizza for the troops.

“Listen up, you minimum wage serf,” I barked into my phone at the kid taking my order. “Step on it, you snot-nosed punk! We need those pizzas yesterday! Our brave patriots are fighting for your freedom!!!”

The pizzas were delivered. Our troops attacked the pies with the same vigor and intensity they had shown in battle. Nourished, we went back to war. An army travels on its belly and a bellyful of pepperoni, sausage and onion pizza is hard to beat.

After almost a five-hour siege, I called a retreat. We would go to the microphones and address the nation.

Fearless Leader saw us on TV. He called me and complimented us for fighting on his behalf. He said he appreciated my bravery and leadership.

“Thank you, sir,” I said, my eyes filling with tears of pride and joy. “We will do anything to support and defend your honor. Your word is gospel, and your moral compass set to true north. We will always defend you and preach your glories.”

He hung up. I collapsed, exhausted. My day done. I wonder what hellfire the democrats might deliver us tomorrow.