California produces a lot of nuts, but none as hard as Rep. Devin Nunes (R). This sucker won’t crack no matter how hard the pressure gets!

Nunes dropped by The Lint Screen offices to discuss the recent opening of the impeachment inquiry into President Donald J. Trump and his defense strategy to protect his master.

“The liberals are clutching at straws,” Nunes says as he lights a Virginia Slim Menthol. “They have been trying to get Trump from day one when they absconding half of his inaugural crowd. Whisked Trump fans away in unmarked buses, then snapped pictures to make it look like he had a much smaller crowd than Obama. They’re cheaters, but the president caught them!”

Nunes begins hotboxing his cigarette as he continues to rant. 

“Now they’re falsely claiming the president did something wrong in his call to Ukraine. Didn’t they hear him say the call was perfect? Why would he lie? He never lies. It was a perfect call. Case closed. Look, everyone knows Joe and Hunter Biden have a ton of dirt on them. Piles of dead bodies, child porn, missing pets, sex trafficking, beating orphans, strangling old ladies for their social security checks, selling out of date cough syrups–– all kinds of bad stuff. The president’s trying to clean up corruption. We should be thanking him for Pete’s sake.”

The pudgy congressman snuffs out his smoke and lights another. 

“Ukraine has a server with all of Hillary’s emails, including how she rigged the popular vote in 2016 to get 5,000,000 illegals registered and voting for her. The emails detail her devious Benghazi plan to kill Americans, and how if elected she was going to name herself dictator and enslave Americans and have them remove all the Jesuses from all the crosses in America–– even on necklaces! Trump wanted to get that server and bring Hillary to justice.”

Nunes begins hyperventilating. He huffs into a paper bag, collects himself, and lights another Slim.

“We are going to expose the Democrats for the charlatans they are. Obama was a Kenyon, Biden is part of a notorious crime family, Hillary is pure evil, and Adam Schiff is Satan in a suit. Trump is the chosen one and must be protected at all costs. Otherwise, we will lose the rule of law and decency in our country. God wouldn’t have sent Trump if He didn’t have a mission for our president to fulfill.”

Nunes drops to his knees and praises Trump.

“I’ll continue showing the world the GOP stands for integrity, truth, and justice,” he says as he begins hacking up dark mucus. ‘Where’d I put my smokes?” he asks.