Convicted felon/sex assaulter and twice impeached disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump must have access to a time machine. The 78-year-old man is convinced his scheduled September 10^th ABC debate with Democratic Presidential Nominee Kamala Harris has already happened. 

“My performance was amazing,” humble Trump told The Lint Screen. “I beat her like a dog. No one’s ever seen anything like it. I smashed her worse than Crooked Joe Biden or Barack Hussein Obama when I debated them. Even worse than when I beat Abra-ham Sandwich Lincoln. Historians are saying I am the greatest debater ever. They also say I was the greatest president in history, without a doubt. Everyone says so.”

Trump believes the Trump/Harris debate was a historic television event.

“They’ve never seen ratings like mine,” Trump says. “I’ve heard six, maybe seven billion people watched me crush Kama-Lama-Ding Dong. And Elon…Elon Musk, he’s a great friend of mine. The guy loves me… Elon put the debate up on his satellites––he has many, many satellites up in the sky, so many satellites––and no one knows how many planets and aliens watched it. But one thing’s for sure, they won’t be invading Earth, not with Trump back in office. I’ll tell you that!”

The cantankerous old man is convinced his imaginary debate performance may have saved the world.

“Now everyone in the universe knows not to mess with Trump,” he declares. “I’m not only making America safe again but I’m also protecting the planet. It’s unbelievable how incredible I am.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.