Trump publishes his official “special favors” bribery rate card

“If you’ve got a conviction, or someone you know is locked up, a million bucks buys you an instant presidential pardon,” Trump says. “If you were a vocal Trump supporter in the past, I’ll even give you a 0.25% discount. And if you’re frequently getting busted, Trump offers a Frequent Pardoners Club– you’ll earn one free pardon after purchasing your first ten.”

Johnson Masturbated In Celebration of Passing Trump’s “One Big Beautiful Bill”

“Yes, it was true,” Mike Johnson confesses. “I went to the website christianhotties.com and pleasured myself.” The bespeckled man removes his glasses and wipes tears from his eyes. “I succumbed to Satan’s temptation. I was so elated that I had shepherded President Trump’s One Big Beautiful Bill through the House of Representatives’ approval process that I was compelled to let off a little steam. And tragically, I subjected millions of potential lives to instant death.” He breaks down sobbing. “I killed a future generation of little Mike Johnsons. Imagine what they could have done for White Christian Nationalism.”

“Kids don’t need 6,000 toys– they’ll love American-made energy!” Santa says

Donald J. Trump, who was born into fabulous wealth, thinks American children are “spoiled rotten.” His tariff war will have casualties: fewer gifts under the Christmas tree. “Kids have 8,000 dolls,” the criminal grinch grifter tells The Lint Screen, “and then they take one of their 50,000 pencils and write Christmas wish lists for even … Read more

World Leaders Consult A Trump Behavioral Specialist For Relationship Advice

On his reality TV show The Apprentice, Donald Trump was cast as a brilliant businessman despite a legacy of failed businesses, bankruptcies, and a deadbeat reputation for paying his bills. However, as President, Trump acts like a global economic mastermind. “Everyone’s been ripping America off,” con man Trump says. So the mad king instituted tariffs … Read more