PD Scullin

The Trump administration’s war on D.E.I. is now aimed at the National Football League Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. “It’s high time we eliminate woke politics from sports,” says Stephen Miller, henchman weasel for Trump. “We have allowed D.E.I. to rule our professional teams for too long, and we’re taking action to re-instate fairness … Read more

Convicted felon and President Donald Trump sees monsters in every shadow, and he never admits a mistake because he wears a hat that declares, “TRUMP WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.” Commander Crybaby accepts no responsibility for the skyrocketing price of eggs, a problem he assured voters he would fix on day one of his presidency. “It’s … Read more

“If Zelensky doesn’t apologize quickly, on worldwide TV, we will have to nuke what’s left of his country,” Vance said. “He never should have picked on Russia in the first place, and America has always stood up to bullies like Zelensky. We must protect our trusted allies like President Putin. He believes in our country so much that he bought a bunch of President Trump’s meme coins, $TRUMP. A huge amount. That’s what a true ally does–he supports his friend. It’s your move, Zelensky. Beg forgiveness and buy a stash of $TRUMP. Don’t make us mushroom cloud you.”

“Women naturally love me,” he says, tipping his black MAGA cap. “I have a fantastic personality, ooze charisma, got more money than God, fashion model looks, and I’m a lot of fun to be around. Like President Trump, I firmly believe in Christian family values. One day, I even hope to meet some of my children. At least the kids who will talk to me.”

Felon President Donald Trump is outraged by “the horrible, illegal land grab Zelensky made” and wants justice. “Zelensky’s a thief,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Putin was living peacefully in Russia, a big, beautiful country, and Zelensky stole a large chunk of Russia and called it his own. No one’s ever seen such an aggressive … Read more

“Lil X is a wild child,” Musk says. “I couldn’t find a sitter on short notice. Plus, they’re so expensive––some want like twenty, twenty-two bucks an hour! Who can afford that?! So, I decided to bring the kid with me. It was all very innocent and kind of fun.”