PD Scullin

Although President Trump was convicted of 34 felonies for financial mismanagement, the sweaty golf cheat wants Americans to be patient with his “brilliant tariff strategy” that has cratered the stock market 10% since he took office, and lost $11 trillion in value. “I inherited the worst economy ever,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Biden had … Read more

You would think America’s traditional arch-enemy would be tight-lipped about the actions of our President, but that is not the case. After Felonious Trump unveiled his drastic “Independence Day” Tariff Plan, Russian President Vladimir Putin was effusive in his praise. “Trump is an economic mastermind,” Putin tells The Lint Screen. “He will cripple the economy … Read more

Pete Hegseth is sick and tired of “the outrageous accusations” that he shared classified attack plans on Houthi rebels in Yemen on Signal, an unsecured encrypted app. “I’m being viciously attacked for nothing,” the ex-Fox anchor and now Sec. of Defense tells The Lint Screen. “Everyone knows that Signal is safe, and the information I … Read more

The Trump administration’s war on D.E.I. is now aimed at the National Football League Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. “It’s high time we eliminate woke politics from sports,” says Stephen Miller, henchman weasel for Trump. “We have allowed D.E.I. to rule our professional teams for too long, and we’re taking action to re-instate fairness … Read more

Convicted felon and President Donald Trump sees monsters in every shadow, and he never admits a mistake because he wears a hat that declares, “TRUMP WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.” Commander Crybaby accepts no responsibility for the skyrocketing price of eggs, a problem he assured voters he would fix on day one of his presidency. “It’s … Read more

“If Zelensky doesn’t apologize quickly, on worldwide TV, we will have to nuke what’s left of his country,” Vance said. “He never should have picked on Russia in the first place, and America has always stood up to bullies like Zelensky. We must protect our trusted allies like President Putin. He believes in our country so much that he bought a bunch of President Trump’s meme coins, $TRUMP. A huge amount. That’s what a true ally does–he supports his friend. It’s your move, Zelensky. Beg forgiveness and buy a stash of $TRUMP. Don’t make us mushroom cloud you.”