The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Dude Displaces Ringo

    Ringo Starr has been ‘Best-ed’ out of The Beatles.

    Ringo (real name “Rin Go Starkey”) replaced Pete Best as drummer of The Beatles in 1962, and for the next eight years was the backbeat of the most famous rock band in history.

    On September 9, the popular video game Rock Band introduced a version for songs of The Beatles. It was an instant bestseller.

    Ringo gets das boot by Jerry Mungerton. Rim shot, please.
    Ringo gets das boot by Jerry Mungerton. Rim shot, please.
    On October 6, a 17-year old Atlantan named Jerry Mungerton scored a perfect 100% score drumming on six straight songs, and the avatars of John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison were so impressed, they fired the avatar of Ringo Starr and replaced him with young Mr. Mungerton.

    “It was awesome,” said an ecstatic Mungerton, “I mean I miss my human mom, dad, sis and girlfriend a lot– but being in The Beatles is worth it. Yeah, I love those flesh people and everything, but I mean come on, we’re talking The Beatles here!”

    A dispondent Ringo avatar guzzled his third 40 of Olde English 800 and was somberly reflective. “It was a good run while it lasted,” he said, “I’ll miss me mates, but I guess I’m no Jerry Mungerton so it’s understandable they’ve moved on without me.”

    With that, the ex-drummer guzzled his high octane 40 and hurled the empty bottle against a brick wall, and broke down sobbing. “Me life’s a bloody shambles,” he cried.

    Meanwhile, somewhere a wolf howled, a tumbleweed tumbled and a kitten yawned.

  • Nudists No More

    I recently came across this shocking photo and want to alert fellow humans of the impending danger sure to destroy our fragile society.

    Their privates will be public no more. The revolution's begun and we are the targets!
    Their privates will be public no more. The revolution’s begun!
    Not to sound alarmist, but obviously monkeys want our clothes and are willing to take extreme measures to get them– even if it means attacking and killing us in their cold-blooded sadistic way.

    Are they tired of being a few rungs down on the evolutionary ladder? Perhaps. Do they resent our putting their relatives behind bars and on display in zoos? Probably. Do they want revenge for Tim Burton’s weak remake of “Planet of The Apes”? Certainly. Whatever their reasons, these monkeys mean business– DEADLY MONKEY BUSINESS!!!

    To avert catastrophe, I suggest we take preemptive action and become nudists. Gather your clothes, take them to the nearest zoo and present them to our soon-to-be monkey masters. If dressed, it will be more difficult for them to fling poo at us, and we will have won the war.

    I’m stripping now– who’s with me? Anybody? Hello…

  • Inaccuracy Found On Internet!

    The internet was created over 20 years ago, providing a canvas for millions of websites and billions of pages. In its history, there was one thing you could always count on with 100% certainty– absolute truth and accuracy.

    That may no longer be the case!

    Sir Reginald Highphatt, a British scientist, recently made a startling discovery: a fact that was in fact not a fact. “I was chagrined,” said the esteemed learned man, “I was simply astounded and, dare I say, flabbergasted to discover an inaccuracy.”

    What was the falsehood? An alleged playlist from Sir Winston Churchill’s iPod.

    Was he really into Wham, Steppenwolf and Jay-Z?
    Was he really into Wham, Steppenwolf and Jay-Z?
    “When I first encountered this, I thought it seemed rather suspect, after all, Churchill was hardly a music lover. He once attended an orchestra performance and had all its members slaughtered to, I quote, ‘stop the infernal caterwonking!’ But what really titillated my investigatory senses was the first three choices on the Prime Minister’s alleged playlist: ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’ by Wham, ‘The Pusher’ by Steppenwolf and ‘Run This Town’ by Jay-Z. I had a hard time believing Churchill could be into Steppenwolf, and especially not ‘The Pusher’— ‘Magic Carpet Ride’, maybe, but the extended play of ‘The Pusher’ is for the most ardent of fans only.”

    And so, Sir Highphatt began some extensive research and discovered a few startling things:
    1. Churchill died before the invention of the iPod
    2. See above
    3. Ditto

    “As much as it pains me to say,” the downcast scientist said, “I’m afraid we will no longer have 100% assurance that everything you read on the internet is the God’s honest truth and beyond reproach. Pity, that. I use it as research tool for all my papers and books.”

    Be aware: some things on the internet may not be true!
    Yipes!

  • Gadhafi Disses Ahmadinejad

    Outspoken Libyan discloses love of sloppy joes!
    Outspoken Libyan discloses love of sloppy joes!
    In a stunning 96 minute speech to the U.N. General Assembly, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi criticized Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for “having a name that looks like a bad Scrabble tray.”

    He also disclosed that the Iranian leader’s complex name makes it impossible for him to stay on Gadhafi’s Christmas card list. “Look,” said an exasperated Gadhafi, “I get headaches trying to think about spelling that name. Mahmoud, give me a break here? Would it kill you to change your name to ‘Chip Clark’ or something a bit easier to spell? C’mon, dude, cut me some slack here!”

    A visibly upset Ahmadinejad slyly rubbed his face, popping the speaker ‘the bird.’

    Gadhafi also made the following startling announcements: “My favorite color is blue, but it hasn’t always been. I used to be all about red, but now red just seems like it’s trying too hard. No more. I’m chill. Now I am blue!”

    “My favorite Beatle was George. I know, I know, an unexpected choice, but Paul and John seemed so played out, you know. And I mean, come on, who could pick Ringo? To tell the truth, though, I prefer the Stones.”

    “I like a good sloppy joe, I do. Seriously– on a kaiser roll with some chips and a dill pickle spear on the side, that is a great lunch to me. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.”

    “Betty or Veronica? I go Veronica. Ah, but Ginger or Mary Ann? I go Ginger all day long. Pretty interesting, huh?”

    And so it went for 96 full minutes…

  • The Lost (& Found) Symbol

    Dan Brown’s blockbuster new book The Lost Symbol was recently released and the human race can’t stop its collective heart from racing like a thoroughbred on a greased track with wind machines at its back! Here’s my early review.

    The Book That's Got The World (And Those Kooky Masons) Reading
    The Book That’s Got The World (And Those Kooky Masons) Reading
    This time around, hero Tom Hanks (played in the book by Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon) is in Washington, D.C. trying to unravel all sorts of ominous shenanigans, probably involving ancient Masonic stuff like secret handshakes, bare-ass paddling, the art on U.S. currency with eyeballs over pyramids and what-have-you, and grown men whispering to each other in scotch and cigar breath… that sort of thing.

    It’s all some sort of plot that probably leads to a passel of no goodniks. Not unlike modern day tea baggers running amok searching for monsters in every shadow and shouting paranoid stuff.

    SPOILER ALERT: Langdon probably solves the mystery and lives!

    2nd SPOILER ALERT: His attractive female sidekick will probably fall for him along the way.

    3rd SPOILER ALERT: There’s probably no talking dragon, dancing elk, evil Pope, dude with a mullet smoking a hookah or reference to Roberto Clemente’s podiatrist.

    The Lost Symbol is probably a taut thriller that I’ll probably read some day, just so I can go to the movie version of it and be majorly disappointed.

    Thanks, Opie Cunningham. Thanks a lot.

  • Kanye Beyoncés Back!

    Last week, Kanye West caused a stir at the MTV Music Video Awards when he interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech to declare, “Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time.” This week he did it again, interrupting every single acceptance speech at The 61st Primetime Emmys with his energized pleas for recognition of Beyoncé’s video.

    Kanye worked the refs hard at The Emmys
    Kanye worked the refs hard at The Emmys
    Some of the various outbursts included tackling Alec Baldwin as he accepted his Emmy for 30 Rock, grabbing the mike and screaming, “30 Rock’s funny, no lie, but I’m tellin y’all, Beyoncé’s got one of the best videos ever!”

    A startled Jon Stewart was smacked in the head by the Emmy he’d won as Kanye shouted, “You people aren’t hearing what I’m talking about here– got to check out Beyoncé’s video. It’s the full package, yo!”

    Kristin Chenoweth, who won an Emmy for best supporting actress in a comedy series for Pushing Daisies was pushed aside by Kanye as he grabbed her Emmy and screamed, “We all gotta give every award in the land to Beyoncé for that killer video she made! You feel me, people?”

    And so it went the entire evening as every Emmy Award recipient was knocked over, shoved aside or pushed off stage by Kanye as he made his impassioned pleas that included: “You don’t deserve this award. Beyoncé made that awesome video, man, she deserves this!”
    “We should all sell our worldly possessions and give it all to Beyoncé. She made that video! All hail Beyoncé!”
    “Why you getting this award, punk? You ain’t Beyoncé! She made the greatest video of all time– get outta here!”

    By the end of the ceremony, host Neil Patrick Harris was brushed aside by an exhausted Kanye as he finally collapsed with dozens of tranquilizer darts and taser electrodes protruding from his body. In a last gasp he said, “Y’all got to give it up for Beyoncé, I mean come on, man– she made that amazing videoooo…”

    As usual, it was a very long evening with the Emmy Awards.