“All these Capitol cops came to the Congressional Select Committee hearings boohooing,” McCarthy says. “And it was a great sham. Oscar-worthy performances for the cameras. Why are they doing that? It’s obvious to me–– they’re Antifa.”
The Trump ass-kisser is fond of fascism and seems to see Antifa everywhere.
The Californian sack of shit shakes his head. “It’s a disgrace what those Antifa Capitol cops are doing. They’re trying to destroy law and order in this country. And when our god Donald Trump gets back in the Oval Office, there will be hell to pay. And maybe he’ll like me!”
With that, McCarthy goose steps out of The Lint Screen offices.
“The Ohio Hurricane” is benched by mean old Nancy Pelosi.
Rep. Jim Jordan (OH) has seen many things in his life, like Ohio State wrestlers manhandled by a pervert team doc. Still, Jordan says he’s never seen anything as outrageous as House Leader Nancy Pelosi (CA).
“Pelosi is running scared,” Jordan gushes to The Lint Screen. “She and the liberals are petrified patriots like me are going to expose the fraud of their investigation into the heroic activities of January 6.”
“Pelosi was hiding hundreds of sacks of Trump ballots in the Capitol basement,” Jordan claims. “They knew Donald Trump won the 2020 election in a landslide, and they were afraid I would expose their cover-up to the world. Trump supporters had to beat the hell out of cops, destroy private property, smear crap on walls, and try to hang Mike Pence and kill politicians. What else could they do?”
The House Leader rejected Jordan and Rep. Kevin Banks (IN), two of Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy’s nominees for the upcoming Select Committee investigating the Capitol invasion and coup attempt on January 6. In a powerful statement of “Oh, yeah?! I’m taking my balls and going home!!!” McCarthy withdrew all the house Republicans he nominated to participate.
“Pelosi is terrified of me because I’m a justice warrior,” brags the blowhard from the Buckeye State. “She knows I could expose the many Democrats scandals over the years: the fake moon landing, the Earth being round, faking the deaths of Hitler, Elvis, and JFK, COVID-19 being made up and forcing people to surrender their freedoms, Dr. Fauci is actually George Soros wearing a mask, the COVID vaccine is a potion for mind control, and Biden is an alien from outer space determined to impregnate our daughters and force them to give up their babies so Democrats can eat. They love eating babies. Nancy knows I’ll blow the lid off the whole kit and caboodle!”
“Nancy and her desperados are looking to rewrite history,” Jordan says. “They want to make things like slavery, voter suppression, and insurrections look bad. But as long as I’m around, I’m going to fight the dirty lowlifes tooth and nail. Because when Jim Jordan sees something wrong, he takes action!”
Jordan pauses. “Except for sexual tomfoolery in Ohio State locker rooms.”
“Joe Biden is nuts,” says Rep. Jim Jordan (OH). “Now he says he wants to send armed COVID vaccine squads door-to-door and hold down helpless American citizens while they’re injected with a ‘Fauci Ouchie’ concoction of God only knows what! Lots of people think it’s some black magic juice drug funded by George Soros that turns people into Bible-burning democracy-hating socialists. I’m just an ex-wrasslin’ coach who kept quiet about a pervert doctor pawing the private parts of young OSU men, but even I know that what Biden’s doing ain’t right.”
“Biden is killing Americans with his radical shots,” claims lunatic Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (GA). “I heard he has his goon squads shoot people in the arm with a deadly needle, then shoot them in the head if they don’t promise to vote for Democrats in elections. He’s also got some sort of Jewish laser beam microwave digital thingamajig that can mess up your TV reception and baby-making equipment. Joe needs to be kicked out of Washington before he makes us a third-world nation like Denmark.”
“Whatever happened to freedom?” asked Sen. Marsh Blackburn (TN). “If I don’t want my kids to get vaccinated, I should have the right not to get them poked with a bunch of needles. And I’m not just talking about this new fantasy vaccination, because I agree with President Trump that COVID is just a hoax. But I also don’t like vaccines for a bunch of other phony diseases like polio, Hepatitis B, diphtheria, measles, mumps, rubella, chickenpox, and well, you get the idea. These are all cockamamie dangers our children supposedly face. Well, what if they’re like their parents and don’t believe in them? What about their rights? What about their freedoms? I say no to all vaccines and no to you, Dictator Joe Biden! Tennessee stands for freedom! If our kids die, they die free! It just means God wants to hug ’em sooner.”
“I don’t know what’s in that vaccine, but I think it’s dangerous as all get out. It makes people believe the Capitol invasion on January 6 was a bad thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. We saw was democracy in action on January 6. Patriots were standing up for their rights to kill politicians they disagree with, smear poo on the walls, beat the hell out of cops, destroy property, and hang the vice president for disobeying his master, our savior put here by God Himself. If that ain’t American, then what the hell is? For Pete’s sake, the Capitol is called the people’s house, and the people were coming home to right the wrong of election results they didn’t like. That there is what I call democracy in action!”
The vivacious blonde was very close to her father.
“We had a pretty special thing for a long time,” she confesses. “Daddy always complimented me–– even back when I was in diapers. He’d say, ‘No one fills a Pampers like you, babe.’ Then, he’d pat my butt, wink, and laugh. As I grew up, he showered me with jewels, designer shoes, the latest fashions–- whatever I wanted. And of course, he gave me a great job in the family business. I mean, if he had those dolts Don Jr. and Eric on the payroll, he’d better hire me! We all had lots of perks, tax dodges, money under the table. My father was always my sugar daddy.”
“Daddy took me to first little princess dance,” she says, “and every school social function, including my prom. We went on a lot of romantic dates. Most people thought it was odd– a father being so close with his daughter– but Daddy said he loved spending time with younger women. He was hanging out with that Epstein guy a lot.”
Ivanka said her decision to break relations with her father was not difficult.
“Donald Trump’s not president anymore, so what the hell can he do for me?” she says, shaking her head. “Daddy’s the boss king of Mar-a-Lago––big f-in deal! What’s that going to get me? A slice of ‘beautiful chocolate cake?’” She laughs and tosses back her blonde mane. “And Daddy’s so damn cheap, he wouldn’t even comp the cake. He might give me a five or ten percent discount.”
The ambitious daughter says she has big plans for her post-White House career.
“I’m going to be re-entering New York high society,” she announces. “I know so many New York socialites who have missed me. They will welcome me back with open arms and lots of air kisses. I’ll be the belle of Manhattan before you know it. New York City loves all things Trump, especially when they look fantastic like me.”
Ivanka has no remorse about leaving her father behind.
“He still has that witch Melania,” she says. “She’s on his payroll, but I’m going to cash in on my incredible popularity and celebrity. Absolutely everyone loves Ivanka. I’m a bigger brand than Donald Trump ever was!”
“It’s amazing to me that scumbag Trump received 75 million votes,” Barr relays as he shakes his chubby meathead and reaches for a donut. “I’ve always said Donald Trump is the lowest possible form of life. The man is the worst of the worst. I’m amazed anyone could believe or trust him. The guy’s always been a con man. Look at Trump University. For God’s sake, New York state shut down his charitable foundation for stealing funds earmarked for helping kids with cancer. What’s lower than that?”
“I served as AG for about two years,” Barr says, “and the things I saw would make your blood boil. Trump told so many lies, broke so many laws, it was incredible. I kept thinking, boy, someone should really take him down. If only there were an organization dedicated to the rule of law, wouldn’t that be something?”
Barr shakes his head in disgust. He shoves the donut into his face hole and grabs another.
“The real tragedy is when Trump couldn’t lie his way out of a raging pandemic, tens of millions of Americans needlessly lost their lives. What a doggone shame that was. If only there had been some way to remove him from office before then.”
The ex-AG confesses his snapping point came when Trump wanted him to prove election fraud.
“I’d had enough,” Barr says, sitting erect in his seat. “Trump, Rudy Giuliani, and the My Pillow Guy had all these cockamamie conspiracy theories about how Trump was cheated out of the election. They said many Trump ballots were changed to Biden by magical gnomes, the Dems fed Trump ballots into paper shredders, Biden’s votes came from outer space––you name it, they claimed it. The Donald asked me to prove all their bullshit claims. I said, ‘Sir,’ I said, ‘I have my sterling reputation to uphold.’ And I left his administration. But not before I wrote him a glowing letter of praise for his greatness at being a leader. It’s unbelievable how some people want their egos stroked endlessly. Trump’s so needy.“
Barr believes history will look kindly on him.
“I think if it weren’t for me, Trump would have been pretty disastrous as president,” Barr says, rising from his chair, brushing donut crumbs from his lapel. “I’m glad I was able to save America and democracy. And aside from that little hiccup of the Capitol skirmish on January 6, I think it was a soft landing, thanks to me.”
“I’m not impressed with that guy,” Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz said following his grilling of the General before the House Armed Services Committee. “I don’t think he loves our country, not like I do with my incredible patriotic service in Congress.”
Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert was agitated after watching Gen. Milley’s performance.
“He just sat there with all these fancy medals on his chest,” she says as she cleans her Barrett .50 caliber rifle. “Big flipping deal. He should get a medal for betraying the white race because that’s what he did!”
The Republicans are in a heated lather because of Milley’s stated belief that the military should be “open-minded” and “well-read.”
“Milley says he wants to understand white rage,” Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene tells The Lint Screen, slapping a fresh clip into her Glock. “Doesn’t he have a television? Hasn’t he ever watched Tucker Carlson or Sean Hannity? There are two white guys listing their grievances and victimhood daily. They’ll explain to the good General why they’re victims, minorities got it easy, and society’s out to get them. You want to know what causes white rage, General Milley? Educate yourself, G.I. Joe––watch some Fox News! You’ll see how the Satanic, baby-eating Democrats cheated Trump out of his re-election and ruined our Trump democracy.”
Rep. Boebert nods her head in agreement as she loads her weapon.
“The military is exposing our troops to books critical of the white race,” Gaetz says. “These books blame white people for things like the little slavery misunderstanding. Why on earth does the military need to know anything about the history? I say grab a weapon and defend our country. That’s your job, military. Leave the white race bellyaching to liberals and college eggheads.”
Gaetz loads his hair with fistfuls of product, brushes it back, and continues.
Gaetz takes a deep breath and exhales, exasperated. “Let’s stop the charade of the Capitol tour on 1-6 being a horrible incident. It wasn’t. The liberals are trying to make it a big deal, but everyone knows they don’t support law and order or our military. Only the Republicans support law, order, and the military!”
He pauses and stares at the reporter. “Do you know if General Milley has any granddaughters?” He smiles. “I’m happy to babysit.”
