Author: PD Scullin

The Republican Party has taken decisive action to curb gun violence following the recent mass shootings in Atlanta and Boulder.

“The Democrats hate God and want to take away everyone’s guns,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “That’s making a mockery of The Constitution. They talk about background checks– that’s infringing on the privacy of American citizens. Democrats want there to be more waiting time. Have they ever seen the lines at Wal Mart? You can wait up to three, five, even ten minutes to buy your guns. And they want to get rid of semi-automatic weapons. Have you ever seen how fast a squirrel runs? You need rapid fire to take those varmints down. They make a right tasty stew.”

McConnell believes he has a solution for mass shootings.

“We just need more thoughts and prayers,” the elder statesman told The Lint Screen. “Not after the fact, but before the shootings take place. So, we’ll do pre-emptive thoughts and prayers. There’s nothing we can’t do when we ask God for help.”

The Republicans have formed a Thoughts & Prayers Committee to address the problem of mass shootings.

“We’re going to have Republican patriots coast to coast huddling together,” McConnell said. “They’ll send out thoughts and prayers that we believe will stop mass shooters in their tracks. This is the only sane, sensible, and Constitutional way to address mass shootings. We had 417 mass shootings in 2019 and we believe we can get that number down into the upper three hundreds with enough thoughts and prayers.”

The Kentucky senator believes the Democrats want to destroy the United States of America, and his GOP associates agree.

“Biden stole the election from Donald Trump,” Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson said. “Good Americans came to protest that injustice on January 6, and the Democrats acted like it was a dangerous act of sedition. What a bunch of cowards!”

“The Democrats are fueling another witch hunt,” Missouri Senator Josh Hawley said. “They want there to be investigations into what happened at the Capitol. What about citizen rights? It’s insane the way these liberals politicize every little difference of opinion.”

“Too many Democrats are getting elected because we have way too many people voting,” McConnell said. “That’s why we have to tighten up voting laws. We have all these different color people voting, and they’re usually voting for Democrats. It’s just not American.”

“And now the Democrats are giving average citizens free money,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz said. “That’s dumb because Joe and Jane six pack don’t know how to spend money. We should be giving that money to corporations and one-percenters, they’re the job creators! Then, the money will trickle down into the pockets to ordinary peons.”

“We may have to send some thoughts and prayers to our Democrat friends,” McConnell said with a sly smile. “They need it.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Although he’s left the national stage, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump is not keeping his big yap shut. He summoned The Lint Screen to his luxurious lair at Mar-A-Lago to give his take on Biden’s presidency so far.

“I’m not impressed, not impressed at all,” Trump says between bites of a Big Mac (with extra secret sauce). “Biden’s a total disaster. I give him an F for his presidenting. I was so much better at leading the country. The best president ever. Everyone says so.”

The fitness fanatic made short work of his hamburger, shook a large box of fries into his gaping gob, and began working on a bucket of KFC (extra skin, triple fried).

“Joe is unfit for office,” president #45 says through a mouthful of chewed chicken meat. “He stole the election from me and now America is paying a huge price. Thanks to Biden, millions of people are needlessly getting pricked with sharp needles– very sharp needles– and having a secret chip implanted inside of their bodies. These chips contain the voices of Anthony Fauci, Bill Gates, and George Soros telling them to do socialist things like helping their neighbors, demanding good government, healthcare, environmental safeguards, sensible gun control– those sort of outlandish things. And they are commanded to buy lots of Microsoft products. It’s a disgrace. Very dangerous.” Trump burps, then attacks two drumstick like an angry Keith Moon.

Trump is outraged at the “unfair criticism” Biden and Democrats have made about his attempted coup on January 6.

“The liberals have a lot of nerve,” the svelte ex-prez says. “The people who stormed the Capitol were patriots. They were demanding free and fair elections. They know I won in a landslide, all fifty states, and that Biden stole the election. They weren’t going to stand for it and wanted justice.”

Trump lifts a chicken breast from his KFC bucket. His muscular jaw opens like a boa’s, he inserts the fried delicacy into his eager mouth, closes it, and instantly spits the chicken bone on the floor where a kneeling Sen. Lindsey Graham waits with a garbage bag. The suck-up senator smiles lovingly at his boss as Trump chews and swallows. The chicken lover continues.

“Those attackers who beat and killed people in the Capitol takeover were not my supporters,” Trump says as he reaches for a chicken thigh. “They were all Antifa and Black Lives Matter thugs disguised like MAGA folks. It was a big Democrat plot trying to make me look bad.”

Trump quickly finishes the contents of his chicken bucket as Graham scrambles to retrieve the spent bones.

“I got them, boss,” the South Carolinian says. “Whatever you need, boss man, I’m always here for you! I love you most of all!”

The big man kicks the cloying senator prostrate at his feet. Graham yips and scurries across the room where he cowers in a corner next to a nervous Rep. Kevin McCarthy, an anxious Sen. Ted Cruz, and a dewy-eyed Sen. Ron Johnson. Trump throws the empty KFC bucket at the frightened GOP politicians in the corner.

“Get me more food,” Trump barks. The three politicians dart out of the door in search of essential fuel for their master.

“And another thing,” Trump says, “Biden passed that big relief package. That thing will never work. His stupid plan is to give money to ordinary people?! That’s dumb. Worst idea ever. Everyone knows the only way to goose the economy is giving big tax breaks and deductions to corporations and the 1%. That way, the money trickles down to the peasants and they’ll blow it on bad investments like food and shelter. Biden’s plan doesn’t make any damn sense.”

Trump’s stomach growls like a lion with a megaphone.

“Where the hell are those ass-kissers?” he wonders aloud. “I’m starving to death here! FEED ME!!!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Texas Republican Rep. Chip Roy was the subject of controversy when he made statements about frontier justice in reaction to a Congressional hearing addressing discrimination against Asian Americans.

“I was just talking about how we did things in the good old days,” Roy told The Lint Screen. “We’d grab a rope and head to the tallest tree. There wasn’t any need for trials. We decided then and there who was guilty and we’d string ’em up. You look at American history and you’ll see there’s never been any incidence of injustice when a crowd and a rope were involved. Not a one. I worry that the real crimes in America today are against personal freedom!”

Roy said too many people today are concerned about their feelings getting hurt.

“Now we have all these blacks and Hispanics and even Asians bellyaching about their rights,” Roy said. “Well, what about my right to free speech? My right to get off the government power grid? My right to refuse wearing a mask and enslaving my face to germs? And if I want to trash China for COVID-19, that’s my business. It’s not my fault some folks take it out on American Asians. I think these minorities need to toughen up like us white people. We didn’t come to this country complaining. No, sir! We stood our ground and fought the red men for what’s ours. Our God-given land.”

The Texas politician believes the real problem in America is cancel culture.

“It seems I can’t hardly speak my piece without causing a storm of controversy,” Roy said. “We’ve got liberals stealing our elections by allowing the wrong kind of people to vote. And what happens? They say Joe Biden beat Donald Trump, our greatest president. That’s impossible, everyone knows that it’s a lie. Trump told us he won the election in a landslide. Something’s wrong here.”

The politician shakes his head in disgust and continues.

“Then, when we have a bunch of true American patriots come to the Capitol building seeking justice about voter fraud, the liberal media portrays them like they’re the bad people. And all these leftists start demanding those good white people get arrested. That doesn’t make a lick of sense. Those patriots were trying to save America from stolen elections. They even brought a rope to get some frontier justice. And now we’ve got the deep state pursuing these good folks and putting ’em in the crossbar motel. I say let’s forget that little misunderstanding on January 6 ever happened. We got bigger fish to fry, much more important issues. What about Dr. Seuss?”

Roy thinks one of the best things Americans could do is plant more trees.

“If we had more trees, we’d have more justice,” Roy says. “It’s simple as that.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Sen. Ron Johnson thinks fear is a black or white issue.

The Wisconsin senator removed his hood and spoke on conservative radio host Joe Pag’s show Thursday. “There was outrage by the fake news liberal media,” according to Johnson so dropped in to The Lint Screen offices to clarify his position.

“I wasn’t afraid at all on January sixth,” the Republican senator said. “The people who went to the Capitol were patriots who were angry about President Trump getting cheated out of his second term. I’m angry as a badger too! But those protesters were white. Very white. And everyone knows all white people are law abiding good citizens. They love the police and authority figures. So there was absolutely nothing to fear. I’m just glad those people in the Capitol weren’t black.”

Johnson stopped.

“I don’t want to sound like I’m prejudiced, because I’m not,” John clarified. “I don’t have a racist bone in my body. Heck, the couple who cleans our house is black. They’re good workers. And our landscapers are Mexicans I found at a Home Depot parking lot. That proves I’m a job creator who always supports people of color.”

Satisfied he has staked his moral high ground, the toadying Trump-jock-sniffer resumed his inane patter.

“Had the people invading the Capitol been members of Black Lives Matter or Antifa, well, that would have been cause for great concern,” Johnson clarified. “I might have been pretty afraid then. Those thugs don’t respect the rule of law. And that’s not being racist, it’s just fact. Look at all the TV shows and movies with dangerous criminals. What do they have in common? They’re black or hispanic!”

Johnson thinks it’s important that the Republican Party cut down on the amount of crime committed by minorities on election day.

“Too many people of color are sneaking into voting booths and casting ballots,” Johnson explains. “All these illegal votes are upsetting the legitimacy of American elections. Most of these people are not voting for the Republican candidates, who love America and want to protect our Constitution. They’re voting for liberal socialists, atheist Democrats hellbent on the ruination of our country. Obviously, we’ve got to solve these criminal acts. That’s why 43 states have over 250 minorities voting restriction laws in the works. If we don’t solve the problem of minorities voting, we’ll be seeing more white patriots invading the Capitol.”

Johnson shakes his head.

“Look, this issue isn’t complicated,” the senator said. “We just need the right kind of people voting. White folks who are registered Republicans who believe Donald Trump is the Chosen One. If we do that, we’ll save our democracy and give the corporate tax cuts that will trickle down and lift everybody up. I got to run now, I got a meeting to attend.”

And with that, Ron Johnson put his white hood over her head and left The Lint Screen offices.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

There’s no more free ride for the Republican Party.

Twice-impeached disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump has served the Republican Party with his official Grifting Menu detailing the costs associated with services he will make available to GOP candidates running for office.

“There is no more Republican Party,” Donald Trump told The Lint Screen. “I made that party. The party is nothing without me. I am the Chosen One, everyone says so. And there’s not going to be any more free rides on my celebrity. Now, I’m making the freeloading bastards pay.”

That he will.

In his menu of services offered to Republican candidates, Trump has published the following services offered:

Opposing candidate protest riot with PROUD BOYS displaying MAGA and TRUMP Flags… $250,000

Use of the DONALD J. TRUMP name… $500,000

Use of DONALD J. TRUMP images… $1,000,000

Official candidate endorsement by DONALD J. TRUMP… $2,000,000

Robocall of DONALD J. TRUMP endorsing candidate… $2,500,000

Photograph of candidate with DONALD J. TRUMP… $3,000,000

Photograph of candidate with DONALD J. TRUMP (smiling)… $4,000,000

Photograph of candidate with DONALD J. TRUMP (smiling, with two thumbs up)… $5,000,000

Use of existing footage of DONALD J. TRUMP in TV advertising… $6,000,000

Use of new DONALD J. TRUMP footage in TV advertising standing by a cardboard cutout of candidate… $8,000,000 (plus $2,000,000 appearance fee for DONALD J. TRUMP)

Use of new DONALD J. TRUMP footage in TV advertising standing by actual candidate… $12,000,000

Fundraising dinner featuring speech by DONALD J. TRUMP… $20,000,000

Rally featuring personal appearance by DONALD J. TRUMP… $25,000,000 (LIMITED TIME BONUS OFFER–– FREE usage of rally footage in candidate advertising)

TRUMP FAMILY ADD ONS:

Personal endorsement of candidate by ERIC TRUMP… $12.25

Personal endorsement of candidate by DONALD TRUMP, JR… $284.75

Personal endorsement of candidate by IVANKA TRUMP… $1,250,000

Car wash performed by JARED KUSHNER… $42.00

Dunking booth featuring JARED KUSHNER… $17.00

Speaking engagement on subject of “Be Best” by MELANIA TRUMP… $3.00

“This is the most incredible campaign kit ever offered,” Trump says. “I have everything any batshit Republican candidate needs to get elected. I can lend anyone my Trump magic and get them into office to destroy government and democracy. And because I’m a patriot, I’m happy to do it–– at a price.”

Trump’s closes his pitch with this statement: “No one has ever won as much as Trump. It is the biggest brand in winning for winners.”

Trump hesitates, an aide whispers to him, and the orange man continues.

“I almost forgot– all candidate election functions must be held at Trump property. That gives you maximum Trump magic to win!”

His entourage bows and scrapes to their master.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Georgia elected two Democratic senators to Washington, D.C. However, the state has plenty of good ol’ boys and girls under Atlanta’s capitol building dome.

The GOP-controlled state senate passed some new voting restrictions it wants to see signed by Governor Brian Kemp. He’s the GOP traitor who threw the election and is despised by twice impeached disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump.

“We’ve got to stop election fraud,” Tom Snowman, the Republican state senator who sponsored the voting restrictions bill, tells The Lint Screen. “We have too many of the wrong kind of people voting in Georgia. That results in awful things like sending liberals to Washington who pass legislation that will help ordinary working people. We got to shut that down fast!”

Snowman says many of his bill’s measures are designed to ensure Georgia elections are “fair and square.” The portly man removed his hood and continued.

“President Trump won the election, he won all fifty states, he told us so himself,” Snowman says. “Trump was cheated. So were David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler. These Democrat rascals stole the election, and they did it by letting a whole bunch of people vote who shouldn’t have. I know we had a couple of recounts in Georgia, but the fact of the matter is too many of those votes were illegal. They weren’t for Trump, Perdue, or Loeffler! The ballots were from folks with the wrong skin color, and we can’t allow that. We’ve got to change that quick as we can.”

One of the measures Snowman wants is ‘paint chip polling checks.’

“This idea is easy as pie to execute,” he says. “We’ll give poll watchers a white paint chip sample strip from the Sherwin-Williams. If the voter’s skin can’t match the shades of white on the paint sample, well, sir, they’re not allowed to vote.”

Snowman also wants to do away with mail-in and early voting.

“We’re making it way too easy for people to vote,” he says, shaking his head. “That ain’t what our forefathers wanted. Democracy needs to run by folks who are real patriots and know what’s best for everyone. And here in Georgia, that’s the Republican politicians. We don’t need no socialists running around messing up everything with their freedom-robbing masks, vaccines, and unemployment checks helping people. Folks need to learn to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! That’s what makes ’em stronger.”

One of the most controversial measures proposed by Snowman is the “Just say ‘No’ to anyone who doesn’t have an R by their name” requirement.

“Our voting is way too complicated,” Snowman says. “We’ve got too many dadblum people running for office. It confuses voters. So we’re going to eliminate anyone who is not a Republican candidate. These evil Democrats and wimpy Independents are mucking up the works. We’ll take that confusion out of the process and streamline Georgia voting.”

Snowman says he looks forward to Trump’s glorious return to power.

“Q says he’s coming back real soon,” Snowman says with a wide smile. “And I can’t wait. We need The Chosen One working for us. He’s an honest man of impeccable character. And he and the GOP is going to keep on making America great again.”

The politician slips on his hood and marches away with a spring in his step.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.