Former Texas Governor Rick Perry says he knows his people “like the back of my hand,” as he points to his open palm. “And Texans are tough, they don’t need no handouts from nobody.”
Perry, who ran the Energy Department in the Trump administration (even though he didn’t know what it did), believes too many people have a dependency on utilities.
“Texans are happy to go without rather than relying on the federal government giving them stuff,” Perry says. “We’re makers, not takers. We don’t need luxuries like power and clean water.”
Texas had a catastrophe last week when the state-run power grid failed–– causing clean water issues and a cascade of problems for its 29 million residents.
“Other states are hooked up to a national power grid,” Perry explains. “That’s fine if you don’t have an adventurous spirit, if you like playing it safe. But that attitude ain’t what built the Lone Star State. We don’t need government interference. We like to let the free market rule, so we developed our own power grid. And because we let AOC use some of her newfangled liberal green energy, it ruined our power grid for everyone. Let that be a lesson. You can’t trust Democrats.”
Despite the hardship, Perry believes calamities like a statewide power failure are good for the residents.
“It helps build character,” he says. “I’ll bet some folks figured out how to build their own power grid and they were toasty warm.”
President Joe Biden has declared a major disaster in Texas, freeing federal funds and agencies to address the suffering in the state.
“Biden is trying to ruin Texas,” Perry claims. “He stole the election and now he’s just trying to steal some Texan support. But it won’t work. We’re not going to be taking candy from strangers.”
Perry puts on a cowboy hat and declares the interview over.
“I wanted to stay in Houston,” Cruz claims. “I was going door-to-door to help my constituents. But my miserable kids and nagging wife kept bugging me they needed a break. They demanded I take them to a luxury resort in Cancun, and I let them talk me into it. I regret that–– our trip was a mistake.”
Cruz shakes his head as he recalls the horror of his miserable family life.
“I’m a simple man,” he confesses. “I’m happy with the bare necessities. I am a maker, but I’m afraid my family is takers. Heidi and my daughters sponge off of me. They refuse to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. I work hard, and they play hard. It’s a shame, really. I wished my family showed more grit.”
The Texas patriot says the ill-timed trip was taken out of love for his family.
“Look, my children aren’t perfect,” he says, “and neither is my wife. I do my best to keep them happy. It was freezing in our house. We had no power– so we were huddled around our fireplace trying to stay warm. The kids bellyached they were hungry, and they killed our family pet, the cutest little dog called Pepper. They cooked him in the fireplace and ate him. I cried. Poor little Pepper.“
The Texan chokes back tears. “Finally, I succumbed to their repeated requests to skedaddle south and lounge in the Ritz-Carlton Cancun. It was a big mistake, but a mistake I did out of love for my family.”
Cruz smiles and sits up.
“People can criticize me all they want,” the senator says. “But if a man loving his family too much is bad, well, I guess I’m bad. Just know that I give that same unconditional love to my fellow Texans, and I hope they remember me at the ballot box.”
The svelte senator leaped into action when Texas experienced massive power outages statewide this week.
“I saw my people suffering,” Cruz told The Lint Screen. “And that sight was too much for this cowboy. So I saddled up my family and headed south to Cancun, a place known for its endless sunshine and warmth. I brought some extra large luggage to bring some of that heat back to Texas. Heat for my people, who I love so very much.”
Cruz said the “liberal media” was determined “to do a hit job” and criticized him for leaving on vacation in a time of crisis.
“I’m like Rush Limbaugh,” the Republican politician said. “Rush was a great man who recently passed to his reward. Like him, I’m a man with endless love, compassion, and generosity of spirit. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I look for bipartisan cooperation in Washington. But some people want to attack me for no good reason. It’s this horrible liberal cancel culture. Just like they attacked our greatest leader, Donald J. Trump. And that’s very unfair. It’s not right, or very Christian.“
Cruz said he rushed home after his flight to Mexico because he was concerned for his fellow Texans. “But because the media tried to lynch me, I wasn’t able to pack the Mexican heat and bring it back to Texas. I could have saved the state. But, I’m afraid we’ll have to suffer another day or so, thanks to the lame stream media! I hope they’re happy.”
Cruz wants all Texans to know he always has their best interests in his heart.
“I am a man with absolutely no ego,” he said. “I live to serve. And if my fellow Texans are cold, then, by gum, I’m going to do something about it. Even if that means going to a land of murderers and rapists, like President Trump said. A place where they send deadly caravans to invade us. But I took my life into my own hands and went deep into Mexico to find the warmth my people needed. But because the media crucified me, I wasn’t able to deliver, and I feel awful about that. I hope the liberal media is happy. They ruin everything.”
Cruz said it was a very dangerous mission to the south he attempted.
“The only sunblock I could find at the CVS was a lousy SPF-15,” Cruz said, batting his eyelashes, battling tears. “I could have died down in Cancun. Burnt to a crisp. I’m sure I would have been a Texas martyr.”
“Trump’s like Jesus, only better,” McCarthy added. “I mean, Jesus looked like a dirty, unemployed hippie, and Donald Trump looks like a successful businessman. He sacrificed billions to save his people, and had a hit TV show, for crying out loud. Jesus never had a show, not even on cable access.” McCarthy shakes his head, then, sighs. “Look, the bottom line is all Jesus did was die for our sins to save us from eternal damnation. Trump came here to make America great again and save us from the evil Democrats and Satan. Americans need to praise Trump! If they don’t, they’ll suffer the consequences. The Proud Boys are standing by!“
“Mitch McConnell better watch his back,” Graham said, his baby blues twinkling. “He may accidentally trip down some stairs, or choke on some Arsenic soup. And ol’ Mitt better stop going off the reservation if he knows what’s good for him. All those Senators who voted for impeachment are going to get a licking,” Graham said, licking his lips, purring like a cat.
“I talked to my people,” McCarthy said. “I said I want all Republican representatives to be like Jimmie Boy Jordan, Matt Gaetz, and Marjorie Taylor Greene. Those patriots are the future of our party–– they live to serve their master.”
“That’s what we all have to do,” Graham said, his lips trembling. “I love Donald Trump so much, I really do. I just want to be with him all the days of my life.”
The Southern senator broke down sobbing, McCarthy consoled him by rubbing his back and humming The Village People’s “YMCA.”
“It’ll be okay, Lindsey,” McCarthy said. “We all just want to be with him. He is our savior.”
“Democrats have always hated God,” Trump lawyer Michael van der Veen said. “They are led by Satan, so naturally, they hate Donald Trump. They refuse to acknowledge that Trump is The Chosen One our Lord has sent to save mankind.”
van der Veen plead his case with righteous indignation, an attitude sure to please his master watching on TV in Mar-a-Lago.
The defense attorney plead the case that Trump’s call with Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger was done in the interest of justice.
“The president’s call was done to sort out a grave injustice,” van der Veen said. “Everyone knows Donald J. Trump won the election in a landslide. He won all 50 states, he told us this himself– and as I have already proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, ex-President Trump is The Chosen One, sent by our Creator. He would never lie! I think this accusation is proof of the moral bankruptcy of the Democratic Party. Trump was calling Raffensperger to correct the obvious injustice inflicted on him. Donald Trump was politely requesting 11,780 votes to right the wrong. He was doing God’s will!”
van der Veen believes the Democrats and any American who doubts the divinity of Donald J. Trump is destined for an eternity in hell.
“I don’t know how much clearer I can state my case,” van der Veen said in summation. “Donald J. Trump would never lie, incite violence, or do anything against his fellow man. Anyone who says differently is guilty of refusing God, and thus, destined for a lake of fire.”
Atty. Bruce Castor, one of the lawyers defending disgraced former President Donald J. Trump in his second impeachment trial, was lambasted after presenting his rambling, incoherent defense to Senators yesterday. Castor reached out to The Lint Screen (Washington Bureau) and requested an op-ed to continue his defense. Here it is in its entirety.
Yesterday I was in that magnificent building many call the United States Capitol, and I presented my airtight argument for why Donald J. Trump should NOT be convicted of impeachment.
“Impeachment” is a funny word, isn’t it? I think impeachment could almost be a flavor for Wrigley’s gum–– with sweet peach taste that’s boosted by a refreshing mint flavor. I believe that Impeachment Gum would be a hit. Certainly much better than Juicy Fruit, which I think loses its flavor too fast. I think we can all agree on that.
Now, I have no beef with Doublemint Gum–– that’s a classic flavor that lasts a long time. Who here remembers the Doublemint Twins–– those attractive girls they used to feature in their TV ads? I remember them and good golly, those girls were pretty as a picture.
I suspect we don’t see the Doublemint Twins anymore because of political correctness. That seems to be everywhere these days, doesn’t it? Some call it P.C. That’s an abbreviation, I believe.
Now, let’s talk about the American Constitution.
I keep a copy of the Constitution in my breast pocket. I don’t know about you, but I think pockets are one of mankind’s greatest inventions. Stop and think about it–– where would be without our pockets? What do we do with our loose change, our wallets, our car keys, our packages of refreshing chewing gum? I sure wouldn’t want to go through life carrying a box with my personal belongings, but, that’s just me. No, sir. Give me pockets!
Back to the Constitution. The framers of the Constitution–– wait, that’s a pretty funny expression, isn’t it–– framers. Every time I hear that word I think of what framer literally means: to put something in a frame.
Did our forefathers operate framing shoppes? No, I don’t think so. That would be silly, wouldn’t it? I think we can all agree to forget I ever said that.
When we refer to ‘framers of the Constitution,’ we’re talking about the patriots who wrote that sacred document. They did their writing, or framing if you will, on paper. Of course, back in those days they called paper “parchment” which I think is a much classier term. Imagine if you were going through a painful divorce… not that I would wish that on anyone… wouldn’t it be much more powerful to be served divorce parchment than divorce papers?
I think we can all agree on that. I hope every Senator in here has a happy marriage. And Senator Lindsey Graham, I know you’re not married yet. You must not have met the right women, I suppose. I do hope you find that lucky lady and enjoy a long loving union with many children. Aren’t children the best? I don’t think anyone would argue that.
Marriage is a wonderful blessing.
Now, we call the Constitution a sacred document for a reason–– it is almost as if it were written by the hand of God Himself. Now, I don’t want to get into pronoun debates here, please allow me to assume our Lord is a man. After all, He has a long white beard, doesn’t He? I wouldn’t wish a beard on any woman, would you? I don’t think so.
Senator Graham, I think you’d look good with a beard.
But if the Constitution is a sacred document, why didn’t our framers write it on stone tablets? After all, isn’t stone tablets the medium God used when He wrote the Ten Commandments which he gave to Moses?
Let’s face it, stone tablets certainly have more permanence than paper, even if it is heavy parchment!
You know, it occurs to me parchment is another word that could be a Wrigley gum flavor. It would be a chewing gum for when you are really thirsty, or parched, and it has a refreshing mint flavor. One that lasts!
Boy, I don’t know why I have gum on my mind today. I think I may enjoy a stick or two later. Chewing gum relaxes a person, doesn’t it?
So, why didn’t our forefathers, or framers, write the Constitution on stone tablets? It’s a valid question, you have to admit. If stone tablets were good enough for God, why wouldn’t it be good enough for our framers?
We don’t know. Life is full of mysteries, isn’t it?
In the final analysis, I think we have to accept the fact that the framers used parchment and thank goodness we still have the Constitution. And if you read the Constitution carefully, I think we can all agree Donald J. Trump cannot be impeached because he is no longer president and in Washington, D.C., and everyone knows man’s laws do not apply to Florida.
Thank you, Senators. I believe you are all perhaps the greatest humans who have ever lived. True patriots. Especially you Republican Senators. And, Senator Lindsey Graham, I hope you find a lovely bride and are never served divorce parchment.
