Author: PD Scullin

Although President Trump denies he lost the election, Joe Biden may soon be evicting him from The White House. But Donald J Trump is going to use his powers in the death rattle of his presidency.

Today, his ravishing daughter Ivanka Trump and her slip of a husband Jared Kushner announced they are opening a new enterprise for the president: a pop-up store called The Trump Pardons Shoppe.

“We are going to correct the grave injustices the unfair legal system has inflicted on good people,” Ivanka told The Lint Screen.

“It’s like a superstore for freedom,” Jared adds. “For a price.”

Ivanka explained the business plan of the latest Trump enterprise.

“President Trump will offer complete pardons to people,” she said. “It’s like a fairy godmother granting your wish. Shazam! Daddy can make it happen! Your rap sheet will go away, and johnny law won’t be able to touch you for those alleged crimes.”

“These include pesky things like murder,” Jared said, taking a deep breath. “And other crimes like antitrust violations, bankruptcy fraud, bribery, computer and internet fraud, counterfeiting, credit card fraud, economic espionage, trade secret theft, and…” Kushner collapses to the ground, hyperventilating.

Ivanka looks on in disgust and continues the list.

“Also embezzlement, environmental law violations, financial institution fraud, government fraud, healthcare fraud, insider trading, insurance fraud, intellectual property theft and piracy, kickbacks, mail fraud, money laundering, securities fraud, tax evasion, phone and telemarketing fraud, and public corruption… just to name a few.”

The president bursts into the room.

“Did you tell him about the grift?” Donald J. Trump asks.

“Not ‘grift’, Daddy,” Ivanka says, blushing. “Personal services offered.”

“Yeah, whatever,” the president says, pacing. “If someone’s in legal trouble, I’m their get out of jail free card. But it ain’t free! Nothing’s free.”

Trump almost trips on his collapsed son-in-law.

“Get this idiot out of here,” the president commands. “He drooled on the damn carpet, for Chrissakes.”

Mark Meadows scurries into the office, flings Kushner’s collapsed body over his shoulder, and scampers for the exit.

Asked what price is commanded for a full presidential pardon, Trump smiles.

“That depends,” he says. “Depends on the person’s loyalty, campaign contributions, obedience, and how much I think the hall pass is worth. If you’ve done a crime, I can disappear the time. Just call Ivanka, and she’ll arrange a meet. Then, we can start negotiations to make a deal.”

“And no matter what the cost,” Ivanka says, “it’s worth it. Only one man can give you freedom no matter what your crime.”

“Who can put a price on freedom?” Trump asks. “This guy can,” he answers, pointing his thumbs at himself.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

They are perhaps the most misunderstood people in the world, this ragtag confederacy of macho men who call themselves The Proud Boys. But these rugged fellas are not what they seem.

Many people think they are shady ruffians looking for a fight— low intelligence yahoos who would adopt as their daddy figure a despot wannabe like Donald J. Trump.

But that’s only one side of their story.

When one sits down with a Proud Boy over a chilled glass of a crisp Napa Valley Sauvignon Blanc, Stonewall Kitchen Sea Salt Crackers, and artisanal Havarti cheese, you’ll find a tender heart beneath his raging tatted brawn.

We spoke with some Proud Boys recently in The Lint Screen offices. The aroma of our Christmas potpourri filled the air as the gang sunk in their bean bag chairs.

“Lots of people look at us, but they don’t really see us,” says Burt “The Hammerhead” Clousin. “They think we’re only about violence, racism, anarchy, and smashing faces of libs. But we’re so much more.”

“We’re just guys who are kind of shy,” adds Jerry “Lip Splitter” McEnery. “We want to come out of our shells, open our hearts, and have meaningful conversations deep into the night.”

“I like all that corny romantic stuff,” confesses Rex “Locked & Loaded” Thompkins, with a chortle. “I dream of cuddling with a special someone, watching a rom-com, and sharing our feelings afterward.”

“I’m a bubble bath addict,” Hank “Silky Smooth Skin” Gurly says, with a hearty chuckle. “I don’t think that makes me any less of a man. I moisturize like anyone else. Anyone who says that does make me less of a man, I’ll shoot ’em in their damn chest and stomp their skull.”

The Proud Boys are upset President Trump was cheated out of his re-election bid.

“We ain’t standing for it,” says Danny “Full Clip” Hooligan. “We’ll fight to the death to keep the big man in office.”

“He makes me feel really safe,” Bobby “The Glock” Sammings says, as he curls into a fetal pose and sucks his thumb. “We’re happy to die for him if we have to.”

“Dunno why politics gotta be so ugly,” The Hammerhead says, shaking his head. “Why can’t Biden just concede and believe Trump. We do. Why would a guy like the president of the freakin’ United States lie? He won all 50 states, fair and square, just like he says.”

The Proud Boys pour themselves more glasses of wine. They nibble from the tray of white seedless grapes and fresh strawberries. They enjoy the hummus. Their table manners are beyond reproach.

“We just want walks on the beach,” says Jerry “Bloody Fists” Mulligoon. “And some intimate conversations. Then, maybe enjoy some chill time with a good Robyn Carr novel. After that, we can grab a bike chain, crowbar, and Louisville Slugger and beat the living hell outta some liberal socialists.”

“We ain’t hard to understand,” Full Clip says. “Not once you get to know us.“

The men finish their wines, fruits, hummus, and cheese. They press their tee-shirts, so they are crisp, spritz cologne, and head out the door.

“We’re late for our Mensa meeting,” Bloody Fists says. “And that’s never smart. Those eggheads will lay a righteous beatin’ on ya, but good.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Stephen Miller slithers into The Lint Screen offices. As his forked tongue pokes the air exploring its environment, the nervous little man springs to his feet and begins a diatribe.

“We face a constitutional crisis,” he blurts. “This farcical election must be overturned. We cannot allow a dangerous wild-eyed socialist like Joe Biden and his army of angry Antifa radicals to ruin America.”

Miller’s beady eyes dart about the room. He gulps air and continues his rapid patter with manic hand gestures.

“The alleged electoral college met and allegedly gave Joe Biden the presidency, but that’s not going to happen. As we speak, a secret alternate electoral college is meeting in dark caves across our nation. These druids of democracy are representing the true will of the people in granting President Donald J. Trump his election victory, thus ensuring he can continue a second term and his holy mission of making America great again. It is God’s will for The Chosen One!“

A mouse scampers across our newsroom floor (we really should get pest control in here someday). Miller springs into action. His tongue darts out wraps itself around the frightened mouse, and snaps it back into his expectant mouth. His jaws mash down as a lump transverses his taut-skinned throat.

“Delicious,” he says. “I love rodents.” He burps and blathers on.

“Biden claims to have received over 81 million votes. They are all fake votes! We know it’s a lie. Hugo Chavez designed Dominion voting machines designed to cheat the will of free people and usher in a socialistic hellhole. Our alternate electors are fighting this travesty of justice. They will deliver our glorious leader back into the White House, where he can continue his excellent job with the pandemic and have true GOP patriots standing by his side. We must prevail over evil RINOs like Brian Kemp trying to destroy our greatest American leader.“

Miller is asked if he considers 300,000 Americans dying from COVID-19 a success.

“There is absolutely no pandemic,” he retorts. “It’s like the president said at the beginning of this charade–– it’s a hoax. The lamestream media made it up in a failed effort to make Trump look bad. They want Americans to wear masks as a sign of solidarity to being sheep. And even if there was a pandemic, the president’s decisive leadership saved tens of millions of lives. Of course, the liberal press won’t report those alternative facts.”

Miller’s tongue snaps out and grabs a spider crawling up the wall. He chews it, savoring the rich spidery flavor.

“Bill Barr is a very bad man,” he says. “Barr should have seen to it the election was overturned. He should have put Biden and Hunter in jail. Trump won, fair and square!”

The little man slumps to the floor and slithers his way to the exit.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz has made a shameless ass-kissing move by offering to fight democracy and reverse the presidential election President Donald Trump lost to Joe Biden by seven million popular votes and 74 impending Electoral College votes.

“I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do,” the pudgy cretin told The Lint Screen. “Guys like Lindsey Graham, Mark Meadows, and “Jimmy Boy” Jordan are parked by the president’s patootie full time. I need some stunt to get my lips on those sweet Donnie cheeks, and this is it. The big move for me to become daddy’s favorite lapdog!”

Cruz is offering to try the case of Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton in front of the Supreme Court. That case would nullify Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin’s election results, four swing states that swung a middle finger to the president by voting for Joe Biden. If the results are reversed, Trump will win re-election.

“Rudy Giuliani is down with the hoax flu,” Cruz said with tear-filled eyes. “There is no COVID-19, the lamestream fake news people made it up. Whatever’s wrong with Rudy, he’s under the weather. He is the greatest legal mind of all time, and it would be my honor to pick up his mantle and argue the case against Biden’s stealing the presidential election in front of Trump’s Supreme Court.”

Asked what legal precedent will allow the courts to toss out millions of votes in a democratic system, Cruz becomes agitated.

“Precedent? I’ll tell what damn precedent there is–– the president is angry as hell,” Cruz said, his fat little ugly face turning crimson. “President Trump is upset with the stupid American people. He knows he won every one of the fifty states. Biden must have cheated. Hell, look at all the people who came to all those Trump rallies. He had to have won in a landslide, case goddamn closed!”

The dislikable dwarf swings his arm in rage.

“The entire Republican Party stands behind our strong leader who has been the best president in American history,” Cruz screams. “We believe whatever he says and will do whatever he says because we have no genitals and jellyfish spines.” Cruz takes a deep breath, puffing up like a blow-up sex doll, and continues.

“Everything the GOP does proves one thing,” he confesses. “We are soulless, cowardly hypocrites who don’t care. And the American people had damn well better get used to Trump’s democracy. All votes and all support are for him, and him alone! Anyone who says otherwise is an enemy of the state and must be eliminated! They will be eliminated.“

This scared reporter ran like a kid being chased by a swarm of murder hornets.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump has been complaining about losing the presidential election for over a month. Most Republican voters agree that he was cheated, but what do younger Americans think?

The Lint Screen wanted to find out, so we conducted interviews with young people across the country.

Travis Middleton is a second-grader in Dayton, Ohio, and he was asked if he thought the election was rigged. “I guess so,” he said. “But I know for sure our team was cheated out of winning the soccer championship last year.”

Middleton, who plays goalie, recalls his team, the Eagles, being defeated 10 – 1 by The Bears.

“Their team cheated!” the child yelled. “They kept hitting the ball into the net in the goal, and that’s not fair. I wasn’t ready. We won! Everyone says we won.” Little Travis begins crying. “We got a trophy, but it was crappy. It wasn’t very big. I want the big trophy!!!”

He begins throwing books and swearing.

Melissa Tandore, age seven, lives in Gadsden, Alabama. She was asked if she thought Donald Trump was cheated.

“Sure,” she said. “And my teacher Mrs. Albert cheated me out of a good grade. She gave me a U for unsatisfactory. She says I’m a disruption in class, and I don’t ever raise my hand, and I always shout out wrong answers, but she’s just jealous because I’m so smart and I’m the best student she ever had and probably the best student ever, and she knows I should have got an O for outstanding, but I didn’t get an O because she hates me and wants to make me sad.”

Melissa sniffles. “I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!!! No fair!” The little girl throws her iPad Pro across the room and begins kicking the dog.

Tim Blayburg is a second-grader in Alameda, California. He was asked if he thought Trump was cheated.

“I dunno. Yeah, sure,” he says. “And my parents are cheating me because they make me go to bed by eight-thirty on school nights, and I wanna stay up and see Fallon, but they’re just poopy heads, and they don’t want me to have any fun. And my allowance is only five dollars a week, and I should be getting at least twenty dollars a week. And then there’s Santa Claus. He’s no fair. Last year, I asked for a Playstation 4, and I didn’t get one, and so I still have to play games on a lousy Playstation 3, and it’s just stupid, and it sucks, and this year Santa better get me a PlayStation 5, or I’m going to kick his fat butt. And my parents got me an iPhone Ten like two years ago, and it’s like so old and lame, and all my friends have iPhone Twelves. And then there’s my stupid grandma and grandpa who only give me a hundred bucks on my birthday, and that’s not fair…”

Blayburg complained for another forty minutes, but you get the drift. Kids are outraged our president was cheated out of an election he won fair and square.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Georgia politics is not for the weak-kneed or weak of heart. Down here, you best bring your A-Game, and even then, you better hope the teacher grades on a curve.

Georgia Governor Brian Kemp today admitted to what millions of Americans have suspected for a month–– he rigged the election so President Donald J. Trump would lose to the raging looney liberal Joe Biden.

“I hate that sumbitch,” Kemp told The Lint Screen, as he drained a tumbler of Henry McKenna Single Barrel Bourbon. “I tried for years to kiss Trump’s lily-white fat ass, and all he ever did was reject me. Push me away. So this was my payback. Stealing the election from him.“

Kemp was devious in his plans for revenge.

“See, what I did was let the president get all confident with the in-person voting,” Kemp says with a dastardly chuckle. “Then, when he’s celebrating his victory, moonwalking and whatnot, I pulled the rug out on him by dumping a whole mess of mail-in ballots–– all for Lil Joey Biden! Trump didn’t know what hit him.”

Kemp pours himself four fingers of Henry McKenna’s hooch into a Waterford cocktail glass and continues.

“The best part is the mail-in ballots were created in China,” Kemp says with a smile as wide as a cowboy’s bowed legs. “I knew he’d really hate that–– the thought of thousands of little Chinese kids ticking ballot boxes for Biden has got to get under his orange skin and flip his fake wig. Let’s see Rudy Giuliani bust me! I dare him.”

Kemp is elated with his election fraud and his state’s rigging for Joe Biden over President Trump.

“Consider this payback, Donnie,” Kemp says, draining his glass of bourbon. “Thanks to me, Georgia is now a liberal Mecca in a sea of red states. And it’s all because you wouldn’t allow me to be your friend. Well, you big fat loser, who’s sorry now?”

Kemp gives an evil maniacal laugh and grabs the bottle of Henry McKenna, and begins guzzling it like it’s Gatorade and he’s just run a marathon.

“Now I’m fixin’ to rig it so Purdue and Loeffler get buried,” Kemp says, wiping his mouth. “Those pricks never give me their stock tips. The greedy bastards.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.