Author: PD Scullin

J.D. Vance may one day be a heartbeat away from replacing the man he once described as “America’s Hitler.”

Vance, another Ivy League-educated d-bag, was recently selected by disgraced twice-impeached ex-President and felon Donald J. Trump as his running mate in the 2024 race.

The spineless V.P. choice groveled to gain the approval of his declared “lord and master, savior of the world” Trump.

“There’s a simple explanation for my previous critical statements of America’s greatest President ever,” Vance tells The Lint Screen. “Satan possessed me. The dark one had me speaking with a forked tongue, saying awful things about the man he fears most––Donald Trump!”

Vance now claims he is engaged with Trump “in a holy battle for America’s soul. We are the only ones who save us!”

“He was sent here by God,” Vance claims. “Trump is our savior. A man of virtuous words, the highest morals, and spotless character. Everyone knows he is the greatest president of all time. Case closed!” 

His views today are quite a turnaround from the man who once wrote, “Trump is cultural heroin. He makes some feel better for a bit. But he cannot fix what ails them, and one day they’ll realize it.”

Among his other greatest hits is Vance’s previous reference to his new master as “unfit” and his policies as “immoral to absurd.” 

“The devil moved my hand,” Vance swears. “Satan is pure evil, and the dark one fears Trump because he is the only righteous warrior who can battle to save our country.”

Like Trump, Vance suckles at the bank accounts of billionaires looking to get richer if the puppets get into office. Russia’s President Vladimir Putin heartily endorses the Trump/Vance ticket.

“These are great men,” Putin says. “They will always do the right thing. I have total faith in that.” He giggles, then strangles a puppy.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced felon/sexual assailant twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump denies knowing anything about the 887-page blueprint for his second term, even though his Super PAC is running ads calling it “Trump’s Project 2025.”

“I don’t know anything about it,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Never heard of Trump’s Project 2025, but if people say they don’t like it, then I think it’s not a very good thing, and when I get back in office, I’ll do something about it. Whatever the hell it is.”

Trump’s Project 2025 is from those wonderful folks at The Heritage Foundation, who brought you the six extreme right-wing cuckoo Supreme Court Justices who are shredding the Constitution and recently gave the president immunity from committing crimes in office “if it’s in the line of duty.”

“It was a perfect ruling,” Trump says. “I’ll jail the Biden family and all my enemies. So many enemies. My list is long, but they must go if I’m going to make America great again.”

His Project 2025 details plans to disassemble the government by replacing 50,000 civil servants with loyal Trump stooges and jock sniffers. 81% of the authors of the Christian Nationalism fascist plan worked in the first Trump administration.

Some of the Plan’s highlights include giving tax breaks to the wealthy, guns in classrooms, gutting abortion access and LGBTQ+ rights, tracking abortion seekers, ending environmental programs designed to combat climate change, eliminating the Dept. of Education, putting the Department of Justice and the FBI under the president’s command, eliminating the government agency responsible for weather reports, ending overtime pay protection and healthcare protections for those with pre-existing conditions, undoing Biden’s $35 insulin, and banning pornography, to name a just few.

“I’ve never seen pornography,” Trump says. “Have no idea what pornography is. And I never slept with a porn star. I swear on my recently published excellent Bible that I will make every citizen buy. Listen, if you can’t trust me, who can you trust?”

The honest man smiles, shrugs, and gives two thumbs up.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

The Roberts Court has finished its business of dismantling democracy and enabling corporations to do as they like. Chief Justice Roberts has given all his robed pals the summer off. And conservative Justices Thomas, Alito, Gorsuch, Coney Barrett, and Kavanaugh will join Roberts on an all-expenses-paid trip worldwide.

“I can’t wait,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “I want to do a keg stand in every country the private jet touches down! I also want to get handsy with the local talent.”

The itinerary for the six conservative judges includes visits to 18 countries on a private jet, staying in ultra-luxury accommodations, enjoying gourmet food and expensive drinks, and a per diem of $10,000 per Justice.

“It’s going to be a blast,” predicts Justice Amy Cohen Barrett. “I knew the law paid well, but good golly, I had no idea the perks were this fantastic.

“We had a very productive session,” Roberts tells The Lint Screen. “We ran roughshod over democracy and set the stage for even more dark money in politics, instituted regulations over personal freedoms we don’t like, restricted voting, put the pieces in place for the integration of a white Christian national government, and set the stage for Trump to do whatever he wants in the Oval Office. I’d call that a resounding success!”

“We came to do what we were paid to do,” said Justice Clarence Thomas. “And I’m proud to say, Harlan Crow, Misters Mellon, Uihlein, Koch, Griffin, and other mega-donors got their money’s worth. We delivered for them. Now, I can enjoy the summer with my wife, Ginni, who tells me some substantial deposits have been made into our investment accounts. Yee-ha!”

“I am a little upset at our performance,” said Justice Samuel Alito. “I would have liked to ban contraception and get even more control over women’s bodies, make devout Catholic worship mandatory, and ban any votes that do not support conservative causes. But I guess it takes time to dismantle democracy. In the meantime, Martha-Ann will fly the flags of just causes.”

“All good things take time, buddy,” Justice Neil Gorsuch said, patting Alito on his back. “Democracy’s had a couple hundred years running start. We can’t get our fascist state overnight.”

“No. But we’re working on it!” Roberts says as the six Justices laugh.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

In an investigative journalism coup, The Lint Screen has acquired an advance copy of the questions for tonight’s debate on CNN with moderators Dana Bush and Jake Tapper.

1. Who won the last election? No, seriously, who? Come on. Really?
2. Was the United States Capitol invasion on January 6, 2021, an attempted coup, an insurrection, or an incredible demonstration of patriotism following the worst cheating in a presidential election in American history?
3. Did Oz really “give nothing to the Tin Man?” And if so, was it nothing that he didn’t already have? Please explain.
4. Was the J6 Prison Choir better when they were acoustic or when they went electric?
5. Two trains leave Chicago for San Francisco, 1,853 miles away. One train is traveling at 68 mph, the other 72 mph. Who is the president of France? Show your work.
6. Electrocution by battery or take your chances swimming with a shark?
7. Swimming with sharks or fighting windmills?
8. Windmills or handshakes?
9. How many states are in the United States of America? Which ones are democracies? Please name the state bird and flower of each.
10. Who was your favorite Beatle, and why?
11. What is the largest prime number you can think of right now?
12. Superman faces Spiderman in a fight––who wins? Show your work.
13. What classic movie has the famous last line, “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”
14. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could negotiate world peace––would you approve?
15. The American people have entrusted each of you with our nuclear weapons. Was that a mistake?
16. What is your favorite color? Are you sure? Think about this. Final answer? Any rebuttal?
17. If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, how do you explain this outrageous exchange rate?
18. How many felonies do you have? Be exact.
19. Sopranos, The Wire, or Breaking Bad––which show had the talking unicorn?
20. I’m thinking of a number between one and ten––what is it? I should mention it’s a fraction.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Sharks loom large in the mind of convicted felon disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump.

The GOP criminal running for re-election is terrified of sharks. He reportedly treats Shark Week as a 7-day horror show and recently mentioned sharks in a campaign speech.

The looney tongue-ramblin’ man recalled a conversation with a boater in which he posed this dilemma: if the boat is sinking, and you’re on an electric battery, and you see a shark ten feet away in the water, would you stay on the battery and get electrocuted, or dive in the water and take your chances with the shark.

Trump said he would get electrocuted every time in that situation. This deeply offended the shark community.

“What’d we ever do to him?” says Bobby “Big Chopper” The Great White Shark. “Trump probably can’t even swim. I’ll bet he needs those inflatable arm things to float––and those give me terrible heartburn.”

Sharks say they are tired of being trashed by a man they find crude, ignorant, and distasteful.

“Trump’s a chicken, coward, and fatty feast,” Bobby says. “That is if he ever gets in the ocean. Sure, we’d eat him, but I’ll bet he’d give us awful heartburn. He’d probably also give us angina. Frankly, we’re glad that blubber is a landlubber. There’s not enough Andes Mints in the world to counteract him.”

When Trump heard the statement, he called the shark “a loser” and said, “I’d kill him with my bare hands. I’m very brave and tough as nails.”

Yeah, right.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Steve Bannon, the kooky mayor of MAGA-Madness Town, is scheduled to serve a four-month prison term on July 1 for contempt of Congress.

“It’ll never happen,” Bannon confidently tells The Lint Screen. “They can’t send a guy as good-looking as me to jail. That’d be criminal. I’ve got a male model body with Hollywood leading man looks. I’m too damn sexy for prison. But if I did go, I’d sing bass for the J6 choir. Those guys rock!”

Bannon is one of the biggest cheerleaders and ass-kissers of disgraced ex-President and convicted felon Donald Trump.

“They want to put me away because Democrats don’t want to admit they stole the election,” Bannon says. “Because I’m a voice of justice, a man who knows Trump is Jesus Christ come again to save us, they want to silence me. But since this administration is illegitimate, Trump can pardon me.”

Bannon, who once said Trump reminded him of Hitler as a compliment, feels he will get off scot-free with the con man’s help.

“Steve, who?” Trump asked when he was told about Bannon’s plan to be pardoned. “Oh, yeah, Steve Bannon. Right, that guy. How much does he have for a pardon? They don’t come cheap.”

Bannon tears a blank check from his checkbook and hands it to this reporter.

“You tell the big guy he can write his own ticket with this,” Bannon says, smiling. “I’m good for it. I’ll just shake down some MAGA rubes. That bank never taps out.”

It appears the future convict believes the convicted felon has magic powers.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.