Author: PD Scullin

If it wasn’t for the genius of Q, James Bond would have been dead back when he was a strapping young Sean Connery.

Q is the code name for M16’s (British Secret Intelligence Service) top inventor of devious weaponry. And President Donald J. Trump has long been a fan of his work.

“I love the guy,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Q is the best. Tremendous talent. For James Bond, he invented a sportscar tailpipe that’s a machine gun! And another pipe that makes smoke screens. He even created a pen that fires bullets. I want one of those pens. Black ink. Black ink matters. It’s bold. Trump bold.”

The president also likes that Q’s name is part of QAnon.

“There’s a lot of good people in QAnon. And they really like me,” Trump beams.

The president was so impressed with Q’s handiwork for 007, that he brought the mastermind out of retirement and has him developing weaponry for use against American citizens who dare to protest.

“These ungrateful bastards don’t appreciate all I’ve done to make America great again,” the prez says.

“The protesters, anarchists, and Antifa punks are out to destroy democracy,” Attorney General Bill Barr chimes in. “They are revolutionaries and must be stopped. With the president’s outstanding leadership and Q’s inventions, we’ll be able to stop the rabble-rousers in their tracks.”

Q developed the Active Denial System (ADS), a heat ray device that makes targets feel as if their skin is on fire.

“We weren’t able to secure it for our Lafayette Park photo op,” the president says. “I would have loved to scorch some scum, but Q had the device in the shop for a tune-up. We had to use traditional stuff like rubber bullets, tear gas, pepper balls, clubs, and opening cans of whoop-ass. Those traitors are lucky we didn’t have the hell-ray. I wanted to use flame throwers instead, but the P.R. hacks said it’d be bad optics. They always kill my best ideas.”

But the president had the protesters cleared from Lafayette Park, and he got his photo of himself holding a Bible upside down wearing a stern, authoritative expression.

“The Jesus crowd loves that kind of crap,” the nation’s leader said. “The religious rubes eat it up.” He leans forward and confides that Q is working on some new weapons for “putting those dirty Biden radicals in their place.” Bill Barr gets excited, his chubby cheeks quiver in delight.

“That’s right, Boss,” the tubby little cretin yelps. “Q is working on face masks laced with Novichok for protestors. We’ll distribute them at all gatherings.”

“That’s good. I like it,” Trump smiles. “Liberals love wearing face masks. Billy, send Vladimir a thank you note for the Novichok. That guy’s the best.”

“Roger, skip! Q is also working on a bazooka that shoots razor blades,” Barr says, getting manic. “Followed by a spray of vinegar and salt bombs.”

“That’s gotta hurt,” Trump chuckles. “How are we doing with building the prison camps to round up enemies of the state after my re-election?”

“Right on schedule, boss,” the chubby bootlicker says. “We’ll jail anyone who is not with us.”

“Good,” Trump says folding his arms. “I want the traitors tortured, too.”

“Absolutely,” Barr says rubbing his ham-like hands together in glee. “Whatever you say.”

“Damn right. I’m the law and order president!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Russia’s President Vladimir Putin encourages all Americans to rally their support for President Donald J. Trump in 2020.

“If Americans want be patriots, they must vote Trump,” Putin tells The Lint Screen. “Donald Trump has done incredible job. He is best president ever. Much better than black Obama.“

Putin has been very impressed by the performance of President Trump.

“He is strong man. He against fake news media. He enemy to enemies of state,” Putin says in clipped English. “Trump for law and order. Bill Barr justice. Trump will bring military and squash agitators like bug. Will demand order. Jail enemies. Kill those opposed to him. Clean up America. Rid country of liberal Biden radicals. Biden bad, bad man. Only Trump make America great! MAGA!!!”

The Russian president thinks Trump has done a “fantastic job” on COVID-19.

“He protect Americans,” Putin says as a white cat jumps on his lap and he pets it. “Pandemic hoax. Will disappear. Trump fights evil science. Masks bad. Distance to others bad. Fast vaccine good. No need for testing vaccine. Too much science. Waste time. No climate change. Science hoax.”

Putin believes President Trump has elevated the position of the U.S. on the world stage.

“Leaders like me, Kim Jong Un, Duterte in Philippines, Xi in China, el-Sissi in Egypt, and Erdogan in Turkey, we all fear Trump,” Putin says with hands waving. “Very scary Trump! Please stop, President Trump. You are so strong. So very smart. So handsome. You have beautiful wife Melania. Please to tell her all your deep secrets. She will keep safe secrets. Tell her everything. Military secrets. Nuclear codes. Everything. Tell Melania. She good woman. And Ivanka hot babe.“

The white cat looks up at Putin’s puffy pink face and swipes his cheek with its razor-sharp claws. Putin throws the cat from his lap, and it scampers away. The Russian leader dabs his bleeding wound with a silk handkerchief and smiles.

“Tell Americans they must vote Trump. He will protect them from radical Joe Biden. Trump wins or else war. America battle America.”

Putin smiles, claps his hands, and dispatches a goon squad to find the white cat and dispense Novichok on its fur.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

While the fake news media wets itself with glee over Bob Woodward’s new book Rage, the president takes down “this evil enemy of the people.”

Woodward released tapes of alleged interviews he did with President Trump back in February. On the tape, one hears the president confessing he knew COVID-19 was deadly, “more deadly than even your strenuous flus.”

“I never talked to Woodward,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I don’t even know who Bob Woodward is. I think he might be that guy who worked with Dustin Hoffman to take down Nixon with their Watergate hoax. Nixon was a great president. Very honest guy, like me. These reporters are very nasty people.”

The Woodward tapes play for the president, and he listens carefully.

“That’s interesting,” he says. “It sounds a lot like my voice, but of course, it can’t be. Impossible. I never talked to him. Woodward must have impersonated me. Faked my voice. He’s like Rich Little. It’s very unfair. I mean, what kind of maniac would lie to the American people? I would never do that. Honesty and integrity are the foundation of the Trump brand.”

On another tape, Trump calls his military generals “a bunch of pussies.”

Trump becomes animated as he hears this.

“This is obviously a hit job,” he says, waving his pinkish-orange little hands wildly in the air. “I would never use language like that. I don’t think I’ve ever said the P-word in my life. Trust me; this Woodward is impersonating me. He’s doing a hit job on Trump. Woodward hates Democracy. He’s a bad hombre.”

The president leans back in his chair and considers what he has heard.

“You know, a lot of people are saying Bob Woodward wants to kill all mothers,” he says. “They say he had mommy issues, and he wants to take it out on others. I think that’s not right. I don’t agree with that. I want to protect mothers, especially the ones in their beautiful suburbs…”

And with that, the president launched into a two-hour stump speech of crime in America and his law and order agenda, yada yada yada…

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald Trump is enacting the Defense Production Act to manufacture American flags for his re-election campaign.

“This is an absolute emergency,” said Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the president. “There is a terrible shortage of American flags, I suspect Joe Biden is burning them, or the Democrat-run cities are ripping them into strips and using them for making Molotov Cocktails. President Trump needs more flags. He loves appearing with as many American flags as possible.”

Conway scoffs at the notion Trump did not use the Defense Production Act to its fullest in the fight against COVID-19 earlier this year.

“That was a public health crisis. Big deal. It’s a hoax. And if it is real, we all know the pandemic is going to disappear magically.” Conway made jazz hands and mouthed, poof.

“But now we have an urgent need for millions more Old Glories. They will help symbolize how much our president loves this country. It’s like when he appeared at Mount Rushmore and the Lincoln Monument. These powerful patriotic images diffuse the notion he is a weak, feckless puppet of Vladimir Putin who wouldn’t even stand up to the Russian despot for putting bounties on American troops. So what? He’s not in the army. He has bone spurs. Besides, he and Putin are big buddies. World leader pals. They talk every morning.”

The president’s counselor is soon leaving her role to spend more time with her family.

“My daughter really digs me. She wants to hang with me and do chick stuff. That’s cool. I told the president I’m always a phone call away if he ever needs me. And he said he might. He may use the Defense Production Act to produce millions of new Bibles, and he’ll want me to help spin it. Those Good Books make nice campaign props. Remember LaFayette Square? Him holding a Bible shows America that President Trump loves Jeeves Christ and all that other Christian crap.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Fox’s superstar dream hunk Tucker Carlson is a man’s man. His heart pumps a hi-octane mixture of testosterone, American sour mash whiskey, and nitroglycerine. And right now, this hombre is hopping mad and at a boiling point.

“All these protesters in Democrat cities need to sit down and shut up,” Tucker told The Lint Screen. “They are radicals fighting President Trump’s victory of making America great again. And if the thin blue line can’t protect us from these no-goodnik thugs, we have to use our second amendment rights and gun them down in the streets like dirty dogs. That kid in Kenosha had the right idea.”

Tucker calls this “frontier justice–– it’s what they had before the looney libs put in a bunch of restrictive nanny state laws.”

Carlson leans across the desk. “And the same goes for these NBA crybabies. I don’t want to hear about your precious feelings and political views. Shut up and dribble, dunk, show me some razzamatazz. You’re making tons of money, earn it. Leave your opinions about justice to yourself.”

The irate commentator blames the dire situation on the liberal media.

“Our forefathers would be shocked at how freedom of the press is abused today,” The Tuckman says with knitted brow and hunkered-down brows. He continues.

“I watch Fox News all day and night, so does the president, but if I change the channel, it’s like there’s an alternate reality. And let me tell you, that world is a hellscape–– one with a deadly pandemic raging, a completely wrecked economy, small businesses going under, and tens of millions of innocent citizens unemployed. Where are their stories on Islamic terrorists teaching our children to destroy democracy and worship Allah? What about blacks rioting for more welfare and free cars? Why aren’t there breathless stories about dangerous caravans, and Mexicans raping our women and getting our kids hooked on their wacky tobacky? And there’s nothing about liberals burning bibles while they urinate on statues of the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus in the manger. Why aren’t these media outlets reporting the real news like Fox? It’s a disgrace.”

Carlson is red-faced, hot under the collar, pretty upset.

“What we’re seeing, the massive destruction, death, and rioting, looting, utter chaos and anarchy in Democrat cities is just a preview of Biden’s America. If he’s elected, you’ll have Elizabeth Warren slapping your kids in the face because they don’t have a plan, and Bernie Sanders sleeping with your wife–– because he’s a socialist and what’s yours is his!”

Carlson begins hyperventilating. An assistant brings him a paper sack, and he huffs his way back to calm. He speaks in a soft voice while rubbing his crotch.

“But in Trump’s America, there is no pandemic. Unemployment is zero. The economy is the best in history. And everyone is happy and sleeps soundly knowing we have a law and order president who will keep the wrong people in their place. And all the so-called essential workers are delighted to have three or four good minimum wage jobs.”

Tucker Carlson closes his eyes. “It’s a beautiful world.”

He says the interview is over because he “needs some alone time.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald Trump, Jr. spoke last night at the opening of the Republican National Convention, and he may have sealed his destiny as the successor to his father in the White House.

Looking very presidential in a big boy suit, shined shoes, and shiny tie, Junior painted a dire landscape of America if Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are elected in 2020.

“It will be the end of democracy,” Donnie boy said. “The Democrats have a pact with Satan to destroy everything good in our country. They will burn our flags, kill your parents, and slit the throats of our beloved pets. But that’s just the start of it.”

The young, handsome chip off the old’ block began pounding the podium for emphasis.

“Liberals will tie you up and make love to your spouse in front of you. Then, they are going to take your guns and drink your liquor. They’ll tear the sheets out of your Bible. They will find your valuable coin collection and spend it at liberal laundromats that don’t sort colors–– because that’s the politically correct way to do the wash.”

The heir apparent then used a megaphone to amplify his voice into the microphone.

“The socialists want dirty minorities to move in next door to you and cause your housing values to drop. There will be rats and roaches everywhere, fires in 55-gallon drums, socialists with flame throwers roaming the streets, and burning patriots to a deadly crisp. The Democrats want to demolish our beautiful, safe, comfortable suburbs. They are going to plant weeds in your lawn and put streaks on spotless your windows!”

The dapper very honest man of integrity began speaking in a hushed tone.

“But here’s the part they won’t tell you. Biden will command his people to dig up the graves of all your loved ones, collect the bones, and build an altar to Satan–– because that is who they worship. Not God. Not Jesus Christ, our Saviour, and Redeemer. No. They are soldiers of pure evil.”

Our future president took a deep breath and continued.

“Listen, I don’t want to be an alarmist, just a truth-teller. Did I mention they want to kill your children, too?”

What a beautiful night it was in honor of re-electing Glorious Leader. We can only hope he will sign an executive order and chuck democracy for a monarchy–– SO A TRUMP RULES FOREVER!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.