Author: PD Scullin

Donald J. Trump gave up a lot to serve his country as its president. He could have made billions with his savvy real estate genius, or, starred in his proposed hit comedy series for NBC… Oops! I Married My Daughter (And I Absolutely Love It)!!!

But his biggest missed opportunity may have been to pitch major league baseball.

“Randy Levine with the New York Yankees is a great friend of mine,” the president boasted to The Lint Screen. “He runs the team and has been pestering me for years to join his club as a starting pitcher. He’s seen my 146-mile-per-hour fastball. Of course, no one’s actually seen it–– the pitch is a bolt of lightning that pushes the catcher back about ten-feet when it’s delivered. Incredible fastball. A lot of people think it’s the best pitch ever.”

Trump says he is definitely the most athletic president in history.

“They say Truman was a good surfer, Ford played a little football, and JFK was a creampuff who played tag football,” Trump chuckles. “But no president had offers to play major league baseball. Especially Obama. How could he play the national sport when he wasn’t even born here?”

The president waits four-minutes for a reply that never comes, then continues.

“All most presidents get to do is throw out the first pitch. What a joke. Teams want me to pitch seven or eight strong innings. I can go nine, ten, or fourteen, whatever it takes. I have the heat. Tremendous heat. More heat than Fauci, I’ll tell you that. With lots of movement on the ball, too. All I’ve ever pitched was no-hitters. I have the best pitch ever in baseball–– everyone knows it.”

The president gives a heavy sigh.

“Unfortunately, I won’t be able to pitch for the Yankees,” Trump says. “I have a country to run. I’ve got to help people battle the China virus and the Portland anarchists. It’s too bad. Because I look pretty sexy in Yankees pinstripes. Everyone says so.”

He pauses. “I could have also been a pro golfer, or an astronaut, too,” the president mops his damp brow. “Or, a cowboy!”

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

These are troubling times in the United States. Although there is a global pandemic raging across the nation, that’s not the biggest threat to America, according to Attorney General Bill Barr.

“We face an existential crisis in civil disobedience,” Barr told The Lint Screen. “People need to relax about this COVID-19 thing. It may be a hoax or an evil plot conjured by Tony Fauci, Hunter Biden, George Soros, and Bill Gates. Who knows? I’m more worried about our fellow citizens than some cockamamie virus.”

Barr has been on the frontlines helping President Trump battle the radical anarchist lefties in Portland, Oregon.

“Much like the insurgents who caused the brouhaha in LaFayette Park on June first, these hippie types are trying to destroy democracy,” Barr says, spitting on the ground. “Citizens have a sacred duty as Americans to worship President Trump. We have never had such a great leader, and for anybody to be disrespectful is outrageous, un-American, and treasonous. I believe it says in The Constitution the president must be worshipped. It’s the law.”

The nation’s dispenser of justice is prepared to use everything at his disposal to wring praise from citizens for their magnificent leader.

“President Trump is The Chosen One. God put him here to deliver unto us salvation. He recited five random words in order, many times. That was a miracle–– no one has ever seen such mental dexterity. The president simply wants the respect and adulation he deserves,” Barr said. “He has cleaned up the swamp, solved race relations, and stood strong against insurgents like Bob Mueller and his witch hunt, Nancy Pelosi, and Chuck Schumer. The president has also freed great patriots like Sheriff Joe Aparo, Roger Stone, General Michael Flynn, Paul Mannafort, and many others. These are good people and great Americans.”

Barr said disobedient people “can look forward to getting their heads bashed in, tear-gassed, and much worse if they don’t shape up toot-sweet.”

“I know the law,” Barr said. “And I’m laying down the law–– praise the tremendous job President Trump is doing or suffer the consequences. We will not tolerate bad behavior, and we are amassing the troops to unleash a reign of terror the likes of which these no-goodniks have never seen. I get aroused just thinking about it.”

Barr ended his conversation with a teaser.

“And if Ghislaine Maxwell knows how to play ball and keep her pie hole sealed shut, she may be getting a special surprise soon .” Barr gave a fiendish grin. “I can make anything happen.”

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

Now that President Donald Trump has licked the threat of COVID-19 by declaring, “It will get worse before it gets better,” he is turning his sights to an evil danger to America–– AMERICANS!!!

“Radical leftists are bad people–– very bad people,” the portly president told The Lint Screen. “They are the biggest threat we face today. Bigger than the coronavirus. I have dispatched armies of secret police to crush them. ‘Crush them like cockroaches,’ I said. It will make some good video for my campaign ads.”

Trump is fed up with liberals bellyaching.

“All Democrat leftists do is complain,” he said as White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany delivered a large Dominos stuffed-crust meat lovers supreme pizza. The president smiled as he lifted a slice. “I’m starved.”

Over the next three minutes, he ate the pizza, then licked the box bottom as V.P. Mike Pence dispensed Diet Coke down his throat from a five-gallon tank with a hose. The leader of the free world burped for forty-seconds and continued his rant.

“The problem is cities run by Democrat mayors,” he whined. “They don’t respect the flag–– the American flag or the Confederate one. They want to tear down statues of great Confederate leaders–– true patriots who fought for the right cause. And these radicals also don’t support me in trying to make America great again. I won’t stand for it. These anarchists are also spray painting bad words on federal buildings. Nasty words on our beautiful federal buildings.”

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump arrived with a large bucket of KFC “Double-Skin Chicken,” and the president’s eyes twinkled.

“Lunch,” he said as he began gnawing chicken meat to the bone. Two minutes later, Ivanka removed the bucket of bones, and she and Jared walked to the door.

“Thanks, honey,” the prez shouted. “And wear that red teddy tonight. Daddy likes that one.”

He turned his attention back to our interview. “Now, where was I–– oh, yeah, the war. I will stop this dangerous threat to democracy and the American way of life. It’s like the caravan all over again. I won’t let it happen, and I will use the military and our entire nuclear arsenal to drive the evil liberals off the planet. We can’t have them voting in our elections.”

He burped for one-minute-eighteen-seconds.

“I am a wartime president,” he said as he told the secret service to break this reporter’s legs.

“Check and see if he has any spray paint,” he said, “then throw the bum out.”

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

Betsy DeVos has never taught school. In fact, before becoming Secretary of Education, she had never attended a public school or sent her children to one, but that’s not stopping this Jesus-fueled fireball from deciding what’s best for America’s youth.

“I am fully on board with the president’s directive to get our kids back into school this fall–– coronavirus or not,” DeVos tells The Lint Screen. “And I’m happy to say when they do come, they will find some genuine excitement. We are getting rid of all those hard science classes!”

The Secretary of Education thinks science is not a subject that should be taught in public schools.

“So much of science is conjecture. Egghead hocus pocus,” DeVos says with a dismissive wave of her veiny paw. “I think it’s much more important children learn things that will help them lead better Christian lives–– and those valuable lessons are in The Good Book.”

Starting immediately, all science classes will be removed from the curriculum of public schools and replaced with Bible Studies. Science teachers will be burned at the stake.

“They’re heretics,” Devos says. She makes a sign of the cross, and continues.

“One of the reasons America is in such a state of moral decline is that kids don’t know the Bible,” DeVos states. “Instead, we’ve been filling their heads with silly ideas based on science. It’s the same kind of scientific thinking that wants people to give up their rights and wear a silly mask in a foolhardy attempt to hinder the spread of COVID-19. Are we supposed to exchange our freedom for the sake of science? Why? Hasn’t President Trump already assured us COVID-19 will magically disappear like a miracle?”

She laughs. “Let nerds wear their socialistic scientific masks; my money is on the president and The Good Lord to save this nation!”

DeVos thinks the downfall of America can be traced to science being taught in our public schools.

“The science crowd would have you believe the world is much, much older than 6,000 years,” she says. “Billions of years old, according to science. Balderdash! That’s just patently false. Go and grab your Bible, then do the math of the generations from Genesis. All those begats add up to about 6,000 years. The numbers don’t lie. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ll put my faith in math over science–– and put my faith in God over all else!”

DeVos is also incensed by the idea of evolution.

“The science set thinks we descended from stinking monkeys, for Pete’s sake,” she chuckles. “I don’t know about you, but I sure didn’t. Heck, I don’t even like bananas.”

Welcome back, students–– and bless your little brains, Betsy DeVos is going to save your souls.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump is a true trailblazer. He has done things no other president could ever dream of doing, and now that includes being a product spokesman.

White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany told The Lint Screen President Trump is available to represent American brands in their marketing campaigns.

“The president is the most popular man in America,” the petite blonde said. “So naturally, he is the ideal spokesman for any brand. When he recently had his picture taken with an assortment of Goya products, sales went through the roof. Even people who don’t like beans or Hispanics were buying them. Now, I’m proud to announce the president has agreed to be the official spokesman for the Flobo Ford Car Dealership in Girard, Ohio.”

“My great-grandaddy started our dealership back in 1934,” General Manager Frank Flobo said. “We’ve always prided ourselves on being this area’s #1 Ford dealer. And since President Trump is the #1 greatest American leader ever, I thought he’d be the perfect guy to represent our brand.”

Trump will spend the weekend in the new car lot of Flobo Ford shooting a series of commercials promoting ‘FANTASTIC FLOBO FORD CLEARANCE DAYS.”

“It’s one of our top promotions,” Frank Flobo brags. “It’s the time of year when we’re clearing out our massive inventory and making way for next year’s models. That means unbelievable deals on factory-fresh Ford vehicles. And I’ll bet you dollars to donuts Donald Trump will do a bang-up job as our spokesman. Everyone trusts him; he’s the president for crying out loud. Frankly, he damn well better do a great job for the $375 we’re paying him.”

Stephen Miller has begun working on commercial scripts for the promotion incorporating a strong anti-immigration message, with racist dog whistles, and a call to action for “the year-end savings-palooza on Flobo Fords.”

“The president is available for any and all brands,” Kayleigh McEnany said. “Jared Kushner is the president’s agent and is in talks with Depends, Krazy Glue, Aunt Jemimah, and Preparation H. President Trump believes no American should have to suffer from hemorrhoid discomfort.”

The trusted press secretary gives her trademarked 100-watt smile and beams. “The president is looking forward to branching out and using his incredible star power to help stimulate the American economy. And he will do whatever it takes to make that happen.”

A reporter asked the flaxen-haired pixie about President Trump’s anemic response to the COVID-19 crisis, and McEnany threw a flash-bang grenade and vanished in the ensuing pandemonium as National Guard soldiers fired rubber bullets into the crowd of reporters.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Mike and Karen “Mother” Pence are all about family and Christian values. So naturally, they know the importance of education in a child’s life.

“I always say education is the key that unlocks the window that opens many doors,” the Veep told The Lint Screen. “That’s why I think it’s so important all Americans follow the president’s incredible leadership and send their kiddos back to school this fall. Cripes, haven’t we all had enough of this pandemic spooking us?”

Mother nods at her husband’s wisdom.

“Mike is right,” she says. “I spent my career in education, and I can tell you all children want to learn. They want to read the Bible, worship the Lord, and learn the importance of repentance, and self-flagellation. If they don’t learn these things, I fear they will go down an evil path to masturbation, sodomy, and homosexuality.”

“We can’t have that,” Mike says. “Absolutely not.”

“No, we can’t,” Mother agrees. “So we cannot allow a silly thing like fears over COVID-19 disrupt the wonderful American education system that Betsy DeVos manages so well. If the children do return and we lose some, well, we all have to make sacrifices, don’t we? Look on the bright side; it just means God wants those precious little ones at His dinner table. Rejoice!”

“And if the parents have grown attached to their lost child,” Mike says, “consider it a blessing in disguise. Abraham wanted to sacrifice his son for God but couldn’t. The important thing is we all need to get President Trump’s economy back up and running. He built the greatest economy ever in the history of mankind. To do that again and make the president happy, we’re asking all parents to send your kids to school and get back to work.”

“And if your kids are called to our Heavenly Father,” Mother says smiling, “remember, you can always make more. Providing you don’t deviate from the missionary position.”

“But frankly, I don’t think we need to worry about that,” Mike says. “Mother and I have been praying, and we think we’re going to get that miracle the president talked about–– this whole coronavirus thing will disappear.“

“Praise the Lord,” Mother says as an aide hands her a poisonous snake.

“Please, Mother,” Mike says after a few moments. “Don’t bogart the viper.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.