Author: PD Scullin

One of the things Americans love about President Donald Trump is his humbleness. Yesterday, after fielding softball questions from Fox News anchors, the prez sat with The Lint Screen and let down his hair.

“A lot of people think Lincoln was the greatest American president,” said the blond one, “but I think they’re wrong. All Lincoln did was free the slaves. Okay, I’ll give him that. But I told freedom-lovers in Michigan, Minnesota, and Virginia to enjoy their liberty and go back to work. And they all grabbed their guns, dressed up like soldiers, and protested. They did what I said. Now, that’s real leadership!”

Trump thinks history has been too kind on Lincoln.

“The press was very easy on Lincoln,” he said. “He never had to deal with the viciousness of the fake news media like me. They are very unfair to me. They never recognize how I built the world’s greatest economy and made America great again. I inherited a country in shambles from Obama. People were dying in the streets. Executive bonuses were an embarrassment, and companies paid money in taxes they could have used for stock buybacks. The army had guns but no bullets–– they were using pieces of potatoes, throwing rocks. Unemployment was something like 80%. I changed all that. I fixed the country. Then the Chinese and Democrats invented coronavirus as a weapon to make me look bad.”

The president shakes his head. “But I proved them wrong. Obama left me no pandemic plan, no vaccine. Nothing. The medical experts were predicting America would have 280-300 million coronavirus deaths, but thanks to my decisive action, leadership, and smart medical advice like injecting disinfectant for cleaner lungs, I think we’ll keep it down to 80,000 to 100,000. That means I’ve saved 300 million American lives. So even if we lose five million people, I’ve still saved 295 million. Lincoln never did anything as impressive as that. And I even wrote checks to Americans, giving them money for things like food, shelter, medicine. Lincoln never did anything like that.”

Trump thinks history has been kind on Lincoln out of liberal guilt.

“If Lincoln didn’t get himself assassinated by Lawrence Welk Booth,” the leader of the free world opined, “I seriously doubt history would even remember him. I don’t know, maybe. He wore that stupid big hat and had a beard. Abe had a distinctive look; I’ll give him that. But as for his performance as president, I think Lincoln is vastly overrated; I’m doing much better at leading the nation in troubled times than he did. But people don’t appreciate the tremendous job I’m doing. Americans should be pledging allegiance to me daily. They really should. I deserve it.”

Trump paused and looked up at the Lincoln Monument statue.

“They better build a statue of me that’s ten times bigger than Lincoln’s. I deserve it,” he said. “I’ll talk to Mitch and Lindsey about getting one for me before the end of summer.”

Ivanka Trump came running up the steps and jumped onto her daddy’s lap as the president beamed.

“Did Lincoln have a daughter this absolutely gorgeous?” he asks.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Jared Kushner is disgusted. He is livid some “unpatriotic Americans” are not supporting his father-in-law.

“The president has done an incredible job,” Ivanka’s husband told The Lint Screen. “He has been laser-focused on the pandemic for years and he has assembled a team of the smartest people in the world to battle it. And we’ve won!”

The boy wonder flashes his dimples and beams with pride, then a shadow of disappointment crosses his angelic face.

“But some people doubt our glorious leader. They don’t believe a miracle is coming and are afraid to go back to work. Return to normal life. Those people are un-American cowardly chickens. And Stephen Miller will be working with Bill Barr to get them deported.”

Kushner, the man who brought peace to the Middle East and solved the country’s opioid crisis, thinks some people don’t understand what’s important in these trying times.

“We need to get the economy buzzing again,” he proclaims, “and we need worker bees to do that. The president built the greatest economy the world has ever seen, and now silly fear is ruining everything. It’s time for people to find some courage and get back to work. If we lose some lives, that’s the cost of doing business. Get over it. Stop being selfish, think of the greater good. We need a healthy economy if the president is going to win re-election. Let’s go, America, keep yourself great!”

The slender pretty boy makes a church steeple with his long, bony fingers and speaks softly.

“Many people say that the president has no empathy. That is 100% false. He has said he’s concerned for the economy and he wants it healthy again. Stupid fearful people are the ones ruining it for everybody.”

An old server in white jacket enters the room and sets a silver tray with Bulga caviar canapés in front of the fresh-faced boy wonder who shoots him a stern expression. The server scatters for the exit as Kushner lifts a caviar canapé and places it in his mouth. He closes his eyes and savors the taste. He swallows, leans forward and speaks.

“Sadly, we have a lot of lazy people in this country. They don’t understand the importance of a hard day’s work. The president does. Some days he’s so busy he doesn’t even eat lunch. Now he needs the lazy scaredy cats to step up. Put their lives ahead of their fears. Think of the greater good–– Trump 2020! Everything’s on the line. Everything!”

He smiles and pops two canapés into his caviar-hole. He savors them.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Vice President Mike Pence plays hardball when it comes to health care. The man who President Donald “I am doing an incredible job, a perfect job” Trump charged with heading up the coronavirus task force made a trip to the Mayo Clinic to see life on the frontlines of the battle.

While the Mayo Clinic has strict regulations demanding everyone to wear a face mask, Pence refused to comply.

“I don’t need a face mask,” Pence told The Lint Screen. “Mother told me it would be a mortal sin to cover my angelic face. And saints alive, how that woman likes to park her behind on my kisser!”

Pence says face stringent Mayo Clinic mask rules are not meant for him.

“I am a man of Jesus Christ,” he says. “Face masks are for mortals. They’re cloth shields for sinners who are destined for hell and eternal damnation. True believers like me don’t need face masks. We put our fates in the hands of our Almighty Lord.”

Pence drops to his knees and prays up a storm for fourteen-minutes as his head revolves three-hundred-and-sixty degrees, and he projectile vomits streams of green slush with an aroma of lavender and tar. Then, the halo-wearing man in a suit rises from the floor and continues his philosophical pondering.

“Because of the president’s decisive leadership, America today is the safest place anywhere. We have more tests here than anywhere else on Earth. Our tests are available everywhere. We have more tests than final exam week at a parochial school,” Pence says, grabbing his belly, and suppressing a boisterous guffaw. He pants and continues.

“The evil COVID-19 virus–– which the president calls the invisible enemy, he is very clever with names, a genius, really–– has barely touched our shores. President Trump is the best human since Jesus Christ Himself. The reason our country is unscathed by the coronavirus is because of the president’s bold decision to shut down flights from China. That saved probably a hundred million lives. We cannot trust a people from a foreign land who eat with wooden sticks to enter our God-fearing-and-loving nation. Jesus taught us to use flatware. And cutlery is our destiny. We raise our forks, spoons, and knives in His honor. To celebrate His glorious resurrection.” Pence convulses and screams, “Hallelujah!” He pauses. “And God forbid those who can’t tell a salad fork from a dessert fork.”

The veep has great faith in the wisdom of his god.

“If someone does die from coronavirus,” he says with a faraway gaze, “that only means God truly loves that person and wants him by His side. It’s a blessing. Destiny. But as for me–– I want to live to a ripe old age and get me some of those sweet, sweet socialist benefits like Medicare and Social Security. Oh, wait a minute–– I’m the gosh darn vice president–– I’m on the gravy train for life. Forever! Praise Jesus!!!”

And with that, Mike Pence raises his hands, looks to heaven, and laughs heartily.

“Please, keep it down, sir,” a nurse admonishes. “This is a hospital.”

“Shut up, you stupid face mask-wearing mortal,” Pence shoots back. “I’m saved! You’re doomed.”

He laughs and sashays out the door to a waiting helicopter.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

A global pandemic might rattle some leaders, but fortunately, the United States of America has a stable genius as the helm.

At yesterday’s press briefing, President Donald Trump was ridiculed by the lamestream media for his revolutionary idea that injecting disinfectants could eliminate the coronavirus. Today he doubled down.

“The fake news doesn’t get it,” the most powerful man in the world told The Lint Screen. “If a disinfectant kills coronavirus on countertops, why wouldn’t injecting some into your body kill the disease there? That’s just common sense. Your lungs will be whiter, your organs cleaner, everything gets sanitized. Like new. Springtime fresh. I’ve directed the medical experts to start looking into it. This could be a real game-changer. Let’s start adding bleach to I.V. bags–– that’s got to be good for white blood cells. I’ve had enough of their doom and gloom. I want answers.”

Trump also stands by his claim that putting U.V. light under the skin will kill COVID-19.

“I’ve always had a healthy tan,” he said. “I don’t have coronavirus. I think that says everything. And a suntan is U.V. rays outside the skin, imagine what it could do under it.”

The wartime president is getting frustrated by his “so-called medical experts.”

“These people might be book smart, but they’re not big thinkers. I’ve always been a big idea guy,” he proclaimed. “I’ve told Fauci to start doing some studies on some other bigly ideas I’ve had. Like rat poison. The stuff kills rats, so wouldn’t it also kill coronavirus? That’s just common sense. We just have to find the right amount of rat poison. I told ‘Little Tony‘–– that’s my nickname for Fauci–– I said, let’s look into it. I think there might be something there.”

Trump also sees promise in lemon juice.

“You look at a lot of kitchen cleaners, and what do they have in common? Lemons. Everything’s got lemon-scent, right? So, maybe lemons are the secret to killing the ‘invisible enemy‘–– I came up with that nickname–– invisible enemy, everyone loves it. Hey, we don’t know if lemons are the miracle cure, but they could be, so let’s find out. I have a very good feeling about this. Who doesn’t like lemons?”

The commander-in-chief pauses.

“Look, I’m not a doctor, but I think these ideas are certainly worth looking into. What do we have to lose? What do we have to lose?”

America’s cheerleader put down his pom-poms and hung up.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Before he became Georgia’s governor, Brian Kemp was a successful businessman making money in agribusiness,  financial services, and real estate. Now he has set his astute business mind to a new industry–– death!

Kemp came to The Lint Screen offices to discuss his new business venture.

“My daddy always told me, he said, son–– when opportunity knocks, you better dang well answer the door fast,” Kemp says as he relaxes in a leather wingtip chair holding a Waterford crystal tumbler of Pappy Van Winkle. “And right now, I hear opportunity nearly knocking down the down in the funeral business.”

Kemp is seated six feet one inch away from this reporter (who is wearing a hazmat suit). The governor crosses his legs, torches a Don Carlos Edicion de Aniversario cigar, and continues speaking through a fog of smoke.

“I’ve been noticing the death rate lately in America is rising pretty fast,” he says, leaning forward. “So, with the financial backing of Sen. Kelly Loeffler and some others, I’ve been buying up funeral homes all across Georgia. We’ve got sixteen of them so far, and we’ll be re-branding them Kemp Gates of Heaven Funeral Homes. I think people in Georgia just naturally trust the name Kemp –– and hot dog, who doesn’t want to go to heaven? It sure beats the alternative,” the goofy guv says, as he gives a wink and barks a laugh. He calms down from his hijinks, takes a contemplative draw on his stogie, and continues.

Kemp says he is fortunate to have good friends like Kelly Loeffler and her husband Jeffrey Sprecher, the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange.

“They are some right smart people,” Kemp says. “They’ve made some very savvy investments recently playing some hunches they had about businesses that might do well in the pandemic. Those investments have paid handsome dividends, and I am honored they trust me enough to give me the financial backing for my new enterprise.”

Kemp is asked his reaction to President Donald Trump’s comments yesterday that he did not agree with Kemp’s decision lifting restrictions for certain businesses in Georgia starting tomorrow.

“I love the president,” Kemp says. “I will always support him. Always. But sometimes a man just has to do what he has to do. I want to liberate Georgia. We’ve gone long enough without bowling or getting some new body art.”

Kemp finishes his Pappy, smashes the tumbler, and tips the ash off his cigar to the floor.

“I’ve got to run,” he says. “I have a Zoom meeting in ten minutes with some funeral directors. Opportunity’s knocking, and this good ol’ boy is answering the door!”

He exits, whistling Georgia On My Mind with a spring in his step.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

A patriot is someone who loves liberty and country more than life itself. Many angry patriots are taking to the street and protesting against “the unlawful lockdown demanded by brainiacs who believe in science.”

The Lint Screen dispatched a reporter who was expendable to cover this breaking story, and here is his report:

A group of about 100 protestors crowded the Ohio Statehouse in Columbus yesterday. They were angry at the “un-Constitutional lockdown” of people during the coronavirus pandemic.

“I don’t want to stay at home,” Carol Lumby said. “My kids are awful. I think this whole stink is about some fake virus made up by the fake news media. It’s all a big scary story to try and torpedo President Trump’s re-election. The liberals can’t stand that he’s made America great again!”

“That’s right,” agrees Dan Kolirew. “Trump inherited the worst economy America has ever seen from Obama–– the worst president ever. There was a depression, rats were in the streets eating children, and lazy people were driving Lincolns to collect their welfare checks. Then, Trump got into office and he brought the country back. Just like he always did in The Apprentice. The guy just knows how to fix any business. Hell, he’s even giving up billions of bucks a year he could be making so he can serve our country. We should all thank him. Being president is costing him billions. That’s the truth. Rush says so, Hannity says so, too.”

“Damn straight,” chimes Rex Turdrud. “Now, all the socialists are trying to cheat him and take away all our rights. Next thing, they’ll want my social security check. They’re killing the economy because they’re afraid a few people might die.”

“I say thin the herd,” Carol commands. “My grandparents never gave me anything. A buck for birthdays, ten on Christmas. Big deal. They’re cheap as hell.” She pauses. “Listen, if there really is a virus, it’ll do us a favor by taking down the weak links. I say if you let a little flu kill you, that’s your fault. I want to get back to work and make my $13.48 an hour and get our economy humming again.”

“And when we do get back to the Trump economy,” Rex says, “I know he’s going to super-charge it by giving big tax cuts to the job creators. And that’s going to trickle down to us and we’ll all get rich.”

“That’ll be nice,” Carol says. “Maybe I’ll get a fifty dollar-an-hour raise. Or some healthcare–– but not Obamacare.”

“Hell, no,” Dan says. “Obamacare’s the worst. Trump says he’s got a plan to give us incredible healthcare at a fraction of the cost of Obamacare. A helluva lot better coverage for next to nothing.”

“Can’t wait,” Carol says. “It’ll be good to get back to normal. I want to keep America great, and re-electing Trump is the only way to do that.”

“Damn straight,” says Rex. “He’s the only guy who ever looks out for the little guy.”

“Mitch McConnell, too,” Dan adds.

“Goes without saying,” Rex says. “The GOP always looks out for the common man.” The protestors high five one another.

“Hey, are you guys feeling kind of hot out here,” Dan says as he coughs.

“Maybe a little,” Carol says.

“Trump says heat’s good. It kills the virus,” Rex says. “And taking that drug with the funny name, that kills the virus, too.”

“If there really is a virus,” Carol says with raised eyebrows. She looks to her left as Dan collapses to the ground coughing. “Don’t be a damn sissy, Dan,” she says. “Get up and put your MAGA hat back on. We got to protest for our rights before guys like Fauci kill us!”

Dan brings himself to his knees, his breath heavy. Rex drops to the ground coughing and Carol pokes him with her “GIVE ME MY FREEDOM” sign.

Viva la liberation!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.