Sen. Kelly Loeffler sees opportunity in the national crisis.
Senator Kelly Loeffler of Georgia is a true blue capitalist, and because she is, she’s smart enough to take advantage of a prime opportunity to make a buck.
On January 24, she participated in a private, all-senators meeting on the novel coronavirus.
“What I heard was was absolutely frightening,” Sen. Loeffler told The Lint Screen. “I saw that this global COVID-19 pandemic was going to become a major crisis in the U.S., and presented incredible investing opportunities, so I took swift action.”
She immediately got on her iPhone 11 Pro Max and called her loving husband — Jeffrey Sprecher, the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange. She told him, “Honey, the shit is going to hit the fan with this pandemic! We need to help the country. Dump any stocks in our portfolio we might take a hit on, and scarf-up any stock you think will boom with the pandemic. This is a time of crisis, sweetie, we have to act and act fast!!!”
Because Sprecher loves America like his wife, he directed his portfolio minions to dump Exxon Mobil and Resideo Technologies stock and scoop up shares in Citrix, a teleworking software company, and a company that makes protective garments that are being used to fight the spread of COVID-19.
“The stocks we bought have had tremendous appreciation during the pandemic scare,” Sprecher said. “It’s great being married to a woman who gets good intelligence before the general public.”
“My husband and I are proud to support American business,” Loeffler said. “And we are both proud of the terrific job President Trump is doing allowing the free market to survive and thrive in these troubling times. He has all 50 states and FEMA bidding on crucial equipment like ventilators, ensuring the prices will skyrocket. I can’t think of anything more patriotic than that. I don’t know if the president is getting a vig on those machines or not, I suspect he is if he’s smart, but we’ve all got to make some money on this coronavirus opportunity.”
The Georgia Peach then boarded her Gulfstream G500 private jet and departed for parts unknown.
DeSantis doesn’t second guess his decisions about coronavirus.
Many people questioned the wisdom of Florida’s Governor Ron DeSantis’s decision to keep beaches, bars, and restaurants open during spring break during a global pandemic.
Now, as the cases of COVID-19 and deaths begin to skyrocket nationwide, DeSantis still isn’t doing much about it.
“I’m not all that worried,” the governor said. “Apparently this virus is a bigger threat to seniors than us regular people, and, fortunately, Florida doesn’t have many seniors. I think we’ll survive this scare just fine.”
DeSantis is taking his lead from President Trump. “When the big fella issues a stay-at-home order, I’ll get in line,” the guv told The Lint Screen. “I know which side my bread is buttered, and I think the president is doing a phenomenal job of handling this. He really is the best president ever!”
The wily Republican sees how the game is being played when it comes to governors securing necessary supplies like personal protection equipment, ventilators, and refrigerated trucks for corpses.
“Stupid governors are trashing the president for the job he’s doing, so naturally, he’s going to make those states suffer. Me, I’ve done nothing but praise the stable genius–– he’s going to take care of me just fine. He knows I know how to play ball.”
DeSantis crosses his arms and leans forward. “But to tell the truth, I’ve been listening to Rush and watching a lot of Fox News, and I think this whole coronavirus thing is pretty overblown. It’s a conspiracy to make the president look bad. Then again, to quote our greatest president ever, ‘We’ll see what happens.’”
Donald J. Trump has declared himself “a wartime president,” and now he has proven he truly is just that!
In a Rose Garden ceremony today, Michael J. Lindell, CEO of MyPillow Inc., sung the praises of his dear friend and our nation’s leader in the battle against the coronavirus COVID-19 and the battle for our nation’s soul. After the man with the rented mustache spoke, the president announced he was using the Defense Production Act to enlist the My Pillow manufacturer in his war.
“A lot of people are saying they are worried about the ‘invisible enemy,’” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I made up the name ‘invisible enemy’ for the coronavirus. I also made up ‘fake news,’ ‘good morning,’ and ‘New York Times Bestseller,’ he said with pride. Anyway, I don’t want people worrying and losing sleep over this pandemic–– which I knew was going to happen. I said it many times. So I’m enlisting Michael and his excellent company to make My Pillows for anyone who gets the awful disease. The one I always said was going to be a danger.”
Trump pauses as if expecting applause, and when he hears none, he continues.
“I think in the long run, the pillows will be much more helpful than ventilators. Cuomo says he needs lots of ventilators, but I think people are stealing them. They must be. But I’ll get him some eventually. Jared’s still talking to GM and negotiating to get their friends and family discount on ventilators. Or, we might wait for the end of the year clearance sale. Our people are doing an amazing job. We’ll see what happens.”
The president wants anyone who falls victim to the virus to get a good night’s sleep.
“It’s important,” Trump said. “I call sleep the ‘resting time,’ and when your head is on the fantastic My Pillow, you can’t help but get a great night’s sleep. Incredible night’s sleep. Counting many sheep. So many sheep.”
Michael J. Lindell agrees with the president.
“I designed My Pillow to give you the best possible night’s sleep, and I’m proud to help my dear friend as he wins the war against ‘the invisible enemy.’”
“Sometimes I call it ‘the invisible scourge,’” the president said.
“You have a super-duper way with words, mister president, and you’re doing such a great job,” Lindell gushed.
“Thank you, Michael,” said our fearless leader as he looked like he was posing for the sculptors chiseling his mug on Mt. Rushmore.
Donald J. Trump has declared himself “a wartime president,” and now he has proven he truly is just that!
In a Rose Garden ceremony today, Michael J. Lindell, CEO of MyPillow Inc., sung the praises of his dear friend and our nation’s leader in the battle against the coronavirus COVID-19 and the battle for our nation’s soul. After the man with the rented mustache spoke, the president announced he was using the Defense Production Act to enlist the My Pillow manufacturer in his war.
“A lot of people are saying they are worried about the ‘invisible enemy’,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I made up the name ‘invisible enemy’ for the coronavirus. I also made up ‘fake news,’ ‘good morning,’ and ‘New York Times Bestseller’ he said with pride. Anyway, I don’t want people worrying and losing sleep over this pandemic–– which I knew was going to happen. I said it many times. So I’m enlisting Michael and his excellent company to make My Pillows for anyone who gets the awful disease. The one I always said was going to be a danger.”
Trump pauses as if expecting applause and when none is heard, he continues.
“I think in the long run the pillows will be much more helpful than ventilators. Cuomo says he needs lots of ventilators, but I think people are stealing them. They must be. But I’ll get him some eventually. Jared’s still talking to GM and negotiating to get their friends and family discount on ventilators. Or, we might wait for the end of the year clearance sale. Our people are doing an amazing job. We’ll see what happens.”
The president wants anyone who falls victim to the virus to get a good night’s sleep.
“It’s important,” Trump said. “I call sleep the ‘resting time’ and when your head is on the fantastic My Pillow, you can’t help but get a great night’s sleep. Incredible night’s sleep. Counting many sheep. So many sheep.”
Michael J. Lindell agrees with the president.
“I designed My Pillow to give you the best possible night’s sleep, and I’m proud to help my dear friend as he wins the war against ‘the invisible enemy.’”
“Sometimes I call it ‘the invisible scourge,’” the president said.
“Thank you, Michael,” said our fearless leader as he looked like he was posing for the sculptors chiseling his mug on Mt. Rushmore.
After the press briefing, our investigative reporters discovered Lindell recently donated over $6 million to the Trump 2020 campaign. The cost to American taxpayers of each My Pillow will be $28, 985.00.
Jerry Falwell Jr. demands Liberty University students have faith.
Last week, Jerry Falwell Jr. partially reopened Liberty University, his evangelical boot camp. He commanded his students to return to campus and ignore “the brouhaha of the fake news media and its coronavirus scare.”
“The crooked lamestream media is overblowing this fake pandemic,” Falwell told The Lint Screen, “It’s just another attempt by liberal God-hating heathens to make President Trump look bad. They couldn’t get him with Stormy Daniels, the Mueller investigation, impeachment, or Article 25, so now they have this health crisis fraud. Satan is a cunning adversary, but I will beat him!”
Being a true patriot and loyal Trump supporter, Falwell said he “wouldn’t allow my university to remain shut down for no good reason.” So, he commanded students to return to campus and crack open the Good Book.
One parent complained this act was dangerous for student health. Falwell called the parent “a dummy” in a tweet. Falwell heads Liberty University’s debate team renowned for its aggressive use of the ‘I’m rubber; you’re glue” argument first posited by Socrates.
Since reopening the campus, a dozen students are allegedly sick with symptoms of the COVID-19 virus.
“I don’t know if that many students are sick or not,” Falwell said, “but if they think they’re getting out of this semester by dying, they have another thing coming. I will fail them. Liberty University will not reward show-offs who die trying to make our president look bad. That’s just unAmerican.”
Falwell pauses and looks to the ceiling.
“And besides, students taken by our Lord are obviously martyrs. Grades won’t do them any good in heaven anyway. If they perish, I’ve done them a big favor. Praise be God!“
He felt the global pandemic might be on the horizon. He knew in his gut it was coming.
“I thought it would be bad, very bad,” he told The Lint Screen. “Not just for the economy, but people, too. I care about people, everyone says so.”
He inherited a horrible pandemic preparedness program.
“It was a disaster. The worst ever,” he says shaking his massive noggin from side to side. “No one thought a pandemic could ever happen. Obama didn’t. He was an awful president. The worst. The country was in a depression when I took over, and I built the greatest economy anyone has ever seen. A tremendous economy.”
But the pandemic did come.
“It came from China, so I built a wall in China. A great wall. Magnificent, beautiful wall. But the pandemic still came to the United States. So I stopped allowing Chinese people to come here. Everyone said that was brilliant and saved billions of lives.”
But not even that brave action was enough. The pandemic got worse in the U.S.
“It’s a bad virus, a nasty virus. No one has ever seen anything like this, I call it ‘the invisible enemy’–– the invisible enemy, I made that up myself. The invisible enemy. I also call it the invisible scourge. Invisible scourge. And I didn’t like it, no matter what the name. So I took action against the invisible enemy or scourge, whichever one you like.”
In a bold move, Trump commanded his minions to draft an executive order banning COVID-19, and he signed it immediately.
“I didn’t wait. Waiting hurts the economy. This executive order tells the COVID-19 virus it is not so welcome in our country. Go home, invisible enemy. Get out, invisible scourge!”
And just like that, America was saved. COVID-19 is banned.
“We’ll see what happens,” the president said. “I have a good feeling about this.”
The lady-catnip man explains the change in the president’s behavior.
In the last couple of days, you may have noticed a new president of the United States–– one who is somber and appears concerned about humanity. This change in attitude didn’t happen by accident.
“We conducted some focus groups,” explains Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, “and we found people didn’t like the idea of an unknown virus creating health hazards and death, so we consulted with President Trump. He doesn’t want his base dying before November, so he said we should do something drastic.”
That something involved a major change in Trump’s behavior.
“Months ago, the president called coronavirus a hoax,” Mnuchin said. “And back then, it was. A hoax the Chinese and Democrats created trying to whip Americans into a snit. He called it a hoax and ignored it. Then, he saw people were dying in China, so the president shut down Chinese people from coming here. It was a decision even liberals liked. But coronavirus still wasn’t that big a deal. It was someone else’s problem on the other side of the world.”
Mnuchin recounts one of the superhuman powers of Donald J. Trump.
“The president has a great gut feel, and he had a hunch this coronavirus was nothing to worry about. It was all going to work out very well for us. But the fake news media just wouldn’t let the story go. They started whipping the thing into a pandemic. That got the president’s attention, and he made Mike Pence the face of fixing it. And to make Americans feel safe, he said we only had 15 cases and that would soon be down to only 5 cases, then 3, and eventually zero. He said anyone who wanted a test could get one, no need to worry. His gut was telling him we’d have a very good result. But then everything changed.”
The ladykiller Treasury Secretary said the virus suddenly posed a larger threat than anyone thought. That’s when the president lept into action.
“President Trump called for a national day of prayer this past Sunday. That’s the nuclear option, calling on the Big Man upstairs. But apparently, not enough Americans got on their knees–– and now we’re facing a serious dilemma. So we re-designed the president to become more presidential. Boring. Serious. He doesn’t use funny nicknames or burns. No trashing other politicians. Now, President Trump is acting like he really cares about Americans and their health–– even more than himself! He’s even embracing the idea of science, but not for the hoax of climate change. In short, the president is acknowledging reality. That’s a major change in direction for this administration. And I think this serious president is going to test like gangbusters in focus groups. We call it Trump 2.0: The Loving, Caring, Empathetic President. “
But some things won’t change.
“The president is still infallible and will never admit a mistake or alternate fact from one he stated. And, of course, he’ll remain a caustic ass on Twitter. These are part of his brand, and that brand is money in the bank with his base. And let’s face it, those are the only people that matter.”
