Author: PD Scullin

Thanks to diligent dumpster diving, The Lint Screen has obtained a draft of tonight’s address by President Donald J. Trump.

“Good evening, my loyal American subjects. Tonight I want to talk about the fake news you may have been seeing on CNN and other liberal looney media out to get me and destroy America.

First off, the World Health Organization is saying there is a Coronavirus pandemic worldwide. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. You never know. We’ll see what happens.

But even if there is a worldwide pandemic, Americans don’t have to worry about it because this is America, and I have been treating America first, and we should be safe. Very safe. I won’t allow coronavirus or immigrants into our country. 

Let the world take care of itself. I’m protecting America. Keep America great, vote Trump 2020!

Now, some people have been falsely saying there are not enough coronavirus tests—a big lie. Our administration has created more coronavirus tests than any other administration in history. Everyone says so. Anyone who wants a test can get one. Ask Mike Pence. You can get a true or false coronavirus test, or a multiple-choice test. They’re both easy to take.

Even if you do get coronavirus, you will get better very soon. It’s nothing to worry about. Get a box of Kleenex, some Nyquil. You’ll be fine. Soup’s also good. Chicken noodle. Very good soup–– chicken noodle. I like the one with star noodles—stars like the American flag. Great flag. Love it. Kiss it.

The rumors of the coronavirus being highly contagious are also false. Keep shaking hands, flying on planes, going to work, going to school.

My uncle was a doctor at MIT and was very smart. He was a genius, and so is his nephew. I could have been a doctor finding cures to all kinds of diseases, probably even cancer and coronavirus, but I went into business. I built the most successful business empire ever. Then I became president in a landslide victory–– biggest in American history. So believe me when I tell you–– you’re not contagious. 

You’re not contagious!

And those few people who do get coronavirus will have a very good result. They will be better than ever. Run faster, be stronger. Have great luck with lottery scratch tickets. Tremendous results. Incredible. Trust me.

And don’t worry about the stock market. The stock market doesn’t matter too much anyway. The American economy is very good. The best economy ever, thanks to me. The stock market is just a little rocky because Democrats are out to get Donald Trump. They want to destroy America. I won’t let them do it. Nasty Nancy and Schiff are snakes. Rats.

Awful people, Democrats. Sleepy Joe. Crazy Bernie. They try to divide Americans. I want to unite Americans. Spread love.

That’s all I have to say. It’s all good. We’ll have excellent results. Don’t worry about coronavirus. If you are worried, buy some Trump life insurance. It’s ironclad protection for your family. Very good protection.

God bless America.”

 

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

 

 

Ever since this whole coronavirus hub-bub, the do-nothing Democrats have wished for massive casualties because they hate America–– but fortunately, Donald J. Trump is our president!

Today Trump called The Lint Screen to talk about the decisive actions his administration is taking to protect his loyal subjects.

“I’ve been reading up a lot on this coronavirus,” the commander-in-chief said. “No one knows more about it than I do. One of the things I found out is that the virus started in China because of Batman. Most people don’t know that. He bit people and gave them coronavirus. Has a very dirty mouth. I told Mike Pence to capture Batman because he is an enemy of the people. Mike said he would pray on it. He dropped to his knees. I smacked him and said, ‘Do it now, God-boy.’ Then he promised he would do it.”

Trump believes Batman is going around the world and infecting millions.

“Batman’s not a superhero. He’d like you to believe that, but it’s a lie,” Trump said. “A total hoax. Fake hero. He’s a very bad guy, needs to be put down. Robin, too. Bad hombres, both of them.”

Since learning about the coronavirus, the president has taken decisive actions to save America.

“My administration has done more than any other administration in history,” he proclaimed. “Obama would have invited Batman to the White House and spread the virus. But we immediately shut down the borders, stopped ordering Chinese food, playing Chinese checkers, and rushed to build the wall. We’ve completed 18,000 miles of the wall, and I designed it with greased sides so Batman can’t scale it.”

The president points to his head. “Using the old noodle. Very stable. Very genius.”

He estimates his actions have saved at least 300 million American lives.

“We have it very much under control,” he declared. “There’s only one, maybe two cases. It could be none. I told the drug companies to make a vaccine fast. Very fast. Don’t want slow. And because of my leadership, we’ll have tremendous results. But, then again, maybe not. We’ll see what happens. If there are more cases, blame Batman and the Democrats.”

 

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

 

 

The other day, our mighty president gave a commanding press conference about the threat America faced in the global coronavirus epidemic. Being a great leader, he delegated responsibility for battling the coronavirus to his vice president Mike Pence, the Robin to his Batman.

Pence called The Lint Screen today and proclaimed victory!

“America is safe, Americans are saved,” the Veep said with his charismatic smile and devil-may-care charm. “I brought in a higher authority to perish this plague.”

Pence says he and his wife, Mother, assembled a prayer group of close friends from their church to address coronavirus.

“When I was governor of Indiana, we abolished HIV,” he said. “We also prayed away their gay. Now Indiana is only heterosexuals. And married couples are only allowed to perform the missionary position when the devil stirs up the sinful ways of their loins.”

The vice president says he has “an excellent relationship with God,” and is also on good terms with his Heavenly Father.

“My trusted relationship with the president enabled me to get a direct line to the Lord Almighty. After all, President Trump is The Chosen One put on Earth to bring us eternal salvation. We are truly blessed to have him lead us through the desert of sin and into the warm embrace of armageddon.”

Pence and the president have decided to shut down the Centers for Disease Control and the National Institutes of Health, diverting their funding to the construction of the wall.

“Those health organizations are wasting money on scientific research. They believe the answers to problems are in a microscope. All these doctors believe in science, which is Satan’s witchcraft–– science is a manmade religion. Only pagans put faith in science. I believe the answers come from above, and the big man in the Oval Office said he would look after his people and protect us.”

Pence bowed his head and gave thanks for Donald J. Trump.

“If not for him, I think we would all be in grave danger. He is a great man, and I am proud to grovel at his feet. He and I both know that God will grant us a miracle and make the evil germs go away.”

With that, Pence reached into a wooden box and took out poisonous snakes. He invited this reporter to handle one, and the scribbler cried like a smacked infant and ran away.

Some leaders wait for dangers to strike before they take action, and some plan a move ahead and make smart preparations.

President Donald Trump is like a master chessplayer–– always thinking one, two, even eighty-eight moves ahead!

He is not waiting for the coronavirus to officially become a dangerous pandemic, so he has dispatched the center of the universe to go to work for America.

“When the weather warms up, the coronavirus will be destroyed,” the president told The Lint Screen. “But spring is taking too long to get here. It’s Schumer, Schiff, Pelosi and those damn Democrats who want to prolong winter and encourage the coronavirus to kill Americans. I won’t allow it!”

To that end, Trump has commanded the sun to heat things up.

“Warmer temperatures destroy viruses,” he said. “So I want to turn up the heat. The sun is like a huge sunlamp in the sky, and best of all, it’s free.”

Trump is an expert on solar matters. “When the sun plays peek-a-boo, we call it an eclipse. Most people don’t know that,” he said as he puffed his chest like a banty rooster who’d been awarded the blue ribbon at the county fair. “Eclipse,” he repeated.

The president says he is also an expert on viruses.

“They like cold weather because people are inside,” he said. “The virus can get indoors and attack. Viruses like to Netflix and chill like anyone else. But when the weather gets warm, people go outdoors and that fools the virus. So it dies.”

Trump believes there is no need for a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or National Institutes of Health. He plans to eliminate the agencies.

“Those organizations are Democratic slush funds for science, and let me tell you, science isn’t going to help people in a time like this. The sun will do the job. Don’t worry, America, I’ll take care of you. Believe me.”

Trump smiled and gave two thumbs up from inside his oxygen bubble.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Taxpayers shell out $81 billion-a-year for intelligence services, and according to President Donald Trump, “It’s a big fat waste of money–– all they do is report lies and misinformation. It’s treasonous behavior.”

Trump is on the warpath after finding out intelligence officials made a report to the House Intelligence Committee that included Democrat Adam Schiff.

In the report, the intelligence officers said Russia is meddling in our election like they did in 2016, and once again, they want Trump to win.

“It’s outrageous,” the president fumed to The Lint Screen. “Can you imagine giving sensitive information to Adam Schiff? He is the most dangerous man in the world. A very evil, very bad man. Schiff is Satan. He hates God, he wants to impregnate our daughters, abort babies, and let illegal aliens take our guns, and rape our mothers. He is trying to overthrow America.”

Trump was so enraged at the briefing, he fired Acting Director of National Intelligence Adm. Joseph Maguire and others involved in “the hoax.”

“I have no use for intelligence. I told these people repeatedly that the idea Russia would interfere with our elections is absolutely ridiculous. Why would they? Russia has its own elections. Vladimir Putin gave me a pinky swear on his mother’s grave that they did not mess with our elections. And Putin, like me, is a man known for his honesty and integrity. Everyone says so. I believe him, he’s a good man. End of discussion.”

To replace Maguire, who the president called “an awful man, real garbage, has no class at all,” Trump selected US Ambassador to Germany Richard Grenell to head up intelligence agencies.

“Richard Grennell is from central casting–– very handsome, great eyes, looks very intelligent–– like a real book reader,” Trump says. He puffs his chest and continues.

“Richard told me I am the greatest leader ever, the greatest man ever. The chosen one brought here by God. Grennell is obviously a tremendous judge of character. He also told me it would be his honor to serve me as I make America great again. Then he recited the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump. I think we can trust him. Richard Grennell will protect us. Sleep tight, America. Trump will protect our elections.”

This reporter asked the president if perhaps it wouldn’t be a good idea to improve election security just in case. The scribe was immediately arrested, shackled, and sent to the gulag.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Roger Stone, the grand Trump trickster, was slapped with a 40-month sentence for being found guilty of seven counts of ‘very bad boy behavior.’ The recommended sentence by federal prosecutors for Stone was 7-9 years.

That was before Donald Trump had a twitter-rage and pout-fest about the unfairness of it all.

“Hell,” Stone told The Lint Screen, “they could have given me the death penalty or life in prison. Who cares? Trump is going to spring me any second.”

Stone has been a Trump ally and political consultant for years. Many say he may be the only person who is a bigger scumbag than the liar-in-chief.

“I know Trump better than anyone,” Stone bragged. “I know where the bodies are buried. The last thing he needs is someone like me flipping on him. Trump will play ball. He has to. I got him by the balls.”

Despite the judge’s sentence, Stone is not planning to attend jail.

“I’m not even packing a bag or a toothbrush. Why should I?” he crowed. “I already talked to Billie Boy Barr and he told me, ‘Laws are for chumps.’” Stone smiled his wicked grin and continued.

“I don’t do law and order. That’s fiction you see on TV. Screw that. I’ve got work to do. I’ve got to get Trump elected in November. We’re going to run on a platform of cleaning up corruption in America and draining the swamp. And who are better guys to do that than me and Donald J. Trump?”

With that, Stone opened his umbrella and flew away.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.