Author: PD Scullin

Senators Susan Collins, Lamar Alexander, and Lisa Murkowski did not vote for impeachment in the trial of President Trump because they believe he had learned his lesson and would straighten up and fly right. The ‘bad boy’ would obey the rule of law.

Silly senators!

Yesterday, Trump unleashed his fury by cutting the ribbon on his enemy’s list and vowed revenge for those he believes have slighted him.

“It’s very unfair what these people have done,” Trump said after cutting the ribbon on his list. “The people listed here are scum, human garbage, evil bastards hellbent on hurting me. They don’t like that I’m making America great again. They want to destroy me because they want to destroy America. I won’t let it happen. I’m very brave and smart and stable. Everyone says so.”

Trump has signed an executive order forming 50,000 Justice Seeker Squads–– teams of 100 angry goons, hooligans, and hoodlums armed with bats, shivs, broken bottles, and semi-automatic weapons.

“I have instructed my Justice Seekers to show no mercy,” the president said looking at his daughter Ivanka and drooling. “Each Squad will be given pages of the list. If someone’s name is on the list, that person is guilty of treason and has got to pay. And the price is going to be steep, let me tell you. Very steep.”

Attorney General Bill Barr and Senator Mitch McConnell fully support the president in his battle for justice.

“He’s the president, so we must obey,” said McConnell. “Our hands are tied on this.” The sly fox smiled and cooed with his warble throat.

Trump’s enemies list, which he describes as “much bigger and much better than Nixon’s,” consists of over 48,987,600 names in 4-pt. type. The Lint Screen is #5 on the list. #5 with a bullet.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Billy Boy Barr, the so-called Attorney General of the United States, is one happy camper these days.

“The bossman says I’m doing a tremendous job, a fantastic job,” Barr says, puffing his chubby cheeks like a ravenous squirrel at an all-you-can-eat acorn buffet. “Getting some sugar from the big chief himself tickles me pink.”

Trump recently tweeted Roger Stone was facing extreme sentencing for being a loyal patriot and doing nothing wrong. The big man suggested the Justice Department should do something about Stone’s dire situation.

Enter Barr. 

Almost immediately, the legal lapdog rescinded the sentencing recommendation brought forth by people in his own department–– sentencing that was within recommended guidelines.

“People can bellyache all they want,” Barr defiantly told The Lint Screen. “But recommended guidelines don’t mean diddly-squat when the skipper doesn’t like them and thinks they’re harsh. He’s the top dog of the nation, and it’s my job to do his will no matter what. My job is to protect and serve our glorious leader.”

Barr recommended Stone receive a sentence of one-night detention after school. “That seems pretty fair,” he said. “If you want to play hardball, maybe even say he has to go to bed without a snack.”

The A.G. believes the real problem with law in America is that it’s often grossly unjust.

“You can and should treat two people differently for the same crime if one of those people is a friend of the president,” he said. “Connections are important. Networking is everything. And remember, the president can never, ever commit a crime. He’s like God, only handsomer because he’s clean-shaven so his mug is always kissing-smooth.”

Barr believes too many American laws are based on the U.S. Constitution.

“Have you seen that old piece of paper? It’s as yellow as a snickerdoodle’s urine in fresh snow. ‘We the people’ is an outdated concept. We’re not all the same people. I mean, look at El Hefe–– Donal Trump was a T.V. superstar. He won the presidency in the largest landslide in American history. Do you think he should be treated the same as some bozo whacked out on goofballs or a treasonous jerk trying to vote for a Democrat in an election? Don’t be stupid. Trump is the big cheese.”

Barr said he is anxiously waiting for a tweet from his commander to dispatch justice for Bob Mueller, Adam Schiff, Jerry Nadler, and anyone else who investigated his  ‘all-powerful, mighty master.’

“And when the head honcho gives me the green light, I’ll dispense frontier justice.” Barr smiles. “The rule of law is whatever we say it is. Get over it.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

When pint-sized yokel Jess Sessions was the Attorney General, ‘Lil Donnie Trump always bellyached, “Where’s my Roy Cohn? Wah-wah-wah!” But those days are long gone now that portly Bill Barr is in the saddle.

The top justice man was mightily impressed last night with Trump’s State of The Union Address.

“His words were like pure poetry,” he said, “he melted my clogged heart. The president is the greatest leader ever, he says it all the time–– but I was especially knocked out by the performance of Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi.”

Following Trump’s speech, Pelosi took her copy and tore Trump’s hunky-dory gospel to shreds. It was an impressive display of defiance.

“That girl is a regular confetti-making machine,” Barr said as he ate a deep bowl of butterscotch pudding.

Barr was so impressed with her performance, he approached Pelosi after the SOTU and “made her an offer she couldn’t refuse–– she can spend the rest of her time in Congress working as a shredder for the Justice Department. I told her we’ll pay you a cool billion dollars a year. What’s it matter? No cares about deficits anymore. They only apply when Democrats are in office.”

The Attorney General said that ever since he has assumed the role of AG, he has had trouble keeping up with the president.

“The man generates a huge paper trail of his shady activities,” the top cop said, “and I have to make them all disappear. I can’t tell you how many paper shredders we’ve burned-out. But with Pelosi on the job, I think we can finally keep pace. In a couple of weeks, Nancy’s arms will look like Popeye on a spinach bender!”

Pelosi told The Lint Screen she wasn’t interested in Barr’s generous offer at first. “But then I thought, what’s it matter–– the GOP Senate will let Trump do whatever he wants anyway. I might as well make a buck on this thing and get some good cardio.”

Bill Barr nipped into a rack of ribs. “Just call me Cohn. Roy Cohn.”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

If there were a Mt. Rushmore of great broadcast journalists, Sean Hannity’s handsome chiseled mug would reside between Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow.

Hannity has been reporting on the disturbing “rat-like treasonous betrayal” of John Bolton to America’s bestest leader ever, President Donald J. Trump.

“Bolton is a traitor,” Hannity told The Lint Screen. “He is going to publish his tell-all book about his time in the White House. Well, there’s something he doesn’t reveal–– the president doesn’t even know who this Bolton joker is! I showed the president a picture of Bolton and Trump said he had never seen the guy before in his life. So you tell me–– what kind of tell-all book can you believe when it’s written by a total stranger?! The book is obviously a pack of lies.”

Hannity gets red in the face as he continues. 

“I keep hearing that John Bolton is a flaming San Francisco liberal who smokes Maryjane-reefer-joint-doobie-trippy stick cigarettes and listens to loud rock and roll music with Satanic messages. I think he wears flowers in his hair and in his bushy mustache. A lot of people say Bolton has been working with that Kenyan Obama, plus the dastardly duo Joe and Hunter Biden. They’re all trying to overthrow America and erase the 63-million patriots who elected Trump.  That’s what this impeachment sham is all about. It’s not about Trump, it’s about cheating you! Looney liberals like Bolton are trying to ignore the will of the people–– hard-working factory workers, minimum wage workers, and farmers enjoying the greatest economy in the history of the world. People have never been richer, or happier. I’ll tell you, it’s disgusting, absolutely disgraceful what Bolton is doing.”

But Hannity was just getting warmed up.

“I’ll bet Bolton doesn’t even believe in God. That’s how he’s able to lie and slander the man who was chosen by God Himself to lead his people to the promised land. Trump brought peace to the Middle East and got North Korea to give up nuclear weapons. He makes America great here and around the world. But does he get credit for it? No, because everyone’s against him. Look, Bolton is probably in cahoots with Crooked Hillary–– they’re a couple of no-goodniks dedicated to killing the American way of life. They want to take hot dogs, baseball, and mom’s apple pie and throw them in the trash so they can watch R-rated movies, drop acid, pop goofballs, and buy birth control!”

Hannity is winding down, his face goes from beet red to Celtic hot pink.

“Bolton’s book, and all books for that matter, need to be burned. There are too many lies in books. Thank goodness the president will soon announce his executive order for book burning.”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Sen. Mitch McConnell is one crafty rascal.

“I’m like an episode of Law and Order –– I want justice and good acting with supportive sponsors,” the debonair silver fox cooed to The Lint Screen.

Here are the rules he has drafted for the upcoming Senate impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump.

1. All Senators must pledge allegiance to the President before the trial starts, those who refuse will be considered treasonous and sent to the gallows for immediate execution
2. There shall be no references to The American Constitution, a document that is hopelessly outdated and difficult to understand
3. “Shifty Adam Schiff” must be muzzled at all times with hands and feet bound
4. There shall be no questions about perfect phone calls made by the President, those who dare question his actions will be guilty of treason and sent to the gallows for immediate execution
5. There shall be no evidence allowed about the President trying to influence foreign governments to interfere with American elections, to do so would be against the free market system for which we stand
6. “Facts” will be inadmissible to minimize paperwork and keep our planet green
7. There shall be no witnesses or documents introduced in the trial, an overload of information will confuse Senators
8. Democrats must use Jeopardy rules–– no questions are permitted, ever!
9. Vladimir Putin will be allowed to testify as a character witness for the President
10. All Senators must cast a “not guilty” vote for impeachment, to do otherwise will be treasonous, and offenders will be sent to the gallows for immediate execution

McConnell is confident with these rules in place the public can witness justice in America.

He chortled, and his neck warbled like Jell-O in an earthquake.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Say what you will about partisanship in Washington, but one guy has always played it straight down the line–– South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.

The 17-year veteran of the Senate Chambers is livid about the impeachment of President Donald John Trump.

“It makes my blood boil,” he says sparkling those dreamy baby blues. “These Democrats are wasting taxpayer money with this ridiculous impeachment mess. It’s like they’re not even listening to the president–– he’s said it a thousand times–– the whole thing is a sham, a hoax. He did nothing wrong. A perfect call. Perfect!“

Graham tells The Lint Screen he has a simple solution to make quick work of the impeachment trial–– change our government!

“Look, Trump has done an incredible job,” the strikingly handsome man says in that smooth bourbon-voice that could melt chocolate. “He has always been a straight shooter, a man of honor and integrity. He says our economy is the best it’s ever been, and the beautiful wall he’s building is keeping us safe from illegals, there’s peace in the Middle East thanks to him, he licked China in the trade war, everyone’s richer than they’ve ever been before, and he even started Space Force, so we’ll dominate the whole cotton-pickin’ universe. Whew!”

The Ken doll catches his breath and continues.

“By any measure, Trump is most definitely the greatest leader in the history of the world. It seems to me that his being president is way too small a role for him.”

Graham leans in, his breath fragrant from an Altoid or peppermint Lifesaver, and continues with his eyes twinkling like excited stars.

“The presidency is too limiting for Donald J. Trump. Elections every four years, only two terms, three branches of government––why that’s just silly! We need to make him our Emperor and almighty ruler. If we do that now, we can eliminate this sham of an impeachment trial and get rid of the Senate and House of Representatives. Trump will just put Jared or Ivanka in charge of lawmaking. They’re smart cookies.”

The ‘aw-shucks-I’m-just-a-country-lawyer’ leans back in his seat and extends those long legs of his, showing a little smooth calf from where his cashmere socks don’t ride so high.

“Almighty Ruler Trump solves all our problems. We don’t have to waste money on trials, lawmakers, elections–– any of that crap. We simply trust in his good judgment. He’s a very stable genius, you know.”

Graham smiles that million-dollar friend-maker and you can hear your heart thump in your chest.

“I think it’s the only solution to making America great again. And I will be happy to serve our fantabulous leader in any way I can.”

As he leaves the room, a seductive masculine musk scent wafts gently through the air. His brilliant idea makes a lot of sense.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.