This guy is nuts. He just babbles on and on. Does he ever tell the truth? Can he tell the truth?
He’s like a petulant child, a spoiled rich brat with his toy army men he moves around. He acts like mister tough guy. Right–– ol’ bone spurs McGee.
I can’t think of a worse guy to have in the foxhole with me. He’d sell you out in a heartbeat.
Wow, listen to that–– he actually found a way to blame Obama. Unbelievable. Let it go, Donnie–– you’re the president now, not Obama. Not Hillary. You. Act like a damn president instead of a sore winner.
Please–– shut the hell up and go back to your ivory tower. And for God’s sake, quit your goddamn Tweeting. You’re going to get us all killed, you nincompoop.
Joltin’ Joe is cruising America looking for young voters to “join my shindig.”
You might not think a 77-year-old guy would be hip to the happenings of America’s youth, but you’d be wrong, daddy-O!
Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been cruising the country on his “No Malarkey” bus looking to attract voters of all ages–– especially the young ‘uns.
“Gee whillikers,” Biden tells The Lint Screen, “I don’t want folks to have a cow or blow a gasket because I’m over 30.” He laughs.
“You know, the hippie kids used to say ‘Don’t trust anyone over 30’ in the 60s. Man, they were being crabby Appletons. I say, chill, dudes. Puff on a MaryJane reefer cigarette and kick up your heels. Dig my vibe. It’s all hunky-dory.”
Biden rides on his “No Malarkey” bus and pontificates on the state of the country.
“Consarn it all,” the leading Democratic Party candidate declares, “Donald Trump is nothing but slapdash tomfoolery and jiggery-pokery. Anyone who knows his onions knows that most of the hot air coming out of his piehole is just pure balderdash and fiddle-faddle. I want people to know Joe stands for being a straight shooter. When I say no malarkey, I mean no tickety-boo or hijinks ever!”
The effervescent politician knows he has to do a better job of reaching younger voters.
“Kids these days are different, dagnabbit,” Joe says, stroking his chin. “They can go to the picture show, play rock and roll on the HiFi, or plop in front of the ‘ol Philco anytime. And now, with this world wide web thing on the computer machines, well, darn near anything is available any old time. That’s a lot of competition for attention.” Biden flashes his million-dollar smile and continues.
“But my Dad used to say to me; he’d say, ‘Joe if you want to be successful in politics, you better have the gumption to do whatever it takes to make people believe you’re the bee’s knees. Roll up your sleeves, press the flesh, and let them know the cut of your jib. Because until someone thinks you’re the cat’s meow, brother, you’ve got your work cut out for you.’”
Biden gives a sad smile.
“I sure do miss my Pops,” he says. “He spoke the truth as refreshing as putting your head in the Frigidaire icebox on a hot day.”
Joe brightens up.
“Hey, Frankie,” he shouts to the bus driver. “Let’s 23 Skidoo and find some kids to rap with!”
And with that, the door closes, and the wheels of the bus go round and round.
Keep your peepers peeled for the No Malarkey tour.
On Christmas Eve, three wise men came bearing gifts for their lord.
To hear President Donald J. Trump tell it, his life as the nation’s savior mirrors that of Jesus Christ.
“And nervous Nancy is like what’s his name–– Punky Pilot,” the Donald told The Lint Screen. “She sentences the grown-up Jesus, that’s me, to death with her phony, fake, very unfair impeachment. But, on Christmas eve, I was like little baby Jesus, and I was visited by three wise guys who carried great gifts.”
Trump says rather than sleeping in a manger, he was staying at Mar-A-Lago. “The beds are much better than a pile of hay. Sure, the beds here have a few bedbugs, but nothing too bad.” He continued.
“I have been treated very badly by the Democrats,” he said. “Their impeachment is a total witch hunt. It’s awful what they’re doing to me for making a perfect call.”
But, like the Christ child, he did not despair.
The President said while he was enjoying a slice of chocolate cake (“the most beautiful cake you’ve ever seen”), he was approached by Senator Mitch McConnell, Sen. Lindsay Graham, and Representative Kevin McCarthy.
“They appeared like visions from out of nowhere. They said they came from a faraway land called Washington,” the president said. “And they were bearing great gifts for their savior and redeemer. For they love me so much,” he said as his eyes got dewy.
“Mitch presented his testicles on a silver platter. Lindsay gave me his spine. And McCarthy, well, McCarthy gifted me with his integrity, which wasn’t much–– hardly anything at all, really––but it’s the thought that counts.”
The abused childlike president was thankful.
“It was a great gesture,” he said. “But the wise guys saved the best for last. They promised me the undying loyalty of the entire Republican party in supporting their king and overlord. And that’s quite a Christmas present, let me tell you.”
The president wiped his eye with his red silk tie. It fell to the floor and he composed himself.
“Of course, I would have preferred some gold. Lots of gold, actually. But, I forgive the cheap bastards.”
Donald John Trump will live forever in historybooks.
President Trump changes norms as often as parents change their baby’s diapers. And his latest achievement will firmly secure Trump’s place in history.
“The United States has had many presidents over its 2,000-year history,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “Only two presidents were ever impeached–– Andrew Jackson and Bill Clinton. And both of them did it in their second terms. I am about to be the third impeached president, and I did it in my very first term. That is proof I am the greatest leader of all time.”
When told that impeachment was bad for a president’s reputation, Trump became agitated.
“That’s bullshit. My impeachment is an achievement. It was a total witch hunt conducted by the Democrats. The only reason they’re doing it is that they know I can’t be beaten in the 2020 election. I am so popular in the U.S., I even have other countries wanting to help me. Russia, China, Ukraine, North Korea, and others are enthusiastic about helping me get re-elected. I guess being popular is a crime these days. How crazy is that?”
Trump is proud of all he has done since being elected.
“I’ve built 2,800 miles of a border wall that is over 1,000 feet tall, not even those giants from Game of Thrones can climb it. They tried, failed like dogs. And Mexico will pay for the wall. Believe it. And the average middle-class American will save $450,000 thanks to my tax cuts. I’ve kept all immigrants out of our country–– except for those foreigners who’ll help me win re-election. Thanks to Jared, we have peace in the middle east. And I formed Space Force, establishing America as the greatest country in the universe. And now, I’ve achieved impeachment much faster than any other president.”
The president thrust out his chest.
“Everyone says I’m a stable genius. Who could argue that? I will wear my impeachment as a badge of honor.”
“Comrade Trump doing fantastic job,” the red ruski powerbroker told The Lint Screen. “I see your countrymen like him much better than Abe Lincoln. Trump much better than all presidents!”
“Democrats try to destroy him,” he said in onion and tobacco breath. “They hate America, work with Ukraine and hide server. Wish to upset great American election. But Trump protect your country, make great again. He is great leader. Strong. Handsome. Good teeth. Has hot wife, hot daughter. Great man.”
Russia’s Foreign Minister is a big fan of the Fox News Channel. “Hannity, Laura, Judge Jeanine, Fox and Friends–– they are all great truthtellers. Americans should only watch Fox and believe them. All other news is Ukraine propaganda. If it is not on Fox News or said by president, it is wrong.”
The Russian leader wonders why more Americans do not hate Democrats. “They are bad people. Make Americans flush toilet many times. Ten, fifteen, one hundred times. Poo still not go away. Trump wants one flush. Only one flush. For this Democrats wish to remove him from office. They are evil. Vote Trump 2020. Protect America. Make poo go bye-bye.”
Sergey Lavrov may have just coined Trump’s new election slogan.
A divided nation unites and enjoys a wild ride across America.
Come enjoy a more perfect union of the United States as a young man searches for himself working as an advance man for a traveling circus.
It’s 1982. There are no cell phones, no internet, no digital hysteria. 23-year-old Paul Driscoll is fate’s punching bag. His father recently died, he gets fired from his job, and his girlfriend dumps him like nuclear waste.
Desperate for money, the copywriter becomes a promoter with a traveling circus—- and in his first town, falls in love.
Katherine Flynn-Ryan is a divorced mother harboring a dark family secret. She falls for Paul, and although she knows the circus man will soon leave, he promises he’ll return to her after the season.
Paul travels America with angry clowns, wild, eccentric characters, and egomaniacal performers. He struggles remaining faithful while resisting the aggressive pursuit of his boss and taming his libido.
When Paul finishes his circus tour and returns to Katherine, he learns their relationship could cost him his life.
Sawdust: Love is wilder than a circus crackles with unforgettable characters and humor, plus revealing insights into circus life, the male psyche, and explorations of faith and self-discovery.
Here’s what readers are saying: “definitely 5 stars”… “a great novel”… “funny”… “I absolutely loved this book”… “written with the humanity and humor of Vonnegut”… “I could not put this humorous yet emotionally cutting book down”… “The ending will delightfully disturb you”… “I highly recommend”… you get the drift. It’s an enjoyable escape from our troubled times.
Your soon-to-be favorite book is now available on Amazon, or, order from your local bookstore. The audiobook version will be available soon, the best companion for a long trip or daily commute.
