On Tuesday, The First Lady looked on as her husband pardoned turkeys.
What a difference a day makes.
Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump was all smiles as he gave his official pardon to two turkeys named Bread and Butter at a formal White House garden ceremony. Today, the president rescinded his pardon and sentenced the birds to death.
“I joked yesterday that the turkeys were receiving subpoenas from Adam Schiff,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “It was funny. Everyone loved it. Everyone loves my sense of humor. But this morning, I found out it was true–– the turkeys really were subpoenaed by Schiff, and they sang like birds. These turkeys are rats. They deserve to die. I can grant life, but guess what? I can also take it away. Bread and Butter are going to be in my belly tomorrow for their betrayal.”
Trump said he heard the turkeys claimed Russia interred with the 2016 election.
“Everyone knows that’s a lie,” the president said, getting red in his puss. “Ukraine did it, not Russia. Why would Russia interfere? Russia didn’t do it, Putin said so. He’s a great guy. Very honest.”
Trump continued the details on the plot against him.
“Ukraine still has the Democrat’s server with all the Biden dirt, Hillary’s emails, and all her Benghazi secrets, and the dirt on the Clinton pedophile pizza scandal. The server also has Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. The Democrats are trying to cover it up. These turkeys knew about it and are part of the conspiracy. Bread and Butter are never-Trumpers. They’ll find out how I deal with rats like them.”
Trump said he doesn’t care what public sentiment is about his decision to slaughter the previously pardoned tom turkeys.
“Bleeding hearts can whine and cry all they want,” the big guy said. “I won’t stand for anyone telling lies about me. I don’t care if they are stupid birds. I’ll teach them not to sing.”
The president said he will have recently pardoned Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher to slaughter Bread and Butter.
“That guy owes me,” Trump said. “I saved his bacon and now I want him to do me a favor. I want those turkey traitors dead. Good and dead.”
An elated President Trump sings his freedom song as he is exonerated.
Yesterday was a big one for President Donald J. Trump and GOP patriots defending the Constitution and rule of law.
As the evil, America-hating Democrats continued their circus charade of trying to impeach the country’s greatest president, they heard a bombshell. U.S. Ambassador to the European Union Gordon Sondland testified that he spoke directly with the president who told him repeatedly “No quid pro quo.”
“That’s it,” a confident Trump told The Lint Screen and reporters from less reputable media outlets. “Case closed. I said ‘no quid pro quo.’ Nothing to see here folks. The Democrats have lost.”
Trump said he doesn’t know who Sondland is.
“They tell me he’s an ambassador or something,” the president said. “I don’t know about that, but if he talked to me I guess I talked to him. And I obviously told him not to break the law. See? It just goes to show I uphold American values with everyone I meet, even total strangers. It’s called moral character, people.”
The Democrats have been clutching at straws as they try and make a case that the president tied desperately-needed military aid to Ukraine in return for an agreement to investigate political rival, Joe Biden.
“Why would I do that?” the president asked. “I don’t even know this–– what’s his name–– Joe Biden, is that it? They tell me he’s running for president or something. I don’t know about that. Is he? Who has time to watch the news when you’re running the world’s greatest country? Look, I’m too busy doing my job to bother with such things.”
Trump also claims he doesn’t know anything about Ukraine.
“They tell me it’s a country,” he said. “I don’t know, maybe it is. But why would I care about it? Ukraine is a funny name.”
“Thank God for Team Trump,” the president said. “If we didn’t have them protecting us from the looney liberals and enforcing the Constitution, America would be like a third world banana republic. By the way, I’m announcing that Mike Pompeo will be stepping down as Secretary of State. He’s done a terrific job. Thanks, Mike. He’ll be replaced by Ivanka Trump, someone who knows world affairs better than anyone. She’s also very hot. Thank you, everyone,” Trump said as he boarded Helicopter One with a sheet of toilet paper stuck on the bottom of his shoe.
The legal mastermind presents a compelling case–– will he be denied?
California produces a lot of nuts, but none as hard as Rep. Devin Nunes (R). This sucker won’t crack no matter how hard the pressure gets!
Nunes dropped by The Lint Screen offices to discuss the recent opening of the impeachment inquiry into President Donald J. Trump and his defense strategy to protect his master.
“The liberals are clutching at straws,” Nunes says as he lights a Virginia Slim Menthol. “They have been trying to get Trump from day one when they absconding half of his inaugural crowd. Whisked Trump fans away in unmarked buses, then snapped pictures to make it look like he had a much smaller crowd than Obama. They’re cheaters, but the president caught them!”
Nunes begins hotboxing his cigarette as he continues to rant.
“Now they’re falsely claiming the president did something wrong in his call to Ukraine. Didn’t they hear him say the call was perfect? Why would he lie? He never lies. It was a perfect call. Case closed. Look, everyone knows Joe and Hunter Biden have a ton of dirt on them. Piles of dead bodies, child porn, missing pets, sex trafficking, beating orphans, strangling old ladies for their social security checks, selling out of date cough syrups–– all kinds of bad stuff. The president’s trying to clean up corruption. We should be thanking him for Pete’s sake.”
The pudgy congressman snuffs out his smoke and lights another.
“Ukraine has a server with all of Hillary’s emails, including how she rigged the popular vote in 2016 to get 5,000,000 illegals registered and voting for her. The emails detail her devious Benghazi plan to kill Americans, and how if elected she was going to name herself dictator and enslave Americans and have them remove all the Jesuses from all the crosses in America–– even on necklaces! Trump wanted to get that server and bring Hillary to justice.”
Nunes begins hyperventilating. He huffs into a paper bag, collects himself, and lights another Slim.
“We are going to expose the Democrats for the charlatans they are. Obama was a Kenyon, Biden is part of a notorious crime family, Hillary is pure evil, and Adam Schiff is Satan in a suit. Trump is the chosen one and must be protected at all costs. Otherwise, we will lose the rule of law and decency in our country. God wouldn’t have sent Trump if He didn’t have a mission for our president to fulfill.”
“I’ll continue showing the world the GOP stands for integrity, truth, and justice,” he says as he begins hacking up dark mucus. ‘Where’d I put my smokes?” he asks.
“I feel sorry for your president,” Putin said as he skinned a kitten with a buck knife. “The fake news treats him very badly. Why does Trump allow free press? He should eliminate journalists. It simplifies life.”
“Your system of government is stupid,” he said. “Why two parties? One party is stronger. And why does Trump allow dissenters? He should imprison people who stand against him. Torture them. Kill if necessary. They must pay a price for disobedience.”
The Russian leader is also not a fan of Ukraine.
“It is a very bad country,” he said. “We will beat them in war and take over. We will improve Ukraine. We also will improve Middle East. I do not want anyone getting hands dirty on oil. Russia will clean up oil in Middle East. We like to help.”
Putin reports he talks to Trump frequently.
“I call to cheer him up,” he said, as he starts whittling an adorable puppy. “I tell him he is doing excellent job. Makes me proud. Sometimes, I conference call with patriots Sean Hannity or Mitch McConnell. They are good men. I like them.”
Putin flashes his devil-may-care smile.
“Donald Trump is a great leader. He is making your country great again. Your people should worship him. Why don’t they? It is horrible how bad he is treated. If my people did not worship me, I would eliminate them. I solve problems, Trump should do same. He would be happier.”
Putin saw the reporter suppress a yawn and ended the interview. The scribe has been missing since.
If you see a reporter wearing a fedora with a PRESS card in the brim, please call our offices. He has some deadlines to meet.
“The Evil One” conjures her black magic to attack a true patriot–– Donald Trump!
Leave it to the “do-nothing Democrats!”
The Republicans have been working hard to solve high drug prices, healthcare costs, crumbling infrastructure, skyrocketing national debt, guns, and opioids while the liberals are working hard to rid America of its greatest president!
Their beef seems to be with the president’s perfect call held with the leader of Ukraine. The Dems are having a hissy fit because the prez withheld Congressionally-approve funds for Ukraine in their war against Russia until Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky promised to investigate the very illegal shenanigans of Joe and Hunter Biden.
A lot of people are saying the Bidens are bad hombres.
Democrats think there is something wrong with a president engaging a foreign country in interfering with American politics by finding dirt on his rival. How incredibly naive!
Imagine if Obama had done the same thing–– Republicans wouldn’t care a whit. Why make a mountain out of a molehill?!
The Dems are so stupid they don’t realize Trump is playing Putin like a fiddle. He assisted the Russian leader by delaying Ukraine funds for weapons in their war against Russia. NowPutin will be forever in debt to America, thanks to the brilliance of Trump! Then, the stable genius president tricked the Russian leader into gaining a strong foothold in Syria.
Mueller wrote a 458-page report praising President Trump. People who have read it say Mueller declared there was absolutely no conspiracy or collusion and that Trump ran an immaculate campaign and is the most exceptional world leader in history.
But the libs weren’t happy to leave well enough alone. NO! So they’ve begun their greatest witch hunt ever against a patriot who only has perfect calls.
Obviously, the Dems want to open our borders to murders and rapists, feed our populace fistfuls of overpriced opioids, and smoke “jazz cigarettes” while beating their bongoes and snapping their frail fingers.
The Lint Screen calls the behavior of the liberals disgraceful! Get a real job, you bums!!!
Brave citizens storm the SCIF to save our president and democracy!
The Lint Screen has secured the private journal of Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan who led a band of fearless patriots in yesterday’s storming of a SCIF (sensitive compartmented information facility) in the Capitol.
Weds., 10/23/19
A sleepless night. Met yesterday with Fearless Leader in The White House. The Chief was upset and angry. Said no one was fighting for him. Said lawless democrats are trying to lynch him. Very unfair. Wants action, a show of support from his troops.
I told him I would lead the cause with a band of bloodthirsty patriots. We would storm the SCIF where rebel Adam Schiff and his treasonous tribe were having secret meetings–– torturing witnesses to get false statements against Our President. I told the Skipper not to worry–– we had his back. And we would WIN!
My impassioned speech cheered his spirits. He smiled. I left.
Last night I tossed and turned. Was I up for this dangerous mission? In the middle of the night, I called my troops. “Bring your smartphones, fully charged, cameras at the ready–– we’re going in at 0955 hours.” I steeled my resolve and told them the truth: “Some of you might not make it out alive. Be sure your affairs are in order.”
It’s hard to be a leader, knowing you’re sending troops into harm’s way, but I believe 100% honesty is the only way to earn their respect.Candy coating bad news leads to decay.
Early this morning I tried choking down a bowl of oatmeal. I couldn’t. My heart was in my throat, beating like Buddy Rich on goofballs. Am I up for this war?
Arriving at the Capitol, my troops assemble. I review them. I straighten ties, “Full Windsors, men!”, brush lint off suit jackets, and demand they groom their hair to perfection. “The fake news media will be there,” I said. “I want everyone looking their best.”
I inspect their weapons. One soldier (Steve Scalise)did not have his cellphone battery at 100% charge. “For God’s sake, man,” I barked, “get that weapon fully loaded. I’m not sending anyone into battle without a full metal jacket. It’d be a suicide mission!”
He scattered to an electrical outlet. What was he thinking coming to battle unprepared? I can’t have his blood on my hands!
0955 hours. We begin our attack–– descending the stairs of the Capitol building. Into the bowels of secrecy. Satan Schiff’s lair.
“Be careful, men!” I shout. “I don’t want anyone slipping and breaking their neck.” I realize I have a couple of women in my army. Why do women have to always try and do men’s work? Can’t they be happy having babies, cooking for their men, and keeping house?
“You girls mind your steps, too,” I say. “I don’t want you falling off your high heels and causing us to fall like dominoes down the steps!”
I’m tired of always being politically correct. But, that’s today’s army.
We make it down the stairs. No casualties. Thank God! We assemble on the ground floor.
“Be brave, everyone,” I tell my troops. “Steel your resolve. Remember what we are fighting for–– the survival of Donald J. Trump, America’s greatest leader ever. Know that each of you is a true patriot. Should you fall in battle, you will always be remembered as that. Now, I’ll give you a few moments to say a prayer, and then it’s go-time. May God have mercy on us and grant us victory in our just cause.”
We all bowed our heads knowing our words were going straight through the Pearly Gates and into God’s ears. We were doing His work for we were fighting for The Chosen One He sent us to save the world!
My hands were shaking. I took a deep breath and gave myself a silent pep talk.
“All right, troops!” I shouted. “Weapons at the ready. Charge!”
The troops raised their smartphones, cameras ready for battle. We marched forward. At the doors of the SCIF, we encountered security forces.
“Let us in! Let us in! Let us in!” we chanted as we stormed the fort. The fighting was intense, I feared some troops might lose their voices.
Finally, after intense shouting and shoving, we penetrated the perimeter. VICTORY! We began attacking, filming the secret democrat meeting. The battle raged on. I noticed Mark Meadows, Louie Gohmert, Matt Gaetz, and others fighting bravely. With honor, valor, commitment. My heart swelled with pride. I had trained them well.
After hours of fierce fighting the evil democrat forces, we began losing our strength. We were peckish. Hungry. Ravished.
I lept into action! Using my smartphone as a phone (yes, it CAN be done!), I ordered pizza for the troops.
“Listen up, you minimum wage serf,” I barked into my phone at the kid taking my order. “Step on it, you snot-nosed punk! We need those pizzas yesterday! Our brave patriots are fighting for your freedom!!!”
The pizzas were delivered. Our troops attacked the pies with the same vigor and intensity they had shown in battle. Nourished, we went back to war.An army travels on its belly and a bellyful of pepperoni, sausage and onion pizza is hard to beat.
After almost a five-hour siege, I called a retreat. We would go to the microphones and address the nation.
Fearless Leader saw us on TV. He called me and complimented us for fighting on his behalf.He said he appreciated my bravery and leadership.
“Thank you, sir,” I said, my eyes filling with tears of pride and joy. “We will do anything to support and defend your honor. Your word is gospel, and your moral compass set to true north. We will always defend you and preach your glories.”
He hung up. I collapsed, exhausted. My day done. I wonder what hellfire the democrats might deliver us tomorrow.
