South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham worships President Donald J. Trump, and he blames the devil himself for the impeachment inquiry underway.
“I’ve had it with Satan,” Graham told The Lint Screen. “God put Donald Trump here to save America and save humanity. But the dark forces of hell have put Democrats in Washington, and let me tell you, these sumbitches are hellbent on destroying America by destroying the president’s good name.“
Sen. Graham has been a longtime advocate and golfing buddy of the president.
“I know it might have sounded like I was critical of the president’s decision last week to betray the Kurds and give Syria to Assad, Putin, and Iran, but that was really the fake news media putting words in my mouth. I loved that heroic decision to cut and run and help our enemies! It was unexpected and brilliant. I think Donald Trump is incapable of making a bad decision. He is perfect. A perfect president who always has perfect conversations.”
Sen. Graham wants to take action against Satan.
“I plan on writing legislation to stop the Democrats from doing the Dark One’s bidding. I want to nip this Satan problem right in the bud. We must save our president, he is the chosen one!”
Lindsey Graham drops to his knees as President Trump enters the office.
The commander-in-chief saves Thanksgiving Day for America!
While the rest of the world stood aghast at President Trump’s decision to greenlight Turkey for a Syrian invasion, the master of brilliant strategy revealed his thinking.
Trump stopped by The Lint Screen offices and propped his wingtips up on a desk and told us his rationale behind the Turkey go-ahead.
“I made this decision to save Thanksgiving,” the great one said. “I know how much Americans love turkey, and I want every American to enjoy turkey on Thanksgiving Day.”
The president went on to explain that the country of Turkey is critical to the success of American Thanksgiving.
“A lot of people don’t know this,” he said between sips of Diet Coke, “but turkeys come from Turkey. There’s are parts of Turkey called Butterball, Honeysuckle White, and Fresh Turkey. They grow great birds. Delicious birds. And the deal I made with Turkey’s President Erdogan was simple–– I said, go ahead, my fine strong, manly friend–– invade Syria, kill all the Kurds, let the Russians in, and let all the ISIS prisoners go free. But in return, I want turkeys for America! And some Turkish taffy. Banana flavored. I like banana. And maybe a Turkish towel. White. He agreed. It was such a good deal. An amazing deal.”
“Nasty Nancy whined about us not supporting the Kurds,” he said. “Why should I be nice to the Kurds? The Kurds are bad people. Very bad. They’ve done some awful things. And they were planning to invade Turkey and wipe out all the turkeys for our American Thanksgiving. Imagine Thanksgiving without turkey? Not on my watch!”
Trump shakes his head in disbelief, then continues.
“And as for ISIS, that’s no big deal. ISIS terrorists will just go home to Europe. They will probably retire. I defeated ISIS. No one else could have done that. But I did it. ISIS knows the battle is over. Trump wins! Game over. No more terrorism!”
The first daughter believes everyone must forge their own path to success.
Ivanka Trump is the apple of her father’s eye. As the president has said, he’d probably date her if she wasn’t his daughter.
And everyone knows, Donald J. Trump has a keen eye for the ladies!
But perhaps the sexiest thing about Ivanka is not her perfect 10-bod, but her massive brain (what else would you expect coming from the loins of a very stable genius?). Truly Ivanka is a brilliant, sexy businesswoman who has made her own way.
“It’s outrageous Hunter Biden capitalized on his father’s name,” Ivanka told The Lint Screen. “I honestly believe I’m a better person because I am self-made and wasn’t granted favors by my successful father. I wanted to be me, pull myself up by the bootstraps, and find my own way. Success, if not a sexually-transmitted disease, people share. Each of us must earn it.”
And earn it she has! Ivanka is a mover and a shaker whether it’s paving new stylish inroads on runways of the fashion world, or commanding respect in the corridors of political power–– from Washington, D.C., to G-8 summits, to Air Force One.
Ivanka said she and her siblings were all instilled with an ambitious drive for excellence and appreciation of hard work at an early age.
“Because Daddy was a self-starter himself, he wanted to share the gift of enjoying hard work with us,” she recalls with her big dewy, dreamy brown eyes. “Daddy came from very humble beginnings. He wasn’t given anything.”
Indeed! The story of Donald J. Trump is now legendary–– how he was born into abject poverty and once admitted to his father, he had chopped down a cherry tree. The little boy “was beaten to within an inch” of his life by his father. “It was very unfair,” the president would recall in later life.
But the little boy dared to dream. With wooden blocks (made of cherry!), he built the prototype of a great building, and thus the skyscraper was born. Little Donnie Trump had changed the landscape of the world by taking buildings vertical–– offering the joys of his hard work to God in heaven who he loved so much.
In the process, he became the richest and most successful businessman ever. Clearly, his bombshell daughter is proud of her papa!
“Daddy raised us to learn the value of a dollar and respect hard work,” she said. “He would not allow us to fire a servant until we were eight-years-old! I didn’t get a black AmEx until I was almost sixteen. And poor Don Jr., he didn’t get his first Mercedes until he was eighteen. And Eric didn’t get a multi-million dollar real estate contract until he was nineteen.” She gives a wry laugh. “No one gave us anything, so we made our own way.”
Ivanka Trump thinks each person must find success on their terms, no matter what the obstacles.
“If you look at me, Don Jr., and Eric, you see ambitious people who have made their own ways all by themselves. We didn’t need handouts or ask for favors. And we certainly didn’t cash in on our father’s good name. But Hunter Biden was a parasite on his father, Joe Biden. He used the vice president’s name and power for his own benefit, and he profited by it. Hunter should be ashamed of himself. What a loser!”
No wonder Ivanka is daddy’s little dreamgirl. She has a moral compass that always points to true north. Who wouldn’t want to date her? She’s smokin’ hot and smart as a whip!
Anyone foolish enough to question Fearless Leader will pay!
Donald Trump is not known for his ego. Most would describe the president as shy, mild-mannered, or, intellectual.
But this understated egghead has had enough of people questioning him.
Trump recently announced an executive order that will charge anyone who disagrees or questions him “to be an enemy of the state and therefore treasonous.”
The penalty for treason is death!
“The president is tired of being mister nice guy,” Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s personal attorney told The Lint Screen. “He is the chosen one, the one God put here on earth to solve the world’s problems. So naturally, anyone who questions him questions God–– and should be cast to hellfire! What else can we do? Are we supposed to argue with our maker? Members of the fake media had better fall in line toot sweet.”
Giuliani, a shy and retiring man himself, believes doubters must be eliminated.
“Look, life is easy when you agree with all-knowing powers,” Rudy said. “Why would anyone ever doubt Donald J. Trump? The man has spent his entire career as a pillar of society. He has a moral compass second to none. Ethics are his middle name.”
Mr. Giuliani continued his chore of licking the president’s wingtips and was heard muttering, “You’re the best boss. The absolute best.”
Speaker of The House Pelosi gets crushed by Trump’s brilliant legal strategy.
The looney liberals have been returned to their asylum. Yesterday, they got schooled by President Donald J. Trump and put in their place.
White House legal sharpshooters sent an 8-page letter to the torch and pitchfork crowd in Congress and said, “Here’s our response to your stupid impeachment inquiry–– suck it. We ain’t playing.”
Speaker Nancy Pelosi and “shifty” Adam Schiff were blindsided by this brilliant move.
“I feel so foolish,” Pelosi told The Lint Screen. “The president has shut us down. We’re going to kill our investigation immediately.”
Sen. Adam Schiff was crying like a baby who lost his binky. “I knew President Trump is a great man and great leader,” Schiff said. “But I had no idea he was also a brilliant legal expert. We are losers.”
President Trump talked about his latest polling data.
But the Dems wouldn’t sit down and shut up. Their latest gambit was starting an impeachment inquiry over the president’s “perfect call” with the leader of Ukraine in July.
Fools!
The Constitution of the United States clearly states that if a president has a perfect call with a foreign country to investigate a political rival, it is legal.
Trump is praised by world leadersfor being the best president ever.
Donald J. Trump had a “perfect phone call” with Turkish President Erdogan on Sunday. Then, he made “an excellent decision”–– the U.S. would leave its allies the Kurds to go it alone in Syria.
“The Kurds are good people,” Trump said. “They helped us a lot in fighting ISIS. Something like 10,000 Kurds died. And we won–– I defeated ISIS. That was my idea. But now I’m bored with all the wars. And the Turkish president said we don’t need to be there, so, I’m pulling out. And that’s something I rarely do,” the president raised his eyebrows and punched this reporter’s arm.
“I almost never pull out–– get it?” he asked. “Like with a woman. Pulling out.” The president smiled at his clever naughtiness and continued.
“Some people are upset with my decision. They say I’m turning my back on our allies. That’s bullshit. Those people are very stupid and wrong. The Kurds can stand up for themselves. They’re adults. They’ll do fine on their own.”
With U.S. Troops leaving Syria, the Kurds left guarding ISIS prisoners now face their historical rivals, The Turks, as they invade the country. Foreign policy experts believe the Turkish army will slaughter the Kurds and release the ISIS prisoners re-igniting terrorist turmoils in the Mideast and worldwide.
“A lot of these fears are just speculation,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I don’t believe any of that bad stuff will happen. I think ISIS knows it lost fair and square and they will go back to their homeland, ISIS-Land–– which is up by Iceland and Greenland. By the way, Greenland, if you’re listening, I have such a deal to buy you. Call me. Let’s talk.”
The president seems very pleased with himself.
“After I made my decision to leave Syria, I heard from powerful, strong leaders in Turkey, Russia, and Iran telling me that I am a very great president. The best president ever. And they think I will be easily re-elected in 2020. They all promised to look into the Biden corruption problem. These leaders also said the impeachment is the biggest witch hunt ever. Everyone says so.”
Trump gazed lovingly into a mirror.
“You are the chosen one, Donald. You have great and unmatched wisdom.”
