Author: PD Scullin

Once upon a time, they were besties. Blood brothers. Donald and Rudy went together like peanut butter and jelly, but those days seem to have passed.

Now Trump’s former lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, is mystified by what is happening in Judge Juan M. Merchan’s Manhattan courthouse.

“They’ve finally brought Donald to trial in one of the many unfair witch hunts against him,” Rudy tells The Lint Screen. “I’ve always been President Trump’s attorney. He trusts me, but surprisingly, I haven’t received a call from Donald yet. I guess he must have lost my phone number. Mr. President, if you’re reading this, call directory assistance or look in the Greyhound station’s men’s room to find my number. Give me a call, and let me help you fight for justice! You know I’ve always been your number one dog!”

Rudy appears upset at being ghosted by a man he worshipped for so long.

“There has never been a better president than Donald Trump,” he says. “He was sent here by God to save America and the world. And to sell sneakers, my special Bibles, hats, and all kinds of MAGA crap. And he has never had a more loyal, dedicated supporter than me. I can’t figure out why he hasn’t given me a ring.”

Giuliani is also confused by recent reports of Trump’s mounting legal bills.

“They say President Trump has spent over $100 million for lawyers,” Rudy says, shaking his head. “And I’ve read he’s been paying cash up to his legal firms, but that can’t be right. Donald, I’ve sent you over 300 invoices for my expert legal services over the years, but I haven’t received one payment yet. I guess the checks could be in the mail.” He shrugs. “Then again, maybe Donald lost my address, too.”

Rudy smiles. “Donald, when you’re ready for the expert closer in your court case, I’ll be standing by in the bullpen. Give your boy a call, okay? I’m ready to go, champ!”

The pathetic man looks expectantly at his silent phone as a tear slowly rolls down his cheek.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

The man who attempted to overthrow a free and fair election is a true patriot––of Russia.

Disgraced twice-impeached, four times indicted, and convicted sexual abuser ex-President Donald J. Trump loves Mother Russia and its leader, President Vladimir Putin.

“My handsome overlord is very strong,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “All Russians love President Putin because he is so tough. Chinese President Xi Jinping is also very strong. He’s very loved by his people. And my wonderful friend, Kim Jong Un, who wrote me such beautiful letters, is worshipped by Koreans in every direction––North, South, East, and Left Korea––they all love him.”

Because these are the leaders Trump adores and emulates, he will not help anyone fighting their totalitarian encroachments.

“Ukraine must stop fighting Russia,” Trump pleads. “And the United States needs to sit down and shut up. Why should we spend money helping anyone trying to harm Russia? I have four or five major properties planned in Moscow and St. Petersburg. And if Ukraine surrenders, I might even build a Trump Hotel in Kyiv. Who knows––if Zelensky plays his cards right, I may even get him a bellhop job. He could earn some nice tips.”

Trump vows that once he gets back in office, he will make sure all Americans love him as much as his heroes are loved by their people.

“MAGA Nation has always been a welcoming place,” Trump explains. “All you have to do is worship me, take my word as law by Pledging Allegiance to Trump daily, and do exactly as you’re told. If everyone plays along, there will be no problems. But God help anyone who thinks otherwise. Because I won’t tolerate rebels. I promise there will be extreme punishment, retribution, and hell to pay. I want to build the strongest democracy the world has ever seen, and I can only do that with total obedience.”

Senior Good Squad Official Stephen Miller goose-steps into the office.

“Mein Fuhrer,” he says, “The Arby’s Beef ‘n Cheddars, Curly Fries, and Jamocha Shakes have arrived for your snack before the J6 Choir recording.”

“Thanks, Stephen,” Trump says, smiling. “That’s how you play Trump ball,” he says to the reporter.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced ex-president Donald J. Trump is a masterful salesman. From steaks to water, vodka, ribbed condoms, TOP SECRET classified documents, MAGA hats, and gold sneakers, Trump has pimped them all with the same conviction that almost seems truthful.

Now, the conman is pitching Bibles. Here is the script from his recent infomercial posted on his propaganda channel, Truth Social.

DJT: Hello, America. It’s me, your favorite president, Donald J. Trump. When I look around today, I see our great country is in shambles. Biden has driven us over the cliff. Unemployment has never been higher, the stock market’s never been lower, and the economy is in tatters. Everyone is fighting over rats to eat. It’s disgraceful. So I decided to do something about it.

I’ve written a good book, a very good book, and I want you to have it. I call it The Holy Trump Bible. I’ve always loved the Bible. I have copies of it everywhere in my mansions. I even have a Bible beside my copy of Mein Kampf on my nightstand. Although the Bible is my favorite book, that Adolf Hitler could write a good story, too. Very strong, very inspiring.

One night, I was reading the Bible and thought, this is a good book, but I can improve it. So I did that. How? By doing what our forefathers wanted––mixing religion with politics because they go together like peanut butter and chocolate.

I added the lyrics from Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” ––but I didn’t stop there. I also put in a copy of The Constitution, which I’ll ignore when I return to office. Then, I threw in the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the Pledge of Allegiance to make it super patriotic. You can almost hear me and my J6 Choir! They are such great patriots, and now they’re held hostage. Sad. Very sad.

I looked at what I created and thought, now that’s a much better book, but it’s still missing something. It needs a hero. So, I made one more revision.

I replaced all the references to Jesus Christ with Donald J. Trump. Jesus had his time, but this is my time to shine. He was never cheated out of an election like I was!

How much would you expect to pay for this incredible book? $50,000? $10,000? $1,800? No. I wanted to save you some cash.

I talked to my printer and had hardball negotiations. I said, “My people work hard for their money, and I want them to have my much better good book for only $59.99. And they said, “Okay, President Trump. You drive a hard bargain and are the greatest businessman ever. But to get that extra low price, the customer must pay for the shipping and handling.” And I said that sounded fantastic.

So, if you act now, you can get my all-new, much better, improved Holy & Patriotic Trump Bible for only $59.99, plus a nominal $399 for shipping and handling. Grab your credit card and order yours today!!!

Because we’re going to make America pray again. Pray, or we will cast your bloody, bullet-ridden corpse to hell.

Order your Trump Bible NOW and save your soul while you save America. Trust me. (HE WINKS AND GIVES A THUMBS UP.)

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump was beat but he’s not beaten.

“Joe Biden and the Democrat Party are a disaster,” the disgraced ex-president told a flock of his MAGA zombies in Ohio recently. “The election this November is all mine. I expect 100% of the vote, and I’m sure I’ll get it. If not, there will be a bloodbath. A bigly bloodbath, horrible carnage. And it will not be a very nice thing, I can tell you that.”

His goon squad cheered, holding their pitchforks and shaking lighted torches in the bright spring daylight.

“I was the greatest president ever,” the madman continued. “It’s not even close. Lincoln was crap. He was treated like a king compared to how they treat me. No one has suffered more than I have. Not even Jesus Christ. He had it easy. One and done, rise, go to heaven. But me? I get crucified daily. It’s hell. Not a very nice place. No one’s ever seen anything like it. But I take all their persecution for you. I suffer so you don’t have to.”

The crowd went wild, tearing effigies of presidents to shreds, stomping on their remains.

“Now they expect me to pay $464 million to a lying woman I don’t even know,” Trump whined. “And although I’m one of the richest people in the world, I want your support to show your dedication and appreciation for all I do for you. I need everyone here to sell all your possessions. Sell your home, your children, cars––EVERYTHING––and send the money to me so I can pay off this awful extortion. It is very unfair, what’s happening to me, but I will take their evil and unjust persecution to protect you. Why do I do it? Because I love you. I do. I really do. You can take that to the bank, trust me.”

His cult members began chanting, “Yes, we will give you all, mein messiah.”

Trump turned to an aide. “Can you believe this shit? It’s incredible what these rubes will buy.” He smiled.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

“Vote Trump 2024, and live,” he said, thrusting his fist into the air. “Now let’s recite the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump.”

Following her fatalistic response to President Joe Biden’s State of the Union Address, Alabama Republican Sen. Katie Britt became an instant global superstar. The reviews of her bombastic performance scaring Americans were breathless.

“A star is born,” raved GOP Starwatcher Magazine.

“Katie cooked Joe’s goose but good! Bravo, Queen of Doom and Gloom!!!” gushed MAGA Guns & Outrage Digest.

“My Bama Baby Katie is a very special person,” said disgraced ex-President Donald Trump. “I’m keeping an eye on her as a potential sister wife.”

Because of her instant celebrity, major product brands clamored to sign her as their spokesperson, and after intense negotiations, Sen. Britt decided to sign with The Coca-Cola Company.

“I’ve always cherished my Cokes,” Katie tells The Lint Screen. “I love that afterburn when I burp. It thrills me to no end!”

Here is a script of her first commercial for the Atlanta-based beverage brand.

KB: This is the kitchen table where my family and I have the tough conversations about what soda to drink. Like many Americans, we hold hands and pray for God’s guidance. And the Almighty told us there was really only one choice––genuine Coca-Cola products. He said that Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, and Shasta are Satan’s elixirs. Drinking those evil liquids will lead to eternal damnation in H-E-double hockey sticks. But enjoying refreshing, delicious Coca-Cola products guarantees safe passage through The Pearly Gates and a reserved seat at the right hand of God where His eternal banquet table serves flowing pitchers of ice-cold Diet Coke, Classic Coca-Cola, Coke Zero, or any of the other 4,214 flavor varieties. I can’t think of a happier reward. Do the right thing for your family and their souls––buy only Coca-Cola products for lip-smackin’ refreshments that last an eternity. (BURPS) Ahh, that’s the stuff.

Sen. Britt’s agent, Bobby Mercer Abbott, said the political star is also close to inking an endorsement deal with Adam & Eve Stores.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.