Author: PD Scullin

God obviously really loves America–– why else would He bless us with an honest, caring man who wants to spread the truth and set the record straight?

President Donald J. Trump stopped by The Lint Screen world headquarters and gave us the skinny on what Bob Mueller said in his recent congressional testimony.

“Mealymouth Mueller, that’s what I call him, Mealymouth, was a complete disaster. Mueller admitted he wasted taxpayer money with his one hundred percent fake witch hunt. He said he spent over one trillion dollars and bought cocaine and hookers, many of them underage I heard, and had big parties and burned stacks of cash. But ultimately, after over two and a half years, Mealymouth had to admit he and his team of angry, evil Democrats couldn’t find anything wrong.

The sad old guy had to admit the Trump team played by the rules. Mealymouth totally exonerated Trump. He said no collusion. No obstruction. Absolutely none. No wonder Trump has a 99% approval rating, the highest anyone has ever seen. Incredible support for Trump.

Mealymouth Mueller also said there was no Russian interference in the 2016 election. And he predicted there wouldn’t be any interference in the 2020 election. Absolutely none. He said we had his word on that. Why would Russia want to interfere? They have their own elections. Fake news.

Mealymouth said our election system is completely safe. One hundred percent, completely safe. Like a vault. Don’t worry, he said. It’s all good.

The real problem with the 2016 election was that the election was totally rigged. Mealymouth said Trump actually won the popular vote by over thirty million votes. But crooked Hillary had all these illegals voting for her. And Obama gave them all Obamacare and put them on welfare to thank them. They wasted a lot of American tax dollars trying to steal the election.

It was awful. Very unfair. Very bad. The Democrats also used fake photographs to try and show Trump didn’t have the largest inaugural crowd ever.

Fake, fake news.

He also went on the record to say that Trump is without a doubt the greatest president in American history. Much braver than George Washington when he protected the airports from the invading red coats.

Ol’ Mealymouth said Trump has unified the country better than Abe Lincoln did. Lincoln is probably the most overrated president in history. And he was assassinated–– a lot of people don’t know that. But he was. Look it up.

And he said the four radical members of the so-called looney lib squad should go back to the shithole countries they came from. They hate our country. Go home, for the good of America!

Mueller confessed under oath–– swearing to God, a very good man, God, some say maybe the greatest–– that Ivanka, Jared, and the entire Trump team is doing a fantastic job bringing peace to the world, eliminating government waste by draining the swamp, making our military strong again–– very weak under Obama–– exposing climate change as a hoax, and exposing the treasonous Democrats for the traitors they are.

He said if Americans don’t want to fall for fake news, they should only listen to Trump, Hannity, and the Fox News team.

Oh, and he also said the Saudis had nothing to do with the death of Jamal Khashoggi. The ol’ FBI guy called it a righteous kill. A righteous kill.

The bottom line is Mealymouth Mueller’s testimony backfired on the Democrats. A total embarrassment. Complete vindication of Trump.

I always say the truth will always win out, and I think this time it did.

Case closed. Trump is innocent. The witch hunt is over. Trump is the best, everyone says so.”

Once again, the fake news media is trying to paint our president as a racist.

President Donald J. Trump spoke to a packed house Wednesday night in Greenville, North Carolina. He mentioned Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.), and the mob began violently chanting “Send her back!” The leader of the free world lept into action.

“Look, I may not agree with Omar,” he told The Lint Screen, “but this is the US of A and we believe in freedom of speech.”

The president said he immediately asked the crowd not to chant.

“I told them, she is entitled to her opinion. But, they just kept on chanting.”

Frustrated by what he saw as unfair play, Donald Trump decided he had to take extreme measures.

“I felt like the crowd was being a bully. They were very unfair to Rep. Omar, and I told them, I said, if you don’t stop it, I’ll deliver a beat-down. That got their attention. I finally calmed the crazy crowd down. I restored order.”

Trump says he does everything he can to allow differing opinions to air. “I think the problem is all the hatred there is in North Carolina. Those people are nuts! Why can’t they just love everyone, like I do?”

The president took a deep breath and continued.

“Listen, I believe in diversity,” he said. “White, off-white, pasty-white, tanned, sun-burned–– it doesn’t matter to me or anyone in the GOP. Our party is all about inclusion. Believe me.”

We do, Mr. President. We do!

Georgia Sen. David Perdue called The Lint Screen offices today and clarified his previous remarks about President Trump’s recent Tweets about four progressive Congress members of color.

The Tweets were aimed at Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, and Ayanna Pressley and directed them to “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came.”

Sen. Perdue spoke on the record to TLS.

“First off, there is nothing racist in what the president said. And, being a great grammarian, few people appreciate how he crafted his sentence so it didn’t end in a preposition––‘from which they came’ is a real classy way to speak gooder English. The president is clearly someone who knows his language. The language God gave us.”

“But these alleged racist Tweets are another brouhaha stirred up by the fake news media. President Trump is the least racist person I know. Just look at the facts.”

“He has that nice black fellow named Ben Carson in his cabinet. That funky dude is very well-spoken, and I think he’s even a doctor! The president has told me some of his best friends are colored, and I know for a fact he loves Motown music.”

“President Trump also has an Oriental woman in his cabinet––Elaine Chao. She seems very nice, and her husband Mitch O’Connell says she is very obedient like those people always are.”

“And let’s not forget Alex Acosta who recently was forced out by the liberals over some bogus progressive stink. I believe Alex was some flavor of Mexican or another Spanish-speaking country. Plus, everyone knows the president loves Taco Bell! And some of that food is really spicy. Too spicy for this hombre!”

“President Trump even has a lot of women running things in Washington. He doesn’t just want the girls cooped-up in the kitchen all day–– no, sir! He thinks women can do a lot of men’s work, so he gives them positions of power. He also gives them time off if they need to go to the beauty parlor, have lady problems, or run errands. He is a very generous man.”

“Look, it’s preposterous and outrageous to say our president is a racist, not when he clearly demonstrates through his actions that he loves people of all colors and sexes. I believe there’s not a racist bone in President Trump’s body.”

“Maybe those four liberal loudmouths should take President Trump’s excellent advice and skedaddle back to their homelands. We’ve got work to do here making this country great again!”

Sen. Perdue closed by saying, “Listen, anyone who doesn’t love our president a hundred percent obviously don’t love our country. And as far as I’m concerned, you can move back to your shithole country.”

Foreign relations experts around the world heralded President Trump’s visit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un at the demilitarized zone (DMZ) on June 30. Many consider it the most significant diplomacy meeting in history.

“It was incredible,” said a man claiming to know all sorts of things about diplomatic history and other important things. “I mean, really, it was something else. Trump is the first American president to step on North Korean soil. That’s a total game changer! The world may never be the same.”

But a curious thing happened after the historic pow-wow –– all the North Korean photographers and videographers who captured the event mysteriously vanished.

An official on the U.S. travel team said, “There were swarms of cameramen snapping pictures like they were witnessing Beyonce eating raw sewage. But soon after, our intelligence reported they all disappeared. Along with their photography gear.”

The Lint Screen dispatched a crack investigative journalism team to North Korea to look into the mysterious matter. Here is what they found.

When the pictures and video of the epic meeting were reviewed, both President Trump and Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un appeared to be obese. N. Korean officials were outraged because both leaders are in perfect physical condition.

Obviously, the evil photographers had doctored the images. They must have used advanced photographic retouching techniques to alter the film in an effort to discredit the great men.

The pictures were fake!

Soon after, the photographers and videographers “disappeared.”

The mystery of their whereabouts is unknown. Some suspect, the shutterbugs may be attending photography school. Or, perhaps they went on vacation.

Recently the staff of The Lint Screen was approached by a high-powered GOP strategist for ideas on “positioning lines” for President Donald J. Trump’s re-election bid.

While the Big Fella wants to re-run with Make America Great Again (MAGA), some advisors are pushing for Keep America Great Again (KAGA). Both sides agreed to look at some new options. Then, Trump will decide, and others will praise his brilliant decision.

Here are the options TLS brain trust proposed for the Trump/Pence 2020 campaign (should Pence stay on the ticket or be called home during the rapture):

Keep America Kicking Ass (KAKA)

The Best Is Yet To Come, It Will Be Incredible, Amazing, Tremendous! Really, You’re Not Going To Believe How Great It’s Going To Be (TBIYTCIWBIATRYNGTBHGIGTB)  Note: We may need a slightly bigger hat

Re-Elect, Or Immigrants Will Kill You 

Greatness: We’ve Only Just Begun

No Collusion, No Obstruction, No Lie!

You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet

Predictably Erractic

Next Season Will Be Even Better!

More Covfefe, The Best Covfefe

Make America Safe Again (MASA)

Jail Crooked Hillary, Drain Swamp, Build Wall

Still Cleaning Up Obama’s Messes

Bigly & Betterer Than Ever

Pissing Off Allies, Coddling Tyrants 

Let’s See What Happens

Russia, If You’re Listening–– HELP!

Re-Imagine Democracy

Integrity, Character, Honesty. Really!

Cliffhangers Served Daily

There Are More Wars To Fight

No One Tweets Better 

The Best President Ever–– Everyone Says So

The Second Season Is Always Better

Stay Tuned, Just You Wait!

Melania Will Smile In The Second Term

We submitted the slogans along with our invoice. We haven’t heard back yet. We’re excited to hear the final decision!

And to get paid.

We live in truly perilous and terrifying times.

As President Trump works overtime to make America great again, disturbing reports have surfaced that he is being haunted by a sinister demon.

“The president is an extremely brave man,” sidekick Mike Pence said. “But he is being stalked by Satan himself. I’m so frightened that I swear I would gird my loins if that weren’t a mortal sin.”

Insiders say a ghost wearing eyeglasses with white hair and a comically large Yosemite Sam mustache is haunting the White House.

“This spirit is very angry,” reported Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “He is out of control and trying to seduce the president into World War III.”

“I saw him once and peed myself,” said Donald Trump, Jr. as he shuttered recalling the terrifying incident.

“I can poop on the potty like a big boy,” his brother Eric said proudly. “I hope I never see that evil ghost because I have gone almost three whole days without having an accident!”

White House security is on full alert to intercept and subdue the violent intruder before he causes harm.

“I don’t know who would let a nutcase like that into my home,” said President Trump. “But for protection and added security, I have Mike Pompeo stalking the halls with a shotgun. I think it will all turn out very good. We’ll see what happens.”

The world’s most powerful man looked at his Oval Office rug and became agitated.

“Eric,” he shouted. “Did you have an accident on my rug again?”