Melting ice caps are like “opening a Christmas present,” says Pompeo
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo sees great opportunities thanks to the alleged climate change crisis.
“I agree with the president,” Pompeo told The Lint Screen. “There’s no such thing as climate change–– it’s a Chinese hoax! Like evolution or gravity. But, luckily, the ice caps are melting which is like slowly opening a Christmas present because we have a lot more opportunity for grabbing oil and mineral rights.”
For a non-scientist, Pompeo knows his stuff: the polar ice caps have melted 95 percent in the past three decades.
“But the melting is not the result of man or pollution,” Pompeo said. “How the heck can we control nature? Obviously, the melting is the handiwork of God.”
Pompeo looked to heaven as he put his hands in praying mode. “God giveth and God taketh away. In this case, He’s taking away the ice to give us more land! He wants us to have more oil and gas and minerals. Who are we to argue with God’s will?”
Pompeo also sees opportunities in water sports.
“When ice melts, it makes water,” the Secretary of State proclaimed. “And more water means more chances to take the boat out and maybe water ski. We should also get a lot more beachfront property. This will be huge for the real estate market.”
Asked about the dangers the melting caps presented for arctic wildlife, Pompeo shrugged his shoulders.
“Nature’s cruel. Take it up with God. And if polar bears don’t make it, so what? Maybe they shouldn’t have been drinking so much Coke.”
He was asked if he thought any one man was above the law. Barr replied, “Absolutely not, unless his name is Donald Trump and I am the law. Then, all bets are off, baby!”
Barr smiled rakishly then delivered his topper–– “I’m like a limbo dance contest–– a Barr that tests how low you can go!”
When asked if he thought Donald J. Trump tried to obstruct justice, Barr quipped, “Oh, no. I mean, no more than swallowing a couple bags of Quikrete might obstruct your colon a bit.”
“Oh, behave yourself, sir,” Sen. Graham swooned.
Barr was grilled if he thought it was fair to distill Muller’s 448-page report into his four-page summary.
“Hey,” Barr said, “I tried to get it on a fortune cookie fortune, but I guess I got verbose!” He then winked into the camera and blew a kiss.
The A.G. was asked which he felt was more important: working for the American people by upholding the Constitution or protecting President Trump?
“Well, the toilet paper at Mar-a-Lago is a helluva a lot softer than the Constitution… so I guess I gotta go with protecting Trump!“
The men who love America so much they protect it from pure EVIL!
In an age of skepticism and cynicism, it’s good to know levelheaded patriots like President Donald J. Trump and crackerjack journalist Sean Hannity are protecting our God-given country.
Thursday night, the president called into the incredibly popular Hannity truthful news show on Fox News. And what they discussed should frighten every American. The Lint Screen proudly brings you a transcript of their conversation.
DT: They tried to have a coup, Sean. They wanted to overturn democracy and our way of life, but they failed. Boy, did they fail! Failed like a dog.
DT: Everyone loves it, Sean. When I coined the phrase ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’, it caught on like wildfire. No one had ever seen anything like it. Just like when I termed the phrase ‘internet.’ People had been calling it the world wide web and I said, “too long, just call it the internet.”
SH: And now I hear everyone using the term ‘internet’. It’s really caught on.
DT: These nutty Democrats all have Trump Derangement Syndrome. It’s a real medical condition. People are going to the Mayo Clinic for treatment. They get lobotomies. Many, many lobotomies have been given. Sad.
DT: Right. Beat them like a dog. They’re sore losers. Incredibly sore. They were so mad they got Bob Mueller to start a witch hunt against me. Mueller, who everyone knows is a looney liberal leftist, he and a gang of crooked Democrats spend over three hundred million dollars and take ten years looking into the election trying to find dirt on me. Very unfair.
SH: But Mueller cleared you of everything, didn’t he? Attorney General Barr said so.
DT: That’s right. Barr is a very good man. Smart. Reads lots of books. Barr read the Mueller report, I didn’t. He said not only did the report completely clear me of any crimes–– absolutely no conspiracy and no collusion–– but the report also said Trump is the greatest president in American history. Everyone is saying that.
SH: Amazing. Mueller and his goon squad were supposed to smear you but they end up cheering you.
DT: What else could they do? The truth is the truth. I’m doing a tremendous job. No one can believe the great job I’m doing. America has never been more prosperous or more popular.
SH: But that wasn’t the case when you took over.
DT: Not at all. Obama had driven the country into a Depression. People were eating their children to survive. I heard many people were serving their beautiful babies on platters with an apple in their mouth. Horrible.
SH: Carving their own children like a turkey on Thanksgiving.
DT: Very sad, Sean. And rats were everywhere, chewing on people’s flesh and spreading bubonic plague. Over ten billion Americans died thanks to Obama.
SH: What a tragedy.
DT: People got addicted to opioids just to survive. Businesses were closing. Muslims were flooding into America and saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. It was a catastrophe, an absolute disaster under Obama.
SH: I remember. People were committing suicide just to get through the day.
DT: It was awful. So the people elected Trump. No one thought I could win.
DT: Yes, Sean. That was the start of the collusion delusion. I coined that term, too.
SH: I love it.
DT: Everyone does. I’m the best maker of catchy words, everyone says it. But the fake news was out to get me. I made up ‘fake news’ too.
SH: Brilliant, Mr. President.
DT: The sad fact is, if people don’t watch Fox News, they don’t know what’s really going on.
SH: We only report the facts. One hundred percent. We get to the bottom of the truth and let smart people decide.
DT: It’s awful what’s going on. They are going after very good people, guys like General Flynn, Manafort, Roger Stone. Patriots, honorable people helping their country. The deep state, the whole thing, it’s just horrible what they’re doing.
SH: They should be in jail.
DT: They will. You know, Sean, a lot of people are saying Hillary is actually an alien.
SH: Really? An alien?!
DT: Believe me. An alien from another planet. She’s hellbent on destroying humanity and Earth.
SH: That explains Benghazi. And killing Vince Foster. And Pizzagate.
DT: And her server sending top-secret emails into outer space.
SH: Do you think she could be planning a world invasion?
DT: I don’t see why she wouldn’t be. Many people think she wants all good people to die. Especially Christians. That’s why the Democrats want to take all our guns.
SH: So we can’t protect ourselves from the aliens?
DT: Exactly. And remember this, Sean, aliens have ray guns. Very powerful guns. They can vaporize people instantly.
When Notre Dame Cathedral erupted in flames Monday, President Trump happened to be walking by a television set and saw live coverage of the tragedy.
“The president almost never watches TV,” press secretary Sarah Sanders told The Lint Screen. “He doesn’t have time for TV, he’s usually hard at work. Goodness knows he rarely relaxes or lollygags about.”
Trump was shocked by what he saw on the news.
“The big pretty church was on fire,” he said. “A lot of people don’t know this but fire is hot. Very, very hot. Fire bad. It can be hot and dangerous. I saw that the fire could destroy that beautiful building.”
“I immediately sent a Tweet,” Trump said. “I said perhaps flying water tankers could put out the fire. You know, water has more uses than just drinking and taking showers–– it’s actually very good at extinguishing fires. Not many people know that. But you have to act fast because fire spreads like wildfire. Water can stop a fire if you act fast!”
Sure enough, Trump saw on TV that the French firefighters began using hoses pumping water to battle the flames engulfing Notre Dame.
“I’m glad the French people listened to me,” the American commander-in-fire chief said. “Notre Dame is a great place. They have a tremendous football team. But why did this tragedy happen? Why would God burn one of His own houses of worship? By the way, God is like Trump, very good at branding his buildings. I think God set the fire to send a message–– He doesn’t want the Democrats to see Trump’s tax returns. They’re not smart enough to understand them. The Democrats got God angry so he sent a burning cathedral instead of a burning bush as a message.”
The president took a deep breath, drank some water and continued.
“I also think God burning Notre Dame was His way of saying He didn’t like Mueller’s witch hunt. It was very unfair. But the Mueller report said there was absolutely no collusion no obstruction. None. So the Notre Dame fire is God’s way of saying the Democrats need to leave Trump alone. Let him get back to work making America great again. God is very smart and the American people would be smart to listen to Him. Let me do my job. Or else.”
Not content to just capture migrant kids in cages, this man-god has announced he plans to capture hearts by winning the PEOPLE magazine “Sexiest Man Alive” competition.
“I am going to dethrone Idris Elba,” Miller told The Lint Screen. “He is not even an American, but I am! I’m tired of immigrants taking our jobs.” Miller spat on the ground and opened his “Macho Man” leather pouch, took a plug of moist tobacco, and slugged it into his gaping gob. He closed his eyes as he savored the flavor and continued.
“Look, I’m a hell of a lot sexier than Idris Elba, Blake Shelton, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, David Beckham, Chris Hemsworth, Adam Levine, or Channing Tatum,” Miller said batting his eyelashes seductively. “Those guys have all won in past years, but not this time. It’s my year to win the throne.”
Miller considers himself a lock for the 2019 dreamy hunk crown.
“I have excellent personal hygiene–– I wash my hair every Sunday, brush my teeth on even numbered days, and splash my face with Old Spice with a rinse of Brut 33,” the sweet-smelling Adonis said. “Women find me absolutely irresistible. I mean, a lot of them don’t even scream when I approach them. I’m kind of a babe magnet, you know.”
Miller does not think getting his handsome mug on the cover of PEOPLE magazine will change his life very much.
“If Fox and Friends does a story about me winning, then the boss will probably see it,” Miller said. “And it’s always a good idea to stay on his good side. Hey, and who knows–– maybe Ivanka will notice me and leave that dolt Jared for some quality Miller time. Yeah, babe! Wouldn’t that be sweet?”
Yes, Stephen, it sure would! Good luck, you rakish scamp, our fingers are crossed.
