Author: PD Scullin

Attorney General William Barr is no Jeff “I’m A Recuser Loser” Sessions. Barr is getting involved in the Mueller report in a major way!

Yesterday the pudgy A.G. sat before a Congressional subcommittee and promised it that he would give them “a very special Mueller Report, one you’re going to love.”

Barr said the full Mueller report “is a total bore–– it’s 400 pages of a guy trying to find a plot. There’s no hook, no narrative, the stakes are low. It’s like paper Ambien.” The head lawman said he gave “an excellent Cliff Notes version in just four-pages” after he “waded through” Mueller’s full report.

“Look, I’m not bragging,” Barr told the subcommittee, “but it only took me a couple of days to condense what it took Mueller 22-months to write. That guy needs an editor!”

According to Barr’s summation, the headlines from the Mueller report are simple –– THERE WAS NO COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA AND TOTAL EXONERATION FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP ON OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE CHARGES!

Rep. Nita Lowey (D-NY) pressed Barr on when Congress would see the full 400-page Mueller report.

“Half past never,” Barr said. “But I am preparing a version of the full report with color-coded redactions and playful emojis. This is in the interest of full transparency. And guess what, you empty suits? We’ll be doing the same thing for Trump’s tax returns.”

Barr then laughed maniacally, tossed over the table he was sitting at and stormed out of the Congressional chamber punching spectators along the way.

“Suck it, losers! We won! Trump 2020, bitches!” he shouted over his shoulder to the Congressional committee members as he exited the room.

And there was much wailing and the gnashing of teeth from subcommittee members.

You’ve got to give the Democratic Party credit, they are an organization of hard workers. And the Dems are working overtime conjuring ways to blow the 2020 presidential election.

“It’s in our nature,” William Tolbert, Democratic strategist told The Lint Screen. “We love to figure out ways to extract defeat from the jaws of victory. It’s a gift, really.”

And for the upcoming presidential election, Tolbert thinks the Democrats are more imaginative and industrious than ever in formulating a losing strategy.

“We’re running against a self-confessed ‘pussy grabber’ who has paid off porn stars and had more affairs than a Staten Island caterer. So what do we do? We kill Al Franken for the joke of pretending to cup the breasts of a sleeping woman. There is no humor in politics! And now, we’re attacking Joe Biden for being Joe Biden, mister touchy-feely who sometimes likes to rub noses. It’s brilliant, really–– let’s kill our own before they’re even out of the gate. And whoever is left standing, we’ll sharpen our knives for them and slice ’em to ribbons.”

But Tolbert says the liberal imagination doesn’t stop there.

“We’re also the party of endless desserts. You want national healthcare, free college, guaranteed income for life, a free car, and safe spaces against microaggressions every ten feet? No problem, you got it. How will we pay for it?” Tolbert shrugs. “Don’t worry. We’ll get in the weeds with some complicated wonkiness and bore voters to death.”

“Republicans take the easy way out with simple messaging like lower taxes and more jobs. La dee freakin’ da!”

Tolbert thinks the secret sauce of a losing Democratic Party plan is playing only to the coastal elites.

“We just need to concentrate on the coasts,” the political brainiac said. “Forget the fly-over states. Play to where the media is–– New York, L.A., San Francisco. That’s where the power is, not in some midwest yokel’s kitchen.”

Tolbert is confident the Dems can lose in 2020.

“Trump is without a doubt the worst president in American history,” Tolbert said. “He is a con man who thrives on divisiveness and chaos. But he has his forty percent base of true Trumpers and they stick with him no matter what. Forty percent is not a majority, so he should be easy to beat. But just to be on the safe side, I have the nuclear option,” Tolbert said with a smug smile.

“I’ve got Chelsea Clinton waiting in the wings ready to go. America can never have too much of the ol’ Clinton magic.””

Robert Mueller has finally ended his charade of a witch hunt. He has declared President Trump innocent of Russian collusion and obstruction of justice. And now the administration is taking corrective action to ensure this never happens again.

“The president wants to send a message,” Sarah Sanders told The Lint Screen. “All those who spoke against the president will pay for their treasonous claims against our leader! This is the only way to unite the country.”

Read Between The Lines

Sanders claims the Mueller report not only exonerates the president of any wrongdoing, but she also says what’s between the lines of Attorney General Barr’s memo is really important.

“Obviously, Mueller thinks Donald J. Trump is our greatest president ever. A true patriot who loves his country, God the Father, Baby Jesus, Adolescent Jesus, Adult Jesus, and The Holy Ghost. He is a loyal and loving husband. An honorable man who only speaks the truth,” Sanders said with tear-filled peepers. She collected herself and continued.

The Enemy’s List–– They Will Pay

“Mueller probably also wants the president to extract his special brand of justice against naysayers and the very bad traitors to our country. And that is exactly what President Trump will do. It’s clear the only way to guarantee a free press is to squash those who are not on Team Trump.“

So the military is deploying troops to apprehend treasonous America-haters. These include Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, Rachel Maddow, Jerrold Nadler, Joe Scarborough,  John Brennan, Mika Brzezinski, Chuck Schumer, Chris Matthews, Chris Hayes, and 1,288 other enemies of the state. They will be executed by firing squads, or “INSTANT JUSTICE ENFORCERS” as they have been termed by The White House.

“These traitors to America can expect no mercy,” Sanders said, thumping her right fist into her left palm. “It’s like the Bible says, ‘an eye for an eye and turn the other cheek so I might slash it with a razor and watch you bleed out like the evil swine you are–– for vengeance is mine, punk bitch, sayeth the Lord.’”

Again, the press secretary got misty-eyed. “I love the Good Book. It’s like an instruction manual for doling out punishment.”

Rep. Devin Nunes, the Republican patriot from communist California, is sad. And angry.

Nunes recently launched a $250,350,000 defamation of character lawsuit against two Twitter accounts he says are fake. One allegedly from his mommy, and one from a bovine pal.

“These accounts say nasty things about me,” Nunes said. “They damage my sterling reputation and I want to be compensated for my hurt feelings.”

But the brave man was just getting warmed up.

Today Nunes filed a $100 trillion lawsuit against God.

“The Almighty has done many great things like creating air, sheep with soft, fluffy haunches, and sending us Donald Trump to protect Israel and our democracy,” a  confidant Nunes told The Lint Screen. “But, God has done me wrong. Yes, He made heaven and earth, but He also made the awful people who mock me on Twitter and He didn’t stop them. It’s His fault, all His fault, and this time I am going to make Him pay!”

Nunes believes God must be held accountable.

“God sits in judgment of all of us, so why shouldn’t the Supreme Court sit in judgment of Him? If my lawsuit goes to the highest court in the land, I predict a 5-4 ruling in my favor. I like my odds,” Nunes said with a slight smile. “I will win, God.”

“By the way, I am not a snowflake,” he added as he choked back tears. “I am definitely not a snowflake.”

Something is wrong in America when a justice warrior and truth teller like Judge Jeanine Pirro is benched by her network for speaking her mind about headwear fashion.

Fox News, long regarded as America’s bastion of quality journalism and news integrity recently yanked Judge Jeanine’s popular show in response to remarks the fiery beauty made concerning controversial Muslim Democratic congresswoman Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.).

But is that really what happened?

Or, did liberal moneybags and muckraker George Soros bribe the Fox News brass to get his way and have the good Judge sidelined to keep her yap shut? That’s just the kind of un-American behavior Soros loves to bankroll.

The Lint Screen has learned the evil Soros plot may have merit. We cannot disprove it!

But we’ve also learned of another theory–– that the JJ hit job was performed by the ghost of traitorous Sen. John McCain! This theory is that McCain spooked Fox into doing his bidding as a way to harass Donald J. Trump from beyond the grave. When he was alive, McCain resented the fact our brave president dealt with painful bone spurs while he was lollygagging and sashaying about in the Hanoi Hilton (thanks to his being captured–– the easy way out of fighting war).

Either theory could be absolutely true. Fortunately, Judge Jeanine has a big fan in her corner–– the president himself! He Tweeted over the weekend from his Mensa meeting that she should stay strong and fight.

And we are certain she will! You can’t keep a good woman down, especially one with very white teeth.

Jared Kushner is a self-made man who never got a break. He worked his way up from poverty and obscurity, much like President Trump, and forged his way into the inner circle of global power brokers. But the humble pulled-himself-up-by-the-ol‘-bootstraps man is agitated by Democrats who he claims “are hell-bent on the destruction of America and the world!”

“I am charged with brokering peace in the Middle East,” the boyish scamp told reporters. “How am I expected to do my job if the Democrats keep hounding me and my pop-in-law?!“

Through a Pulitzer Prize-worthy investigative journalism dive, The Lint Screen has learned Mr. Kushner is the son-in-law of President Donald J. Trump.

His wife, Ivanka, is Trump’s daughter. For reals!

Democrats have launched investigations into whether Mr. Kushner was qualified for high-level security clearance and if the lovable rascal could be a threat to our national security. After all, he’s BFF with MBS, the Saudi journalist slayer.

Kushner has been hard at work trying to settle the age-old dust-up between the Israelis and Palestinians.

“I’m so close to a peace plan I can taste it,” the cute rapscallion said as he licked his lips and rubbed his tummy tum-tum.

But the dreamy wunderkind also has other fish to fry.

The president has charged him with solving the opioid crisis in the U.S., diplomacy with Mexico and China, reforming care for veterans, reforming the criminal justice system, reinventing our government to run more like a business, sourcing less expensive resources for manufacturing MAGA hats and tiki torches, shoeing horses and stitching TRUMP saddlebags, soliciting acrobats for Mar-A-Lago functions, polishing ‘the big guy’s’ shoes, securing a seamless 5G network for the nation, modernizing the electrical grid with three-prong extension cords from Home Depot, replacing the railway system, removing the lids off tins of Bumble Bee Tuna, curing all known diseases, eliminating world hunger (see tuna duty above), denuclearizing North Korea and Iran, and keeping his wife, the super hot Ivanka, happy–– because “she’s daddy’s little angel.”

“I’ve got a few things on my plate, okay?” Kushner said, agitated. “It’s like the Democrats don’t want me to do my job. And they still continue with their witch hunt against my papa-in-law. Even after he has said many times, ‘no collusion with Russia.’ Look, if you can’t believe the president of the United States of America, who can you believe? President Trump loves America, and America loves him. But the Democrats–– they hate America!”

He batted his luxurious lashes and turned took his boyish good looks out the door as reporters swooned.