Humor

Felon President Donald Trump is outraged by “the horrible, illegal land grab Zelensky made” and wants justice. “Zelensky’s a thief,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Putin was living peacefully in Russia, a big, beautiful country, and Zelensky stole a large chunk of Russia and called it his own. No one’s ever seen such an aggressive … Read more

“Lil X is a wild child,” Musk says. “I couldn’t find a sitter on short notice. Plus, they’re so expensive––some want like twenty, twenty-two bucks an hour! Who can afford that?! So, I decided to bring the kid with me. It was all very innocent and kind of fun.”

“Boy, I am getting somewhat peeved,” an almost emotional Schumer told The Lint Screen. “President Trump and Musk are doing all sorts of shenanigans, many of which are damaging to our country and citizens. It’s something else, and someone should do something about it.” Schumer wipes his brow.

“President Trump learned from his first term about the inefficiencies of government,” Miller explains. “Someone came up with the stupid idea of a system of three separate and equal branches–– the executive, legislative, and judicial. We learned that this arrangement is cumbersome and unworkable when you are trying to fix a horribly broken, shithole country like ours. So this time, government’s much simpler.”

Newly-crowned King Donald has begun making good on his campaign promises. Yesterday, he released almost all the convicted criminals serving time for participating in his insurrection attempt on January 6, 2021. “These 1500 people were patriots,” Trump spokesperson Tom Bostrom tells The Lint Screen. “They stormed the Capitol to protest President Trump’s being cheated out … Read more

“I have eyes everywhere,” Musk tells The Lint Screen. “If I don’t see a Tesla in every driveway by midnight January 31st, we’ll be apprehending and deporting the offenders. I have Teslas sitting in lots everywhere waiting to be driven away, including my Tesla Cybertrucks designed by a four-year-old with a LEGO set.”