After total hip replacement surgery, my favorite room in our house is the one that rains.
The shower is like a feel-better pod. I carefully check the water temperature and scan the shower floor for bars of soap, banana peels, crude oil slicks– anything I might slip on and subject me to the horrible forces of gravity. I step into the shower slowly, oh-so-slowly, and let the soothing waters rain o’er me. Keep clean to keep dangerous infection at bay!The post surgical instructions are to keep the wound clean with daily washings and fresh dressings. I move slowly, oh-so-slowly, out of the shower and begin patting myself dry. My wife tends to the surgical scar with an antiseptic, absorbent pads and medical tape. The tape is hateful (though not nearly as hateful as using duct tape might be).
The tape’s adhesive hurts no matter how slowly I pull it off. I face the never-ending question: is it better to take off the bandage quickly for a blast of intense pain, or slowly for a longer, lower level of pain? Every mortal has his/her own opinion on this– it’s one of the great philosophical questions of all time, right up there with glazed or jelly?
I roll with a slow and steady tape removal (like Socrates did; Plato was a grip ‘n rip guy).
After a shower and fresh dressing, I feel better. It could be psychological or it could be actual, but I feel like some of my pain went down the drain. I hope pain cannot clog drains.
Daniel got nothing on me.Many people have often compared me to Daniel Day Lewis– with the exception of his good looks, incredible acting talent and fantabulous wealth.
Still, we’re pretty much two peas in a pod. Daniel starred in My Left Foot, and I am soon to star in My Left Hip. You see, dear children, this Lint Screenin’ daddy-o is about to undergo ‘total hip replacement’ surgery on Monday, November 2.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking: he’s just doing that because joint replacement surgery is what all the cool baby boomers are having– it’s the “in” operation to have and he’s just got to have it!
On left, the plastic model from my doc’s office. Yum!Sure, I’ll confess that there is a certain amount of peer pressure involved, but there is also the little issue of arthritis decaying my joints these past 8 years like gasoline on Styrofoam (try it some time– what happens when the gas makes contact is pure evil). I had my right hip replaced in April of 2008, and now it’s time to balance the technology to alleviate my pain.
As Carly Simon sang, “I haven’t got time for the pain”, so I will undergo pain to be done with it. My store-bought titanium right hip is pain-free, with the exception of the commotion it causes going through security at airports. But its triggering of alarms does afford me the unique and stimulating opportunity to share a little bonding time with friendly TSA personnel. F-U-N!
The high tech utilized to indicate which hip needs replacement.While I certainly don’t look forward to this surgery, I do look forward to some day soon not having pain that causes my entire body to contort to compensate. I also look forward to one day getting off the pain management medication teat.
In the grand scheme of things, what I’m going through is nothing. This is fixable, and physical therapy and time make it better than before. No pity parties here. It’s just a minor repair and I think I still have some mileage left on me.
I ask you all to contemplate your lives, count your blessings, remember the suffering of those who have little hope, and give thanks for good health. I will leave you with a photo of the chart which will be a focal point of my room in the hospital. It forces one to think about the pain he/she is feeling. What is your number? It’s a good think to think about daily. What is your number?Put a number to your pain. Now, reduce it. By the way, you may not be reading fresh dispatches for a little while, I’ll be whacked-out on the goof. In the meantime, I invite you to graze deeper into the Lint. Here’s ten of the most popular morsels you may have missed and ample proof as to why this blog is the world’s fastest growing website containing the words “Lint” and “Screen”: http://bit.ly/4oE8ug http://bit.ly/IfrBR http://bit.ly/kSBMn http://bit.ly/Pw8Ah http://bit.ly/RtgjN http://bit.ly/1VRoUk http://bit.ly/15Wtzv http://bit.ly/whi6I http://bit.ly/2luzZK
And, for all you monkey humor fans, http://bit.ly/9MonkeyDinner
Of course, there’s plenty more fun to be discovered and shared. Thanks for playing, mind those hips.
