Thanks to the tireless efforts of The Lint Screen (and a blabbermouth we met at our nightly Secret Society meeting), we have secured a copy of the questions Special Counsel Robert Mueller will be asking President Trump when they face off.

Here they are:
1. Which Marx brother is your favorite–– Harpo, Chico, Groucho, or Karl?
2. Do you like Russian dressing on your salad?
3. Кого вы любите больше, Иванка и Мелания?
4. Two trains leave Moscow headed for Khabarovsk, one is traveling 80 mph, the other 60 mph. Paul Manafort is on the first train, Carter Page on the second. Which man has the bag of money to give to the Russian operatives?
5. Describe your relationship with Russian bots.
6. Mike Pence–– what the hell’s the deal with that guy anyway?
7. Have you read “War and Peace”? Which one did you like better?
8. Did you really think you were going to win the presidency? Really? Come on, really?
9. If you had a hammer, would you hammer in the morning, or, would you pair it with a sickle?
10. Did you collude with Russians to win the election? If not, why?
11. Do you think Hillary did it? Should I lock her up?
12. What is Vladimir Putin’s favorite color?
13. Do you think Peter was good, or, was Peter the great?
14. Have you ever seen those Russian dolls, you know, the ones where each doll fits inside another, and another, and another, and so on? Do you think those dolls are an appropriate gift for an 8-year-old girl, or, do you think she’d prefer a Malibu Barbi?
15. Lenin or McCartney?
16. Do you have a good recipe for Borscht, my comrade?
17. Did you know there’s a proven relief for the problem of frequent Wikileaks at night?
18. Does Stephen Miller creep you out? Come on, seriously, does he?
19. Wouldn’t you like to just go back to reality TV and screw this whole politics thing?
20. Are you dirty? Don’t make me come over there and bitch slap you–– ARE YOU DIRTY?!

Sources report Mueller is confident he will get Trump to crack.