Sean Hannity fidgets in his seat as his hands work a fidget spinner so hard it creates hurricane force winds. His eyes dart about wildly as he leans forward and confides to The Lint Screen, “I am the real victim here, I tells ya. A truly innocent victim caught up in the liberal media’s vicious witch hunt against Trump.”
A federal judge in New York City revealed yesterday that Sean Hannity was the mysterious third client of Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s personal attorney. Last week, the FBI seized Cohen’s records as part of an ongoing investigation.
In addition to Trump and Hannity, Cohen represents GOP fundraiser Elliott Broidy. “I help my clients erase their affairs and scandals,” Cohen told reporters. “You know, the stuff they teach in law schools–– like how to make mistresses keep their big yaps shut!”
Cohen admitted paying porn actress Stormy Daniels $130,000 for her alleged affair with Trump. “I paid her myself because I’m a huge fan,” he said. Cohen helped his client Broidy by arranging payment of $1.6 million to the Playboy model he was having an affair with.
“When my clients have accidents like getting caught, I’m there with a checkbook to help,” the necktie-wearing hired lip-flapper said. But Hannity denies being Cohen’s client.
“Michael never helped quiet some floozy named Crystal I was doing every Monday and Thursday afternoon at three in The Four Seasons Hotel,” Hannity said. “I occasionally asked Michael his advice on real estate matters like what building would be a good place to stash a dead hooker. But Michael never charged me for his expert legal advice, so obviously, I was never legally his client. Who ever heard of a lawyer not charging his client? Lawyers do ordinary lawyer things like pay-off porn stars out of their own pocket.”
Hannity suspects Special Counsel Robert Mueller is targeting him.
“Last week, I exposed the Mueller crime family along with the Clintonistas and the Comey cabal,” he said. “They are all working overtime to smear the name of Donald J. Trump, a man with a sterling reputation built on his high moral character, Christian behavior, and absolute adherence to the truth. All these evil people are determined to derail the president from his sacred mission of making America great again, and they’ll stop at nothing to do just that–– even if it means slandering me in the process.”
The popular TV newsman pounds his desk and raises his silky voice. “This is an evil plot to divert attention from the big stories like pizzagate, Benghazi, Obama’s missing birth certificate and membership in ISIS, Mueller slashing a homeless man’s throat on a dare, and Comey’s plan to get a dirty bomb and blow up America if we don’t buy his stupid new book. The lamestream, blamestream media can try all they want, but they won’t silence me from telling the truth. It’s what I do!”
Hannity spun his fidget spinner, turned it horizontal and was propelled out of his office revealing a wet stain on his pressed slacks.