To begin the historic Helsinki meeting between Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump, “Pootie” punked the American prez with the classic joy buzzer handshake.
“You’ve got to give Putin round one,” a diplomatic observer told The Lint Screen. “He totally owned the Trumpster with the joy buzzer gag. But Trump did a good job of concealing his surprise. He bit his cheek and took it like a man. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the Putinator doesn’t get Trump again with a whoopee cushion, fake dog poop, plastic vomit or even a concealed fart machine. Putin just plays at a whole other level than Trump. He’s a master.”
Prior to their meeting, Trump trashed talked his own country. “The United States has been a complete disaster with its Russia relations. We have been suspicious of them, and frankly, they seem like really good people. It’s disgraceful. Mother Russia is perhaps the greatest nation on Earth and we should all bow to her everlasting glory.”
Diplomats were shocked by the U.S. president. “It’s like Trump is going into these talks waving a white flag.”
Members of Team Trump vehemently disagreed. “The president is calling it like he sees it,” said national security advisor John Bolton. “If the president is going to make America great again, we have to improve our relationship with Russia and get along with Putin. He is our overlord, let’s admit that and move on.”
Trump and Putin then met for two hours of secret talks with only their translators as witnesses.
UPDATE: The two translators who were in the Trump-Putin Helsinki summit meeting died of mysterious causes. “It was probably poor diets,” said president Trump. “It’s sad. Very sad. But, life goes on.”