Even though Donald J. Trump didn’t serve in the military, he still knows how to be a good soldier. A very good soldier who deserves a medal!
When the president received the awful news yesterday that his planned military parade would be too costly to hold, he acted like a big boy and canceled it all by himself.
“We’re all very proud of the president,” Defense Secretary James Mattis told The Lint Screen. “He has had a very rough week, what with the Omarosa tapes, Mueller’s constant witch hunting, the Manafort trial, and Melania’s neverending migraines and sleeping with a gun under her pillow for protection against intruders in her bedroom. President Trump was really looking forward to his military parade and seeing horsies and marching bands. He was even hoping there would be elephants and men in fez caps driving funny little cars.”
White House insiders say the president threw a temper tantrum when he heard how expensive the parade would be. He suggested cutting social security to fund it. “Old people get all the treats,” he whined.
His advisors said cutting social security would not be a smart political move since old people tend to watch Fox News and vote. Trump stomped his feet (no doubt agitating his bone spurs), threw a chair, and fell to the floor kicking and screaming, “I wanna parade! I wanna parade! You promised!”
Generals Kelly and Mattis sprang into action. They lifted the president up from the floor, straightened his comically long necktie and promised if he behaved himself they’d arrange for him to get a pony ride, balloons, and cotton candy.
“Will you also take me to KFC for a big bucket and mashed potatoes and gravy?” the president asked politely.
“Yes,” Kelly said. “But only if you’re a good boy,” Mattis added.
The president jumped up and down excitedly. “Deal!” The generals smiled. Trump then punched each man in the stomach and shouted, “Suckers!” He giggled mischievously and ran out of the Oval Office to hide.
The pony ride is scheduled for Sunday.