Donald J. Trump announced today he will be awarding recently convicted felon Paul Manafort The Presidential Medal of Freedom next week.
“Paul Manafort is one of the bravest Americans ever,” the president told The Lint Screen. “He has withstood the very unfair Mueller witch hunt and rigged legal system, and he has kept his yap shut.”
Manafort was convicted on eight of eighteen counts of financial crimes. He served as Trump’s campaign manager until he was revealed to be an agent for a foreign adversary and released from his post.
“Paul is a patriot,” Trump said. “A true-blue American hero who has been unfairly charged. Everyone cheats on their taxes and defrauds banks. Big deal! Since when are those things crimes? But Paul took it like a man. He didn’t blab like some scared school girl and tell hushed secrets. That’s what sniveling cowards do, they sing like a canary. I have one word of advice, snitches get stitches. Remember that. Snitches get stitches.”
Trump took a deep inhale. “It will be my honor to bestow our country’s highest honor on Paul Manafort. He deserves it.” Trump got agitated.
“But what about Crooked Hillary and Obama? Why aren’t they locked up? And Mueller? And Chuck Todd? And Jeff Sessions? And Nancy Pelosi? And kneeling NFL players? And people who don’t cook KFC extra crispy even you tell them you want it cooked extra, extra crispy! And…”
The president railed on for twenty-two minutes.