A despondent Bernard Madoff is reportedly on suicide watch.  He’s been trumped, by a mannequin.

    The magical Greek fishing cap that bestows instant Fonzie coolness to its wearer has finally surfaced and landed on the noggin of a mannequin working at a Beall’s Department Store in Port Arthur, Texas. The cap was owned by a deposed Nigerian prince and Bernie Madoff paid the prince’s lawyer $50 billion for the cool headgear (plus a few extra million for shipping and handling)… all to no avail. The mannequin received the surprise package yesterday and has refused comment on how the Greek fishing cap came into his possession. Authorities did not press the issue since the mannequin “looked so wicked cool we didn’t want to be pests or anything.”

      “This just isn’t fair,” said an angry Madoff, “I paid my good hard-earned money and I’ve got nothing in return. Nothing! I’ve lost everything I owned to a charlatan. There ought to be a law against these kind of shenanigans!” Madoff said as tears streamed down his face and mucus trickled from his furry nostrils, grossing out reporters and bystanders alike. “There oughta be laws against this,” blurted Madoff as ear wax leaked out of his audio caves. Reporters and bystanders hurled.

    Meanwhile, the mannequin has become an instant celebrity with people making pilgrimages to see him and bask in his utter uber-coolness. Some who have witnessed the mannequin in Greek fishing cap claim he is “even cooler than Fonzie was”, while others say the mannequin is “cooler than Potsie, Ralph, or Ritchie, most def, but maybe not quite Fonzie cool. Well, O.K., maybe Fonzie cool but not cooler.”

    Madoff yearns to travel to Port Arthur to see for himself but cannot travel due to his house arrest. Irony police are standing watch on him. The world exhales and life goes on.