Financial services executives are livid over legislation that would impose pay limits of a mere $500,000 annually for companies accepting federal bailout money.
“This idea is an absolute outrage,” fumed Thurston Winslowe III, a New York banking executive. “Not to overstate the case, but this is definitely the most egregious, cruel and inhumane assault ever against any sector of humanity. I’m supposed to bust my butt for a lousy 500-K a year?! I may as well get myself a paper route!”
When explained that compensation could also include stock options once the federal bailout money was paid back, Winslowe was unimpressed. “Look, five years ago our stock was worth $56 a share. Last year we lost $98 billion. Now our share price is under $5. What do I look like, a chump? Only an idiot would place a bet on an organization with the horrible track record we’ve got. Taxpayers need to fork over the money, let us save the economy and keep their big noses out of how we run our businesses and reward our top performers. Hey, we’re professionals here, people–– we know what we’re doing!”
Winslowe bemoaned the tough economic times. “Last year my total compensation was over $52 million, which is decent enough change, I guess. But still, I had to watch my spending and keep an eye out for coupons and stores offering BOGOs. Now I’m supposed to do the same job for $500,000?! I can’t live on that pittance. I’d need to get a loan just to get by, but no one’s making loans these days. No thank you. I’ll take my incredible financial management skills and work where I can get handsomely rewarded for the significant contributions I bring to a company. Check out my necktie’s double Windsor knot, that professional grade all the way, baby. You got to pay for this guy to play.”
With that, Winslowe blew his nose into an old $100 bill, tossed it on the floor and called for his driver to pull the car around.
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