Letters to The Lint Screen

Dear Lint Screen:
I am miffed, disappointed and somewhat outraged at your consistent hostile attitude toward what you consider to be lower level primates, more to the point, chimps and monkeys.

It is obvious you are prejudiced against these superior creatures and harbor deep-rooted resentment and hostilities that are completely unfounded and, quite frankly, border on hysterical paranoia. You seem to think that simply because you have witnessed excrement flinging by monkeys in zoo cages that all members of their society are dangerous and should be feared, mocked and ridiculed. Preposterous!

If you were caged and had people paraded by you endlessly, I am quite certain you would also find some innocent amusement to occupy your time. If monkeys had rubber spherical objects, they could throw them to and fro, but alas they do not. I postulate that if 100 chimps had typewriters placed before them, they could write Hamlet or MacBeth. Or certainly an episode of American Dad.

Alas, they have neither spherical objects or keyboards and so must use items close at hand for idle amusement. It is a pity you find this harmless act so repulsive that your petty nature demands you throw stones at monkey for throwing other ‘things.’ Recall what one of your kind once said about throwing stones whilst living in glass houses as your race continually wars with one another demonstrating an inherent inhumanity toward fellow man, and rapes our planet of precious resources intended for all living creatures.

In short, it is little wonder that some day very soon you will find your Statue of Liberty buried on the beach and the planet ruled by apes. You have been duly warned. Good day, sir!
Regretfully,
Dr. C. Edmund Primateus

Dear Dr. Primateus:
What can I say– monkeys flinging poo makes me laugh.

Dear Lint Screen:
I have been dating the same man for over a decade. He’s rude, two-faced, has poor hygiene, is selfish, egotistical, inconsiderate, insanely jealous, petty, completely self-centered, without backbone or morals, shows no ambition or direction and treats his dog better than he treats me. After 12 years in this horrible relationship, I wonder just one thing– why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?
Sincerely,
Emma Zinderkim

Dear Ms. Zinderkim:
Men! Who can figure?!

Dear Lint Screen:
Did you see where I put my car keys? I can’t find them anywhere.
Sincerely,
Jason Wilcrest, Jr.

Dear Mr. Wilcrest:
You’ll find them in the left front pocket of your jeans in the dirty clothes hamper. Now leave your house immediately, there’s an electrical fire in the basement.