Citizens Angry Over Census

The angry protestors across America are being counted in their vocal protest of the U.S. Census that is underway nationwide.

“I don’t see no reason no government needs to know nothing about me and my family,” said a visibly agitated E. Granger Bycross of Alamo, Georgia. “Taint none of their business how many kittens I got in my litter. They come to my house to cipher, I’ll let ’em count two– double barrels of buckshot!”

Chester Wheelie of Keene, New Hampshire, is also one angry American. “We answer that census, next thing you know the federal government will be sending radio waves to infect our brains making us gover-zombies, begging to pay more taxes, have more socialist entitlement programs and requesting Fluoride in our drinking water. I ain’t falling for it! You can tell the government to keep their greedy hands off my Social Security and Medicare checks, what’s mine is mine. End of discussion.”

Helen Wilmunk of Ainsworth, South Dakota refuses to complete her census form because she thinks many of the questions are too difficult to answer.

“They want to know how many people we got living here. Well, there’s me and Darrel, and the kids, Stinky, Bubba and Weasel– but we also got six dogs and three cats who are like kin to us, and sometimes those dogs sleep outside. Now how we supposed to answer that trick question? It’s like those math books in school asking about two trains leaving Chicago going different speeds and we’re supposed to figure out when the dadgum trains will arrive in St. Louis. Well, I wouldn’t answer those trick questions either because don’t no one take trains these days. They’d just fly or drive!”

And Jerry Fuddmork of Bald Knob, Arkansas is refusing to answer his census on the basis of what is done with the information. “The government says they need to know all this personal information so they can plan for schools, libraries, roads and other social services. Well, I don’t cotton to such socialistic notions. I don’t want my tax money going to build some road for illegal aliens to drive on. And schools and libraries are just a complete waste of money, what with so much you can learn on the television. Why, if I wanted to be a doctor, all I got to do is watch ‘House’— that lanky guy with the limp is cagey as can be. Ain’t no school going to teach you how to be like House– he’s the rascal you want to learn from, not some stupid school!”