“Lost” Is Found

Six years. 120 episodes. Enough plots twists to make Aunt Annie (of pretzel fame) cry “uncle.” Tonight, the world will bait its breath and wait for answers to be revealed. Well, spoiler alert–– I’ll give you advance dish of what it all meant.

Jack Shephard is Christ. Don’t ask why, he just is.
Sayid represents the dark side of humanity, the one that succumbs to temptations like citrus-flavored vodkas, nudie pix and stinky cheeses.
Hurley personifies the inner child. The fat one.
Sawyer represents lust, and a dude who used to play bass in cover bands.
Jin and Sun represents the military industrial complex. And marching band booster clubs and their need to perpetually have bake sales in front of supermarkets.
Kate stands for all that is good and wholesome, but still might kick, punch, claw or shoot you.
John Locke is rational intellectualism in search of the ultimate truth that cannot be found for it hides exceedingly well on such a large island.
Jacob personifies either Cain or Abel. Or just some spooky mysterious guy, I dunno.
Claire represents our natural attraction to hair conditioners that give full body, manageability and a saucy bounce.
Ben is the personification of creepy guys we’ve all met. You know–– the weasely pricks we can’t stand being around, especially on long elevator rides.
Charlie represents the ecological struggle between industrialized nations and our fragile planet. He also represents dudes who play bass in bands that do original music, not covers.
Desmond is the unsightly stain on white shorts that cannot be removed despite repeated attempts with club soda, Shout, Tide, bleach, you name it. Cursed stains!
Juliet personifies our eternal dreams of owning a quality juicer and a set of knives that never need sharpening but still maintain their edges.
Richard represents natural hair color that never grays, and our natural proclivity to levitate like Doug Henning when no one is looking.
Daniel Faraday is our curious scientific self. The one that splits atoms in its spare time and builds jacob’s ladders because they’re all Frankensteiny and cool.
Charles Widmore personifies something pretty important. Uh, the wisdom of age? Yeah, the wisdom of age. Respect your elders, people!
Mr. Chang signifies our need to wear white lab coats and make industrial instructional films.
The polar bears are red herrings, representing not only red herrings but all species of fish.
The Hatch personifies our workaday world and how sometimes we wish death upon the person who drank the last cup of coffee but didn’t make a fresh pot. What a jackass!
Oceanic 815 is a metaphor for the Greyhound Bus that runs from Phoenix to L.A.
The Island represents Hawaii, the really secluded parts.

So, all the people on the island are actually dead but they were not goody two-shoes enough to get into heaven or evil enough to make the cut in hell, so they are being tested on the island which is like purgatory without the dress code or the theological debate about its existence and the black smoke is some sort of bad mojo fog spirit that can kill you, and if it does, you go to some kind of black smoke aftergig and… hey, do I have to connect all the dots?!

Just watch tonight’s finale of Lost and it’ll all make sense.

Or not.