The Lint Screen

LeBron to Pick Ursuline High School

Written by

PD Scullin

in

LeBron to lift spirits of new fans!
As the world waits on his big decision, The Lint Screen has learned basketball megastar LeBron James will announce his decision tonight to forego the offers from pro teams in favor of Ursuline High School in Youngstown, Ohio.

If true, this could shake the entire foundation of civilization as we know it, or certainly, the progression of athletes through school systems to professional franchises.

“LeBron knows he can play absolutely anywhere,” said the unnamed source close to him, “but his favorite time playing ball was with St. Vincent–St. Mary High School in Akron. He wants to go back to go forward again. And Ursuline High came through with a package that is going to be hard for anyone else to beat. I mean, it’s sugar-with-honey-and-artificial-sweetener good! Yamma yamma zowee!”

Officials at Ursuline did not return phone calls, so this rumor must be true. Tune in to ESPN tonight and let’s find out! Soon, Ursuline fans may be riding higher than LeBron.

Comments

5 responses to “LeBron to Pick Ursuline High School”

  1. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    It’s official. LeBron has cast his lot with the Miami Heat, a team that will also feature his buddies Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.

    After making LeBron made his announcement on ESPN, my sources tell me he told a small group of high school journalists from Ohio that his decision to leave Cleveland was heavily influenced by repeated viewings of the film “The Birdcage.”

  2. admin Avatar
    admin

    Yet again, it seems your sources have scooped mine. My sources suck– they assured me repeatedly this scoop about LeBron going to a Catholic high school in Youngstown was on the up-and-up.

    To quote the great newsman H.L. Mencken: “Jeesh, lerou!”

  3. kitty Avatar
    kitty

    Your source was good, Patrick. However, they failed to consider that LeBron might sell his soul to you-know-who and to reap meager, short-lived earthly gains over this brief life and thereafter be subjected to the fires of you-know-where when he reaps his eternal reward.
    Or so my up-and-up sources tell me.

  4. admin Avatar
    admin

    Thanks, Kitty. Frankly, I’ve been in the dumps ever since we got the story wrong. TLS prides itself as one of the leaders in journalistic integrity and accuracy. We’re like “The New York Times” without the attitude and Pulitzers.

    It sounds like you have some good sources for what happens in the afterlife. Thanks for sharing.

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